bismillah.
I thought I'd be so happy and/or busy taht I would find no time at all to write. at one point, I thought my passion of ranting to a blank space on the computer would die.
Again, I always question myself, what is the point of writing here? no one reads it. and somebody does, would they even care? or ponder about what I'm writing. If I am writing to change minds or SHAPE minds for that matter, why not make it public. Because its too personal. so I continue to rant here.
married life, is truly a different dimension altogether. I refuse to submit myself into those women who dress like they're 40s dengan tudung indon and unfashionable clothing. I intend to look my best for my husband, in and outdoors. I also intend to think and be young at heart. and thus, brings me to why I am writing today.
Being young at heart, I still have a mind of a highschooler. I care about what my colleagues think, I'm scared of saying the uncool things. Scared of asking. Scared of being left out.
you'd think, that I won't have any speaking or writing problems in English. Well folks, I do.
again and again, I can't think in English when I'm nervous. and sometimes, I try to say something cool but end up saying something stupid in the end. Why do I have to say something cool in the first place? Because I want to be part of the group, blend in, be in a lab family. Because that's what those science articles tell me what I should be. Because that's what my mother had when she did her PhD. Because I wanted to belong somewhere.
And now I have this miserable problem of making my science to work, but trying, struggling somehow. breaking my ego everytime I do something stupid or ask something stupid. I know it's a scientist list of phases-to-go-through. But, not feeling like I belong, and having an English/cultural problem is affecting me. I know this and I hate it that it affects me.
Sometimes, watching people who don't care, who are oblivious, who are comfortable in their own skin envies me to the core. I wish so much that I have more of that.
My husband says I shouldnt care. That I'm not in highschool anymore. He's right. Always is and will be.
But in the end, all in all, writing this out DOES relief me to some point.
Monday, 7 September 2015
Saturday, 4 April 2015
3 Death-y books
bersawang dah blog aku.
Amazingly, I have passed 6 months of holiday, my longest holiday yet. And if you ask me what I did over the past 6 months, I'd say to you son; I. have. no. idea. Upfront, I'm really ashamed I cant come up with a good excuse except getting engaged and preparing for PhD, but deep down, I'm enjoying every minute of the nothingness I've created. There is no such thing as time wasted, after-all, time wasted is equivalent to time spent.
I'm heading back to the UK in 20 more days. So, I'll be stocking up on ridiculously delish, fattening, not-good-for-you, local delicacies. And yes, the past 6 months was the most pressured months I've ever had my entire life. No kidding.
Why?
Well, mainly because I was somewhat told and expected to be pretty and flawless. Being pretty was never my concern until now, when I wanna get hitched to an insanely good-looking man. But whatever to that. What I really wanted to talk about was the 3 books I read to pass the time.
Boring.Boring. Shoo if you're not interested! But now, I understand a little bit of the minds of introverts. Books really take you into a different world and if you are what you eat, well, you are what you read.
I'd usually take on an interesting, funny, quirky book. My favorite would and always be the Gilmore Girls series; I love you, you idiot. Never fails to pick me up. Maybe I should re-read it..
But I spent my time on Mahathir's A doctor in the house, and it gave me a spending epiphany. Moved on to Letters to the Dead, If I Stay, and Looking for Alaska. And ALL of them had something to do with death innit! Don't wanna be a spoiler for y'all but every single one of these books had someone who died and it was amazingly depressing for me. And I have never been so depressed after reading a book. And my fiance's away. and Thank you very much books for making me VERY HAPPY when I needed it most. But anyway, in the end, death must come to everyone and somehow, it made me into a darker person but being able to look at death at a different perspective.
So, if I dont enlighten myself with a better book in the near future, I'd continue to be a deep philosophical dark death-y person. That's all. Any suggestions for a perky book is highly appreciated thanks! :)
Amazingly, I have passed 6 months of holiday, my longest holiday yet. And if you ask me what I did over the past 6 months, I'd say to you son; I. have. no. idea. Upfront, I'm really ashamed I cant come up with a good excuse except getting engaged and preparing for PhD, but deep down, I'm enjoying every minute of the nothingness I've created. There is no such thing as time wasted, after-all, time wasted is equivalent to time spent.
I'm heading back to the UK in 20 more days. So, I'll be stocking up on ridiculously delish, fattening, not-good-for-you, local delicacies. And yes, the past 6 months was the most pressured months I've ever had my entire life. No kidding.
Why?
Well, mainly because I was somewhat told and expected to be pretty and flawless. Being pretty was never my concern until now, when I wanna get hitched to an insanely good-looking man. But whatever to that. What I really wanted to talk about was the 3 books I read to pass the time.
Boring.Boring. Shoo if you're not interested! But now, I understand a little bit of the minds of introverts. Books really take you into a different world and if you are what you eat, well, you are what you read.
I'd usually take on an interesting, funny, quirky book. My favorite would and always be the Gilmore Girls series; I love you, you idiot. Never fails to pick me up. Maybe I should re-read it..
But I spent my time on Mahathir's A doctor in the house, and it gave me a spending epiphany. Moved on to Letters to the Dead, If I Stay, and Looking for Alaska. And ALL of them had something to do with death innit! Don't wanna be a spoiler for y'all but every single one of these books had someone who died and it was amazingly depressing for me. And I have never been so depressed after reading a book. And my fiance's away. and Thank you very much books for making me VERY HAPPY when I needed it most. But anyway, in the end, death must come to everyone and somehow, it made me into a darker person but being able to look at death at a different perspective.
So, if I dont enlighten myself with a better book in the near future, I'd continue to be a deep philosophical dark death-y person. That's all. Any suggestions for a perky book is highly appreciated thanks! :)
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Shift of Focus
Bismillah.
Alhamdulillah I'm someone's fiancee now!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be someone's wife, daughter in law and sister in law!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be part of my husband's family!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be fulfilling mine and my fiance's deen!
Alhamdulillah for both happiness and trials that will come, and please Dear Allah, give me and my future husband and our families the strength and patience to overcome this.
Alhamdulillah for having mercy upon me and my fiance, for blessing us with the love that has now and hopefully continue to bloom for each other, for generations to come, right to the hereafter.
Alhamdulillah for the countless blessings You have bestowed upon me and my family and my friends.
Alhamdulillah, for now, I have shifted my focus.
Before I got engaged to my fiance, I didn't really acknowledge the fact that maybe I am in love irrevocably, head over heels for him. But I had faith that Allah is those with good niat and those who put their faith in Him. And I took that leap of faith. We took that leap of faith. And what came after was a beautiful feeling that made me forget all my past, that felt as if all my mistakes were pardoned, was forgotten. It was as if, now, with this guy in my life, I have a new paper to start on, a new life to build, together with him. And that meant the whole world to me. For he a God-loving person as well and I am forever thankful for that. I can never ever take this for granted, for everything I ever asked for in my prayers, as of now, is exactly what I see in my future husband. Allah is Great.
Before I got engaged, I was single, lived a single life. I hated weddings and the fuss, I even said some crappy stuff about people who were too obsessed with their weddings. I dissed them, I couldn't understand what the big deal was. But now, being here, with my own wedding coming up within a couple of months, I understand. I understand why they don't care about everyone else, I understand why they have shifted their focus.
It's a bit hard to explain how being in love with someone makes you put everything else aside. I never really thought I could love someone and do that. Never thought that I actually would give in, calm myself down or be patient for someone. If I gave this post to my single person I would probably go Bah! What poppycock is this. some stupid fluff and stuff.
But I guess, when Allah has gave you that kind of love for someone, you don't really want to let it go to waste, you'd do anything to protect it, you put everything else aside. Priorities change, and in time, who knows insha Allah it will change again, probably for my child. It is certainly something only understandable when you're in that position.
But nevertheless, to love the gift, is to love the Giver more. Again, Alhamdulillah for the shift of focus :)
Alhamdulillah I'm someone's fiancee now!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be someone's wife, daughter in law and sister in law!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be part of my husband's family!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be fulfilling mine and my fiance's deen!
Alhamdulillah for both happiness and trials that will come, and please Dear Allah, give me and my future husband and our families the strength and patience to overcome this.
Alhamdulillah for having mercy upon me and my fiance, for blessing us with the love that has now and hopefully continue to bloom for each other, for generations to come, right to the hereafter.
Alhamdulillah for the countless blessings You have bestowed upon me and my family and my friends.
Alhamdulillah, for now, I have shifted my focus.
Before I got engaged to my fiance, I didn't really acknowledge the fact that maybe I am in love irrevocably, head over heels for him. But I had faith that Allah is those with good niat and those who put their faith in Him. And I took that leap of faith. We took that leap of faith. And what came after was a beautiful feeling that made me forget all my past, that felt as if all my mistakes were pardoned, was forgotten. It was as if, now, with this guy in my life, I have a new paper to start on, a new life to build, together with him. And that meant the whole world to me. For he a God-loving person as well and I am forever thankful for that. I can never ever take this for granted, for everything I ever asked for in my prayers, as of now, is exactly what I see in my future husband. Allah is Great.
Before I got engaged, I was single, lived a single life. I hated weddings and the fuss, I even said some crappy stuff about people who were too obsessed with their weddings. I dissed them, I couldn't understand what the big deal was. But now, being here, with my own wedding coming up within a couple of months, I understand. I understand why they don't care about everyone else, I understand why they have shifted their focus.
It's a bit hard to explain how being in love with someone makes you put everything else aside. I never really thought I could love someone and do that. Never thought that I actually would give in, calm myself down or be patient for someone. If I gave this post to my single person I would probably go Bah! What poppycock is this. some stupid fluff and stuff.
But I guess, when Allah has gave you that kind of love for someone, you don't really want to let it go to waste, you'd do anything to protect it, you put everything else aside. Priorities change, and in time, who knows insha Allah it will change again, probably for my child. It is certainly something only understandable when you're in that position.
But nevertheless, to love the gift, is to love the Giver more. Again, Alhamdulillah for the shift of focus :)
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