Boxing

Bismillah

Just a note to myself. Tonight, and for the days to come.

Jangankan nak bangun pukul 4 untuk Qiam, bercinta dengan Allah susah, nak bangun untuk Boxing day lebih senang.

Jangan nak ingat kat lelaki idaman, jodoh, lebih banyak dari ingat ajal.

Jangan duit lebih susah nak keluar untuk amal jariah, Syria, umat islam dari keluar untuk beli baju, barang branded yang kejar status manusia, kekal di dunia je.

Jangan kalau tak boleh tidur malam, habiskan masa scroll instagram, facebook lebih mudah dari baca bahan ilmiah, dari ingat kat Allah, dari membaca Al-Quran.

Duit, masa, perasaan dan hati semua pemberian Allah. Jangan kedekut nak spend semua tu untuk Allah, bila Allah yang memberi semua ni, dunia aku, kat aku.

Nabilah

Bismillah

Nabilah is a girl I met during MASUM training. She started basketball when she entered USM and entered MASUM in her first year. Pretty impressive for a first timer. She trains with the chinese, plays with them, and dia sometimes hang out with them although dia tau sometimes, dia tak se-power chinese. Ho lah. State/national players vs what.. 1 year of playing experience?

But the thing is, she's not afraid of stepping out her comfort zone of being friends with only malays and learning new things, learning basketball.

Satu benda aku observe basketball ni, kalau melayu, nak jadi jaguh kampung, and only jaguh kampung. I can't say thats the case for UITM men because they've earned bragging rights for being national champs for 2 consecutive years already. But I notice.. Kebanyakan melayu, lelaki or perempuan, bila main basketball nak main dengan melayu je.

Tak macam Nabilah. She knows she can learn more from
Chinese, so she plays with them.

Sometimes, I see like a group of players yang kononnya gah tapi aku tak pernah tengok depa main dengan chinese. Spreading the word, sharing basketball messages macam 'basketball is my life' lah ape la.. I mean, c'mon lah. When its your passion, you don't have to keep on telling the world it is. And then you stay at the same spot, not wanting to get out of your comfort zone, and stay jaguh kampung. Boleh la trash talk, cakap besar sesama orang melayu. Cuba test skill dengan orang bangsa lain? A different league?

Man its really a turn off how some people have the nerve to talk big when they're only half of what they really are. Itu tak masuk attitude dalam court bila nampak perempuan/lelaki observing them from outside!

Nabilah is a real girl, with real passion for basketball. And its sad why some malays see her based on the exterior. Maybe because she doesnt play with them, dont always post basketball stuff, they dont see her as a passionate player. She's really, one in a million.

Full Moon

Bismillah.

First time blogging via phone.

Strictly a feminist post, this time around, I wonder for the millionth time why some women have to habdle hormone imbalances during periods. And that moody emotional rage, the tears, the overthinking, the sugar craving, the bloody pain (literally). Yes, I know I'm complaining, I should stop. But the funny thing is, I know its the hormones, and Im using it to act irrationally. And I say like, oh its the hormones thats why Im like this and emotional and crazy and crying and whatever! To the point, I don't really know how to keep myself in check everytime this happens! Its almost like, I'll DEFINITELY lose it ONCE a month.

This month's emotional drama.

Whats the point of studying all this? Yes Im passionate about education, and the kids and changing the system and teaching what's REALLY important. I should just become a kindergarden teacher. Sometimes (OK many times) I wished life was simpler, and I could just write books for kids, and teach young people, jual goreng pisang. But yes, manusia tak pernah bersyukur.

Second rant, I totally HATE it when someone says I'm not family oriented or put it bluntly, I prioritize my friends over family. Especially when that person saying don't even know the half of me. First of all, I don't like to make a LIST of the sacrifices I make for family but If I did, then MAYBE people wouldnt take me for granted as much. For once, think. You werent there for me during my hard times, you criticize me, you compare my LOOKS, brains and TASTE (even in men for godsakes) with my SISTER, you always say IM NEVER good enough, and you expect me to suck it all up and be close to you? I tried. Because you're family. And there is a NEED to LOVE and respect you. But understand that when you DO all this, when I'm having my FULL MOON, its bloody hard. And Im still confused if this is just a hard situation or just my hormones.

Ive been wanting so say this out loud for so long, so badly. But never had the courage to do it. Because it would break some hearts. So yeah, I sucked it all up. And try to throw it away. Really, I did. But eventually, some of my resentment ended up leaking here and Im sorry for that.

O Allah. I trust that You know better. Maybe it IS hormones. Maybe it gives me flaws, or makes me cute? (Who the heck thinks an emotional monthly woman is cute?!) ugh.

O Allah. Help me.

Tribute

Bismillah

They orang nih, are the people who I miss, but don't have the heart to tell them. Bukan sebab marah ke ape.

Sebab segan.

 #Anty and Lyechee. Anty tu memang stick with me through thick and thin. Sanggup teman aku, harung training dalam kesibukan Msc dia, tahan karenah coach, ikot aku jogging bila dia penat, dengar keluh-kesah aku, my faithful senior and friend in need. Lychee, is one of the most thoughtful, and considerate person I've ever met. Dia baik. Memang baik. Bila orang lain see me as a weak link or I don't know.. Dia tak kisah bergaul dengan siapa pun. One of the best person I know.

Alhamdulillah for both of them.

 #MunMun. Legend. I know her for like what, 4,5 months? Dia, dia, pujuk aku.. when I almost quit. In many times that I  wanted  to quit. She reminded me why I love basketball. Taught me basketball. Yes she can be hard at times. Tapi, berkali-kali aku memang kena  berterima kasih kat dia. Alhamdulillah untuk dia. 

#Lyechee & Nabila. OK. Aku bagi kasut hijau aku kat budak Nabila ni. Dia kepoh, tapi Masha Allah semangat dia kental. I mean really kental. She's the only Malay who stayed through the team, started basketball at zero, and stayed through until MASUM. She was there for me in times of need. Dia kasar, tapi hati lembut. Dia macam adik dah masa MASUM tu. Alhamdulillah untuk dia.

I don't know when I'll see them, (if I'll ever see them again) But truly, they are one of the best people I know in basketball. Playing, training with them has been; amazing. 

Alhamdulillah for them.

Obsession

Bismillah.

To cover things up, I've been spending some time, about two weeks or so having free time and giving myself a new hobby.

Music.

Music has always always been part of my life. Who doesn't like music? OK maybe there are some who don't; there's a condition in the brain where some people are born musicophobic.Or are not musically inclined. Or just tone deaf. Or just. are. not. into. music.

I've been practicing piano since I was 7. And ever since, I learnt that not many Malay girls can play the piano. And it sort of became an identity for me. Enter high school, I didn't have much time to practice for my piano, failed my piano exam, started learning guitar. The basic strumming. Just enough so that I can sing Taylor Swift songs when I'm really down. But, I met basketball back then and I didn't focus much on music for some years to come.

And so.. for about 4 or 5 years, I alternated between piano and guitar. Not learning much but I just learnt some really favorite songs over the years. Like To Zanarkand and City. Ok. Really, that's just it. I was really into basketball back then. It became, an obsession for me.

And now, after Masum, and with winter, and Scotland.. has cut the ties for me with balling. I've accepted the fact. I had my run and it was a good one. It was then I realized, I missed my piano that much. So, bought a keyboard, just to cure some of the 'missing syndrome' (shared the money with a friend), and here we are; a keyboard in my flat.

Truthfully, it was a hard decision for me to make. To buy or not. This keyboard. But I'm glad I did. Like I said; rindu. 

Living in Glasgow, I met some other people who were, as desperate as I am. Finding new obsessions, and hobbies. (And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not sebab yes kadang2 tersyok sangat jamming, jadi lalai) But it sure has become the new thing for me. Or just coming back. Then, I found a mash-up software pulak. I know definitely I could be reading so many other books now but I've been spending my time rediscovering my piano, music, playing all the songs I wanted to, been keeping and saving since undergraduate times.

I'm still far from youtube celebrities. Haha. Sometimes they're so good they even make me feel like I wanna stop trying. But music has always been just for me. I just haven't found anybody who has the same appreciation for the kind of music I like. Yet.  

Kedah dan Isi Jantung

Bismillah

Done with 'Cun' 2011. I always wanted to watch the movie. Yes I know it sounds cheesy. The movie was darn right cheesy but it somehow portrayed what I wanted, or haha.. lets face it.. I use to like, maybe still do.. men like that. My dad was like that.

I used to dream I could live somewhere kat Kedah. Have a simple life, ajar kanak-kanak kat sekolah, balik mengaji, masak, malam solat berjemaah. Betul-betul bertemankan Gunung Jerai. Pui angan-angan.. haha.

I used to.. be.. lost.

As I'm writing this, I'm reminiscing my old memories with someone who used to be close to me, mean more to me than my principles and feelings and I gave up so much, ego and whatnot.. Ni semua kesan cerita Cun tu lah. He's exactly or somewhat macam Atan dalam Cun tuh. And what I wanted to write was about how I liked or missed a realtionship, or a guy like that. But coming to.. 'I used to be..' made me realize that I'm way, so so much better with what I am now.

People say it's hard to break the chain of relationships but here I am and I did it. I never acknowledge myself for doing it, never wrote about it. Never thought about it much. But wow.. Here I am, thinking.. and writing about it. And this heart feels heavy.

Yes, there will always be that lingering feeling of  'I wish this would happen.. that would happen..' But manusia memang tak pernah bersyukur kan? And yes its the weddings and facebook and the group, and my highschool friends are getting hitched and I'm happy about it.. Truly, I am. And I've come to the realization, that, hati aku dah terikat. It's a bit early to say what I'm saying now. But by God, Wallahi; perasaan ini lah yang menyelamatkan, menjauhkan aku dari buat perkara-perkara yang melalaikan. Most of the times. Sebab hati aku, tertaut pada seseorang yang baik, way out of my league, and it is in this feeling, I realize what ikhlas means again.

It's early. Too early. And I don't even know him. Kedah bukan dengan dia. I don't know what is. But as Najah told me, if he can motivate me to become a better person, let it be. I rather stay like this. Than lose the motivation. I rather be unknown, than risking of losing what I believe to be could be true. It's funny. Really it is.  I really should stop writing about this mushy stuff Haha. But.. wow.. kuasa Allah. Subhanallah.

Thank you for the strength to break the chains. For changing me. I'm not there yet. I'm FAR  from where I should or want to be. But help me, get there.

12.12.13

Bismillah.

#fynnjamal as background music

Again, I was let down by people. I hate it when I try to impress other people. I'm done with high school and trying to fit in. So I shut down all notifications and started reading my journals.

Then I realized I'ms till upset and being the depressed-so-I-eat kind of girl I am, cooked myself a bowl of Meggi that I saved up for emergency situations (this is definitely not one of the occasions where I'm qualified to eat Meggi). So I'm impulsive, and fickle. And at times slow. So what? I hate it when I'm slow.

Najah said something about loving someone for the sake of Allah; makes your love lasts forever. Yasmin Mogahed said by loving someone for the sake of Allah your relationship becomes better. Not neglecting them or judging them by thinking you're better than them. And finally, when you leave someone for the sake of Allah, Allah gives you someone better.

Okay Yana. WHY all this love crap? This is totally personal. I've been listening to Joe Brooks, Fynn Jamal, and I miss my dad and I just wished I had someone who could totally listen to me, understand me and not judge me when I'm slow. And all this while I'm thinking of a person who barely knows me. And it feels freakingly stupid. And I did tell Najah, that we, humans, have the nerve to think that we are better than Allah by wanting a particular person to keep or (start for that matter)... on loving or want us.

God, Allah I feel so lonely. It's been awhile since I ranted here. And I guess it's been the loneliest moment since I've been here. I know, know for sure that I should turn to Allah. I know for Sure that I have a dirty heart because I forget Him so often. I know for SURE double-whammy sure that I'm super weak because even now, at the point of writing, I'm subconsciously wanting attention. From humans.

Padahal kalau ingat kat Allah dah komfem Allah ingat kat kita.

I know tak perlu tulis sini untuk mintak kepada Allah. Sejadah ada terbentang depan mata. Aku tahu, Tuhan deprives, to give. I keep on asking for that person. Maybe Allah wants me to keep on asking. And begging. So that I am closer to Him. Masha Allah. jiwa jiwa..

Leeds and Yasmin Mogahed: Part 2

Bismillah.

I really wanted to share about the Yasmin Mogahed's talk but I'm afraid that I might have done some injustice since I'm the third person telling a story. But I wrote some notes down.. Oh well. Niat sekadar berkongsi ilmu. But whatever it is, I am positive that what she said, went straight to the heart, (I don't think my writing will touch any hearts but I wished I could). And if I do get the chance to see and hear her talk again, I would. Cuz she's that good.

How to cross the Oceans of Dunya?

1. One of the things I remembered was her metaphor that she used. Remember Titanic? The 'Unsinkable Ship'? It sunk anyway. And because it broke, and the sea filled in the ship. Something as simple as ocean water can sink such a grand ship. Right here, the ocean is dunya and we are the ship and we are just crossing the ocean to get to.. well.. hopefully Jannah. So.. the only way to cross this world, is to not fill our hearts dengan hal-hal duniawi.

2. Shaytan, will always whisper in our hearts. Things that are obvious and things which aren't. Most of the times, we don't even realize that we've been 'talked' into doing or thinking the things that we think of. Like, when I see a good man and I like him and then all of a sudden a voice at the back of my head goes like 'Oh kau tak cukup baik untuk dia. I mean, look at you and your stupid past who's EVER gonna want you' ok. sikit exaggerate but you get the point. Shaytan will want us to lose hope. Like,'aku tak cukup baik untuk pakai tudung or pergi ceramah. So why bother trying?' There are.. many times that these thoughts come to my mind. We just have to realize that these comes from shaytan.

3. Then she asked us. Simple questions. That require us to be brutally honest and personal.

• What do you think about most of the time?
• What makes you cry?
• What makes you most angry?
• What are you most afraid of?
• What are you afraid of losing?
• What do you think about in your salah?
• What is your first thought in the morning? Your last thoughts before you sleep?
• What is your greatest source of pain in life?

These are.. our Attachments. Most of us won't have a perfect list of remembering religion or Jannah or Allah for that matter. But answering these questions, made me realize, made me let go of the things that I've been constantly thinking of the past few days..

#some part of the class

4. Our hearts are our lenses to the world. If you have a good heart, you will see the world as a good place. At first I thought of this macam naive.. but then, she said, the fiqh; understanding of the mind, comes from the heart. For example, we see things that are.. bad as good. Macam, beer. Or getting drunk. Maybe we see it as something cool. I don't know.. sometimes I like to joke around. But in a long term.. wallahualam. Kalau tak jaga hati, nauzubillah, mungkin I'll be seeing those things as something good? Mintak simpang la..

5. A lot of times, we try to ask for the ability to love Allah. You know how it is when you fall in love with a person, you can't stop thinking about them. Always hoping that they're thinking about you. Always wanting to get their approval. Always missing them. And you know that we're supposed to feel that way about Allah. Terlalu mencintai Allah. But sometimes, truthfully, it is hard. It is for me sebab aku pelupa dan aku lemah sangat. Well, one of the reasons which I learnt was because, hati tak bersih. Cinta Allah only enters a clean heart. So always do zikr. And mintak la kat Tuhan, berkali-kali and never ever give up, untuk hati yang bersih. 

6. Zuhud. Detachment. I remember. The year, 2011. One of the worst years of my life, and I never sunk so low. And Yasmin asked us, "Do you remember when was your closest moment with Allah?" She smiled. Because I think she knows that most of us had the same answer. It was the times when we had to let go of something, and for me, it was the time that I begged and prayed so hard so that I find the strength to be strong and let go. It was.. as people say, difficulty is a blessing in disguise 

7. Marriage is a mean of getting closer to Allah. It's not a freaking goal. Yes I'm 24 and single and I'm getting worried and everything. But she reminded me, to stay focus. For our only goal is untuk mencari keredhaan Allah. To be close to Him. And to worship Him. Marriage is only one of the ways.. Like wise for mothers and wives. We're not incomplete if we're not married. Or become a mother. What happens then if we get divorced? Or we can't have kids? Doesn't erase our purpose on earth. Society yang bagi stigma to women that we're supposed to get married and have kids and raise children that are future doctors or engineers. When really.. kalau dengan perkahwinan itu menjauhkan kita dari Allah, would we still want it?

8. Some last notes.. Before the session ends, she taught us to do a few things after we leave. Since, ilmu di dada is only as good as how much we use them in our lives. Dia tak suruh bangun buat Qiam tiap malam pun. Benda-benda simple jek. Macam;

• Making a commitment to our prayers. Solat 5 waktu. It IS after all, why we were created anyway. Yes iman itu naik dan turun.. But, try and make effort to never miss salah. 
• Perfecting our salah. Khusyuk bila menghadap Allah.
• Not praying in a hurry.
• To try praying on time.
• Doing small but consistent deeds. Macam zikr ke, solat sunat ke. Takyah ubah drastik sangat.
• Always istighfar sebab istighfar tu membersihkan hati.
• And doing salah for salah protects us from bad deeds.

I worry, that some people might think of me as being poyo. Or bajet. Or blablabla. But that's another thing she taught me. We worry too much about what other people think. When we should be more concerned with what Allah thinks about us. 

Seyes ah. Talk Yasmin Mogahed best. May Allah bless her. And may this writing benefit those who reads it. :)

Leeds and Yasmin Mogahed: Part 1

Bismillah. #thisgonnabealongone

On the 13th of October, I saw an advertisement on Facebook saying that Yasmin Mogahed will do a 1 day seminar in Leeds on the 8th of December. During that time, I didn't know anyone (or rather forgot) who could lend me a place to crash for the night, but I just bought the ticket and thought to myself, "ikotlah nanti pandai2 lah tidur mana2" Syukur, korek punya korek, jumpa Sueaida my highschool friend, who studies there. And I'm off to my journey to Leeds.

My train was scheduled 6.30 am. Aku memang mengagahkan diri bangun awal, harung sejuk bagai, keseorangan, sepanjang masa, yakin Allah akan jaga aku. (Berbekalkan cerita Faizah tentang kebergantungan kepada Allah) I didn't sleep throughout the journey since I have to change trains. And since my train was scheduled in the morning, I get to indulge in the glorious sunshine scenery of... wait for it.. Yorkshire National Park!  Okay la tak ada la gempak mana pun tapi, if you have been spending your lifetime with English books dreaming of the countryside/LOTR-Shire-surroundings this is the scenery you don't want to miss. Train yang aku naik cabuk, penuh dan there was close to 25 stops along the park, it was exhausting but the scenery kept me through.

#Yorkshire's National Park

Leeds, was for me.. exciting. And for the wrong reasons. At first.

The city was bustling with people doing Christmas shopping, music, it has this amazing market, (I swear I'm still angry at myself for not taking pictures of this market) Leeds, is hilly, noisy and by the end of the day, I kinda memorized the roads already so, it wasn't that big. But the Christmas markets were awesome. Its like, the city is yeah.. okay.. until you visit the Christmas market. It was full! Full-er! Noisier!  And I am a sucker for lights so, the shops had these pretty decorations and there was the funfair and bustling and everything. Bought us some banana covered chocolate just to have some market feel. The market sold just about every Christmas related stuff you can think of... you name it. The Nutcracker. Lights. Ice-globes. Beers. Lots of Beers. Chocolates.  Desserts. Christmas clothing. Toys. It was a great atmosphere.

#Streets of Leeds

 #Wondrous Chocolates of all shapes and sizes

#Christmas lights :)

My second favorite place would have to be.. the University. Its huge, very academic-ish, majestic and you feel the uni vibe when you're in it. Ok so maybe I haven't been to Edinburgh or Oxford or Harvard yet but so far, Leeds was nice. It was then until Baitul told me the ISOC for Leeds was an active group, always having something going on, talks and everything. I'd say. It's a nice place to study. Less distractions. Small city. Aaall iz well.

Sueaida bawak aku jalan-jalan and rupanya malam tu, ada jamuan makan-makan. Ye aku tahu ini semua rezeki. Masha Allah. Because last night I just had Nasi Lemak for dinner, and that night in Leeds, I had baked cheese macaroni, in white and tomato sauce (Yes, Sue masak) and Baitul masak nasi goreng kerang. Mewah-mewah. 

Sue's group of friends were awesome. There's Jannah who baked her instant-raisin-brownie and super funny. We have Alia the Roti Girl, rajin masak, a wife and she also joined the Yasmin Mogahed event, Nelly, Mas, Suraya, Sya and Ada. See? I remembered everyone. They treated me ever so nicely, getting excited over the fact that I'm from Glasgow. In fact, I had such a good time talking and laughing and eating I didn't feel tired until they went back home. These people were awesome, even for that 2/3 hours of short meeting.

Going to sleep, Sue's room reminded me so much of my old room. It had this window still and had books on it. Back when I was little, my windows were grilled but I had a cactus and a night light beside the window. At night, I would write in my diary or read books and look at the stars before I sleep. Feeling gtu. Well, Sue's window, or that segment of her room was a bit like that. And, I dozed of before I could think any further.

USM. Final years

Bismillah.

Ini mimpi. Also known as memory.

Bukak mata. Langsir merah. Lynn/ 'suami' aku tengah buat shake. Bunyi deruman ais campoq Herbalife mengejutkan aku. Laptop dia ada tengah pasang lagu Hafiz Hamidun. Laa ila ha illallah.

"Yana! sorry aku kejutkan kau! aku dah lambat ni clinic aku pukul 8.30! ahh kena cepat-cepat"

Aku dalam keadaan separuh sedar, tengok je 'suami' aku bersiap. Gosok gigi, cuci muka, bukak facebook. Tengok post-post Yew Seng dengan foto-foto mornings dia. 

Amek kotak milo, bukak logbook, start menulis semula dari pdf sumbangan kelas. Bau masakan cafe murni membangkitkan nafsu lapar. 

Keluar bilik, masuk bilik Farah & Hajar.

Farah dah bangun. Tengah study. Semalam beliau tidur awal. Sebab Farah ni pantang kenyang. Tapi okay la dia bangun awal balik untuk study.

Phone bunyi. Lugey memekik dihujung talian. 

"Woi hobit! bangunla! Nasi lemak kopi o jom!"

Aku call Samah.

"Mah, jom teman aku makan dgn luq. Dia nak belanja"

Bertiga makan nasi lemak. Bertemankan Stomach Light. Luq dengan bisnes dia. Ina. Samah dengan study group dia. Gedik dia. Aku membebel entah apa-apa. Selalunye gelagat basketball. Masalah unit sukan. Masalah negara. 

Tengah hari. Masuk bilik farah & hajar. 

"Nasi kampung jom!"

Jalan ke Nasi Kampung aku ingat dengan jelas. Jalan yang sempit, kena lalu pintu gerbang UMNO dalam bumi Kelantan, lalu kubur, belah kiri ada Kuda yang diikat pada pohon bambu.pokok cempedak yang sentiasa meriah dengan buah, budak-budak hero yang main basikal tak ingat dunia. Pakcik-pakcik melepak. Rumah kampung. Ayam tak payah cerita la. Makcik tu, aku menyesal tak pernah tahu nama dia. Tapi dia kenal aku.  

"lamo xnampok nih. sibuk ko?"

*Aku malas nak malukan kecek aku yang tak seberapa ni* Nasi 4 bungkus. Ezat, Farah, Hajar dan aku. 12 riya. Kadang-kadang Hajar cuba kecek. Slalunye kena gelak dengan aku dan Farah. Tapi aku lebih kurang je. Tapi benda tu, buat aku senyum sampai sekarang.

Running Man + Nasi Kampung. Our laughter fills the whole corridor, making us full., physically and emotionally. Hidup macam tak lengkap kalau seminggu miss Running Man kat bilik Farah & Hajar.

Zohor. Kerja. Asar.

Petang yang cerah, cantik. 'Suami' pulang, penat dan penuh dengan celoteh medic, yang aku rindu sangat nak dengar sekarang ni. Bilik pulak panas sebab menghadap matahari. Asap hasil masakan nasi kampung, tomyam, mihun dsb, masuk bilik. Sarung knee guard, stokin, kasut Nike yang koyak-koyak, sumbat mp3, dan Lari.

Jumpa anty kat court lama. Dia pun sedang berlari. Siapa sangka, satu hari nanti aku main dengan anty untuk USM? Satu-satunya senior aku yang genius dan balling at the same time.

Samah datang. Moto-moto yang aku kenal satu-satu park luar court. Moto putih moto cikgu, moto merah moto pokmi. Kereta biru kereta AK. Meriah. Kalau ada Satria Neo hitam, mengharap la Fieq ada. Sebab penghuni dia penambat hati fieq. 

3 on 3. 4 on 4. Fieq datang. Maknanya memang aku dengan Anty kena step up game masing-masing. Tapi, bagi aku, kalau team dengan Fieq best sebab dia highway aku. Assist, underboard. Screen. Aku suka buat dengan dia. Tapi kalau lawan dia, boleh buat down. Tapi tu semua buat aku senyum sampai sekarang. Peluh balling.. lain dengan peluh jogging. Rasa puas. Rasa hidup.

Maghrib. Mandi. Siap.

Soalan paling susah dalam dunia.

"Makan mane malam ni?"

Diam semua. Last-last makan 2 musim. JUGAK. Masa tu budak-budak ni tahu la kenapa. Masing-masing (Aku dengan Fieq je) yang ada target nak jumpa siapa kat 2 musim tu. Tapi makanan dia sedap, murah, cepat. sebelah masjid istana, boleh nampak jemaah isyak yang ramai, setiap hari. Tua, muda, lelaki dan perempuan. Fieq, Samah, Anty, Hajar. Teman setia aku, macam TV1. Ke TV2 aku tak ingat.

And, the best way to end the night, ice cream mcd wakaf che yeh. Which we allow ourselves to indulge every now and then, bila ada hati yang tisu, terluka, or kerja berlambak or sedih dan blablabla. Soundtrack, lagu melayu sedih-sedih kapak-kapak gitu. Masing-masing nyanyi taknak kalah. Masa ni, masa ni.. akan sentiasa buat aku senyum. Ice cream session selalunya ada mix. Farah. Hajar. Fieq. Samah. Anty. Ice cream McD tu seringgit. Tapi value dia sekarang, priceless.

Balik USM. Buat kerja. Isyak. Dan tidur. Esok, ulang hari yang sama. Harapan yang sama, dengan orang yang sama. Mungkin, masa ni aku dah terbayang hidup di negara lain. Tapi adat manusia kurang bersyukur atau always want things they dont have. But for this part of my life, I will always be thankful for.

Abuse

Bismillah.

a woman cannot tell if she is abused.

physically

or 

mentally.

a woman, when consumed by her love, will continue to love.

is blinded and lost all thoughts that is rightfully hers.

has lost her identity, her love for herself, and her dignity.

a woman who is abused, will be traumatized.

and  this trauma, will continue to harm her,

Wallahualam, till the end of days.

a woman who is abused , will ALWAYS blame herself.

for her past

and this abuse, she may choose to get over it.

but it remains as a black spot in her memories.

don't ask her about this black spot.

don't make her remember.

don't remind her.

don't even take her close to the things that can remind her.

a woman, abused, will always have a broken part in her heart.

Allah is The Best of  Mending hearts.

Syafakillah.

If He restores life, why can't He restore a broken piece of Heart?

wallahualam, wallahualam.

O' this damn memory.

Syafakillah O' abused women.

blast from the past

assalam..

i know you know asma-ul-husna. they are the names of Allah. almost everyone knows them. but very few really understand what every meaning stands for and believe in it. i dont remember what's the meaning of each name up till now. but im trying to.

al witr-the one

al-wahid-the one, the creator of diversity from unity

al-ahad-the one and only, the unique

al-samad-the eternally be sought

as-sayyid-the master

al-hayy-the ever living

al-waarith-the ultimate inheritor, the supreme heir

al-qayyum-the sustainer of all existence, the sub-subsisting, the self existing

al-ghaniy-the free of need

al-hamid-the praiseworthy

al-malik-the soverighn, the king

al-malik- the omnipotent king, the absolute soverign

al-mawla-the master

al-ali-the most high

al-a'la-the most high, the exalted

al-muta'al-the exalted,the most exalted

al-awwal-the first

al-akhir-the last

az-zahir-the ascendent, the manifest

al-batin-the intimate, the inner, the inward (yang tersembunyi)

al-wasi-the all embracing,the all-emcompassing

as-subbuh-the glorified one

al-muqaddim-the expediter

al-mua'khir-the delayer

(names that glorifies Allah)

 al-azim-the most great, magnificent, the exalted

al-aziz-the mighty

an-nassir-the helper, the one who provides victory

al-jabbar-the super comforter, the restorer, the irresistible--> this is one of my favorite names. He restores whoever who needs Him, asks from Him, believes in Him. dalam waktu susah, doalah, menangis lah, and ask from Him to restore you, to mend your heart wounds, to resolve your problems, for He is the ultimate comforter. No one can give you comfort better than Him and He gives comfort in many forms. ask from Him and insyAllah He will help you. there is a saying-mend someone's heart today, Allah shall mend yours on the day of judgement.

al-mutakabbir-the supremely great

al-kabbir-the most great

al-majeed- the most glorious

al-qawiy-the supremely strong

al-mateen-the possessor of trength, the firm

al-Qahhar-the subdoer, the superb vanquisher,the ever dominating

al-qaaher-the ever dominating, the conquerer

al-hakam-the uspreme judge, the arbirator

al-haqq-the truth, the just and correct

al-haseeb-the reckoner

al-waliyy-the protecting friend, the nearby guardian--> one of my fav's too. Allah is a friend in a way.. of how he shaped our lives.  Allah is the ultimate friend and protector. everything He does is best for us. cuma kita yg sangka buruk kat Dia. somethimes i forget that too. many times. zikr la nama ni. and trust Him..

al-wakeel-the ultimate trustee-->tawakkal. 

al-muqtader-the all-determining, the all-powerful

al-qader-the most able

al-qaader-the all capable

al-aleem-the all knowing

al-a'alem-the knower--> Allah knows. everything. without us telling Him. 

al-hakim-the al wise

al-khabeer-the all aware

ar-raqeeb-the all-watchful--> kalaulah manusia hidup dgn nama ni..

as-shaheed-the omniscient witness, the testifier

al-muhaymin-the safeguarder, the ever-watching

as-sami-the all hearing

al-baseer-the all-seeing

al-muheet-the all encompassing

al-hafeedh-the protector, the guardian

al-haafedh-the preserver

(names that manifest Allah's absolute beauty)

 al-jameel-the beautiful, the graceful

al-quddus-the most holy, the all perfect

as-salam-the source of peace, the flawless

at-tayyeb-the good

(names that trigger the love of Allah in the heart)

 al-jawwad-the bestower of good

al-muhsin-the supreme doer of good

al-mannan-the bestower

ar-rauf-the most kind, the gentle

al-barr-the all good

al-hafiy- the most welcoming, the most affectionate

al-wahhab-the supreme bestower--> the unexpected. like when we least expect it, He gives us gifts, suprises in life. 

ar-rahman-the most beneficientar-raheem-the most merciful-->bismillah, has these names with them. i guess that's why it does. cm, we ask for Allah's blessing, mercy in whatever we do. so that He guides us when doing it.

al-kareem-the generous, the all-laudable

al-akram-the ever most generous

al-qabid-the withholder, the restrainer, the constrictor--> He prevents any bad events. like in doa cm. selamatkan org2 dr kena tsunami ke.. He witholds the tsunami. prevents it. stops it.

al-basit-the expander,extender,the releaser

al-mu'ti-the superb giver

al-mubin-the manifest, the clear

as-shaafi-the ultimate healer--> bila sakit, hati ke physically or emotionally, remember that Allah heals EVERYTHING.

al-hayiy-the ultimate modest

al-mu'min-the giver of security, the remover of fear

as-shakur-the appreciative

as-shakir-the recognizer, and rewarder of good

al-latif-the most subtle, yang halus

ar-rafiq-the most gentle

al-halim-the most forbearing, the most serene

al-wadud-the most affectionate, the most loving-->remember that Allah loves you. more than your mother loves you. more than anything on this entire universe. never doubt that. sebab Dia yang create all the love, all the care you have on earth.gives you the ability to love and care for everyone else on earth...  He shall never malukan u, hinakan or leave you the moment he created you. as long as you remmeber Him, trust Him and believe in Him.

at-tawwab-the acceptor of repentance, the oft forgiving

al-ghaffar-the all forgiving

al-ghafur-the foriving, the pardoner

al-a'fu- the erasor of sins, the pardoner. --> Allah tau effort kita. and Allah Maha pengampun. who is better than forgiving than He? trust, and believe in this name of Allah. live it. 

al-muqeet-the ultimate nourisher, the superb sustainer

ar-razzaq-the ultimate provider --> rezeki

al-fattah-the ganter of success, the superb arbiter, the opener

al-qareeb-the near, the close

al-mujeeb-the answers of prayers, the supreme answerer--> like the joker card. Allah answers the calles of all those who are needy.

Yasmin Mogahed snippets

Najah 1

Bismillah.

Its kinda biased and funny that I put a 'Najah 1' for the title but it's only befitting because she gives first-class advice and aku suka quote dia. Im now in her room, she's praying Maghrib and a wave of realization hits me; I might not have this chance of having a sleepover this long and this girly ever again.

What I wanted to write about, (before I forget) was about our conversation last night. I was on her bed, with my 'A Darkening of the Heart' Scottish book, and she was doing preps on her mock up exams tomorrow. And I asked her,

"Najah, did anybody ever tell you out of the blue, that you're beautiful?"

"Apebende soalan kau tanya ni?"

"It's just a question". Cheeky smile.

Najah, began to do this super gedik spins on her chair, put up a wistful smile and told me,

"there's this one time, in a hospital, I introduced myself to a patient, the patient tu look at her best friend (anak or something aku lupa) and she told me you're pretty. And aku dumbfounded but it made me so happy"

And she told me some other important things as well. Some of the things I remembered was.. *I'm sorry if this seems like injustice to your original words but I'll try remembering it properly, to the last detail*

"Beauty tu.. when you think of it, it is kind of unfair that some people lahir dah cantik, some people lahir rupa lain-lain. But bila aku fikir balik, I'm thankful that I'm not THAT pretty sebab, nanti aku tak tahu sejauh mana orang ikhlas dengan aku.

Orang layan aku baik sebab rupa ke sebab personality aku.

Cantik rupa orang boleh pertikaikan. Tapi Yana, cantk hati, tak ada orang boleh pertikaikan. It's something you have to build, put up a constant fight with. Bukan senang nak cantikkan hati. Sebab tu aku post yang 'Be so beautiful that hearts can't take their eyes of you'.

Aku rasa especially orang melayu, dengan sopan dia, senang nak amek hati orang lain. Senang je nak buat orang suka kat kau. Kau polite je. Nanti orang lain pun polite kat kau.

Tapi Yana, sometimes, in life, kau buat baik kat orang, tak semestinya orang buat baik kat kau. So then, whatever will you do? Mesti bengang kan. So, kau setkan hati kau, buat baik sebab Allah. Then in a way, kau buat baik kat orang bukan sebab orang tu. Sebab Allah. Kalau orang tu layan kau tak bagus pun takpe sebab, kau tau niat asal kau sebab Allah.

But it is not easy and whenever kau rasa nak buat baik, kau takut riak ke ape, just put that thought away and just do it. Lama-lama insya Allah Allah padamkan rasa riak tu. "

Okay kalau Najah baca ni memang dah bias dah conversation ni because bab riak tu was something we talked about earlier on the train. Sorry Jah haha.

Najah smiled, her half closed sleepy eyes.

"Allah tu fair. Dia tak pandang pun rupa yang cantik. Dia pandang hati yang cantik. That comforts me so much. Aku tak payah risau2 rupa aku sebab Allah tak pandang pun."

We went quiet for awhile. Both of us in our private thoughts. Me and my realizations,the things she thought me, and Najah, smiling, looking up, *reminiscing maybe* and faced her laptop and continued her work. Just like that. I picked up my book, and continued my reading and smiled.

So this is just ONE advice from her. There might be more to come. She's my Malaysian Yasmin Mogahed so bear with me.

weekend; Sunday

Bismillah.

Okay blog ni dah jadi macam mini diary but I know I don't have many readers hence, the personal-drama-daily writes. 

Alhamdulillah, I woke up, sober and steady on a Sunday morning around 10.30 am. Just the right time for a sleep-in-Sunday experience. Last night was a wreck with one of the most annoying situations I've ever been in and it took all my Saturday happiness.

A recap of my weekend, Friday night was a long night. Fyruz finished her project. Got good reviews by her lecturers despite her teammates being amazingly selfish. We stopped by Shamim's, picked him up and Zaim for coffee. Sedap jugak la session mengopi malam tu. Dapat la dalam 2 jam jugak. As the saying goes..

'There's nothing more erotic than a good conversation'

So, lepas tu we went to hard rock cafe, Glasgow. Problem jugak awal-awal tu nak masuk. Kena juga tnggu lencai kita, Ihsan Alias datang and negotiate with the guard outside the cafe. Haha. He has this thing with words and making his way around people. We used to make jokes around him, saying things like, "siape tak kenal Ihsan??" "dose tak kenal Ihsan. Hahaha" THAT'S how important he is in the Glasgow community whatever. He's just been here for 3-4 months but almost everyone knows him. And he's a great guy. Logical, and sensible. 

Hard rock  was.. funny. So we ordered this fusion of fruit juices that was super duper fused and honestly I don't know what else they put into the juice but I'm pretty sure we didn't have beer or wine or alcohol in it but we went out of the cafe and almost everyone had stomach aches. But anyway, the music was GREAT despite only playing vids from olden days but it was mostly Nirvana, Aerosmith, The Foo fighters, Guns n Roses, you get the idea. 

So we went back, had some jam session, covered Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton, sent the video to my brother, (said it was good) and slept at 5 am. 

The next morning, went to Polmadie, got a keyboard stand for 5 pounds, saw Guitar Hero set for 15 pounds, had FREE nasi lemak kat rumah abang achap. His wife was a good cook. We literally had 3 plates of nasi lemak  and the coffee was like, kopi Malaysia yang pakai susu pekat tu. I think I had about 3,4 cups. 

Went back, another jam session until we wore ourselves out, had this unbelievable glitch with flights and separated. My night was practically ruined by this stupid flight thingy, and I slept.

What I originally wanted to write was about my feelings this morning. I woke up, on a foggy Sunday morning, realized I can play the piano for all I care, figure out songs, compose, read my books and go explore places and stuff. So I just lied in my bed, listen to music and it was the best Sunday morning experience so far.

Watched My best friend's wedding  for the upteenth time, had a huge bowl of cereal and now, I'm writing. And suddenly when I'm about to finish, I just don't feel like getting up and this lazy atmosphere is overwhelming, it's Zohor already and I have to pray. Haha. Alhamdulillah for this lazy sober afternoon. I think I'm gonna be sleepy all day :)

independance

Bismillah

I'm cursing and trying my hardest to istighfar at the same time. That's just me. And while I'm simultaneously finding tickets from Milan back to UK, I know somehow im in deep shit. Sebab semua flight full. And I'm stuck with this group of people who expects me to do ALL the work, find tickets hotels blablabla, plan the trip for them. And I'm like, what the heck? But I have this dream of travelling the world, seeing places I haven't been to before I get married to some guy or get confined to work and some whatever or future.

*future might be great and happy but I just want to see the world while I can*

SO.

Aku tengah mencanak cari flight ni. And this person *yang segroup dengan aku nak travel ni* came up to me and asked. Everything okay so far? ade problem tak? And I'm like replying in a I'm-too'busy-too-reply manner but I replied anyway I said no flights and semua tu and she said like somekind of..

*oh bummer. ramai orang naik flight*

HELLO? YOU'RE NOT HELPING

this stupid princess whom I have to handle. I really don't get it. Okay ini soal rezeki that they get to study abroad but SOME. PEOPLE. ARE. JUST. TOO. DEPENDENT. AND. ILLOGICAL.

you have to be independent to some degree. Please. THIS IS NOT MALAYSIA. THIS IS NOT SOME PLACE WHERE YOU HAVE YOUR PARENTS WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU. okaay fine yang ada pakwe nak bergantung kat pakwe tu I have no problem. That's totally up to you guys. BUT YOU ARE FREAKING 22+ FOR GOD SAKES.

Dahla pergi pakai duit rakyat. Make good use of yourself please. GROW UP. Ni bukan undergraduate lagi. Your entering 25. A quarter of a century. Aku sedih duit rakyat pergi kat orang macam ni.

One of the other messages is, I need anger management. I have to stop swearing. Or lessen it to some degree. Ugh. Why orang macam ni exists?

risalah hati

Bismillah

Asal usul manusia semua nak kebaikan, mengharapkan yang baik, nak jadi orang yang baik. Tapi nafsu manusia yang selalu inginkan bende best, mungkin di mata kita benda tu best, tapi hakikatnya, in a long term goal, tak semestinya baik. I'm being strangely vague here but in the future, when I read this, I will relate.

Asalu usulnya, sejujur-jujurnya, aku nak jadi manusia yang baik. Aku cuba. I mean, really tried. I don't know how hard or if I'm trying hard enough. Dulu aku takla sebaik sekarang. Masa silam aku is not something I am proud of. It's sort of like a black hole, something I want to forget. Something I erase from my head if I happen to remember or have flashbacks. Sometimes, I hate my past. Sometimes I'm grateful for having one so that I change in the future.

Change, is something hard to do. People say, you only change; or you are forced to change when you hit rock-bottom. When you have nothing else in your life, or you FEEL like you are so empty, and down, you resort to change. You finally seek Allah. Its a shame really. To seek Allah only in times of hardships. But at least, sedar diri jugak nak cari Allah.

I'm one of those.

Masa silam aku, gives me nightmares. I hate my past. And sebab masa silam aku, I feel like I'm never good enough for certain things now. Sometimes, bila aku terfikir, aku ada keluarga yang baik, kawan-kawan yang baik, supportive semua tu, ada otak yang boleh pakai, aku rasa macam, layak ke aku dapat semua ni. And aku paling benci bila aku LUPA perasaan 'tak layak' tu. Sebab nanti aku lupa diri.

Asal usul aku, seorang perempuan yang gedik. MAK aku pun kata aku lahir gedik. But that's okay. That just means I'm gay and happy. But I hate it when I get carried away, sampai lupa diri. SUSAH nak kawal diri bila tengah prime high. Mungkin ini punca dosa-dosa aku. Aku benci benci bila orang tegur aku sebab aku gedik. Ini maksudnya aku lupa diri.  And I hate it when I do.

Fitrah aku, kalau tengok perempuan pakai tudung labuh, sentiasa senyum manis, tak judgemental macam Adilah ke, Wani ke, hati aku sejuk. Aku nak jadi macam diorang. Jujur.
Fitrah aku, bila aku tengok perempuan macam ni, cool jer, aku rasa iri hati. Kenapa aku tak setenang tu? Kenapa aku teruk? Kenapa aku kena ada history yang bangang, perangai selebet, cincai buncai macam ni? Kenapa aku cemar dengan masa silam aku. *untuk kali ke berapa, aku benci masa silam aku*

Nak pendekkan cerita, aku nak jadi baik tapi susah. Rasa macam kadang-kadang, tertutup peluang. Walaupun aku tek pernah putus mendoakan that one fine day, I'll reach that stage. 

Ni, senang sangat kaah dengan dugaan or godaan yang entah ape-ape. Bende-bende lagha. Susah gile nak berubah beb. Wallahualam. Bahasa masih rempit, ada hati nak berubah.

Fitrah aku memang macam ni. Akulah perempuan yang selebet, main basketball/gitar/piano cincai-cincai, pakai Converse bunga-bunga, tudung kedut-kedut, makan banyak dan inginkan ketenangan. Aku takdela nak cerita solat aku takat mana tapi.. wallahualam, aku sedih kadang-kadang, aku kalah dengan semua lagha-lagha ni, it reminds me of my previous self, masa silam aku yang hitam-hitam tu dulu.

Aku rasa tak layak untuk cinta yang baik. Keluarga yang baik. Tapi Allah bagi jugak. Sayangnya Tuhan kat aku. Tapi aku tetap,tetap tetap  lupa kat Dia. Bodohnya aku.

peppy wishlist

Bismillah

Argh dah naik muak study macam ni! Ye aku tahu mengaji itu kena ikhlas! Aku ikhlas tapi banyak complain? Macam mana tu. Aku benci exam. Why? Exam tu menjadikan aku seorang yang tak ikhlas. I would have read this for interest, solely interest. But noooo, I  HAVE  to read this because of exam.

And sementara aku baca semua notes ni, aku dok pikiaq tangok la angpa lepas aku exam 18hb November ni, that freaky 1pm after our paper, Imma gonna:

1. Play piano. Mantapkan Blue Fields
2. Jam. Main guitar
3. RUN. At Kelvinbridge park. And other parks if possible.(yang ni memang x possible)
4. Usha keyboard
5. Beli notebook yang ada garis2 untuk compose  music. Yes. FINALLY.
6. Read my books at some coffee place under the sun. Or rain. Doesn't matter. And konon-konon feeling cam matsaleh.
7. Explore West End
8. Explore Govanhill  (NOT during wintertime)(Accomplished HELLO.)
9. Make a video of Glasgow city at night. Sara Bareilles as the background music.
10. Make a video of my bus rides. Tal Bachman as the background music.
11. Wear pretty clothes, dress up all girly and have dinner at Jamie's. And buy Kooks CD for Fairuz AND mintak Shamim baca doa untuk Fairuz. *jangan lupa*

OK. Ni list wajib. 

Now. PEP talk.

YOU ARE GONNA STUDY. 

BAK KATA DAYAH AZMI 'STUDY SAMPAI MUNTAH'

TINGGAL 2 HARI LAGI.

YOU WILL ENJOY LIFE AS IT IS AFTER 1PM ON MONDAY 18TH NOVEMBER.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAME HERE FOR THIS.

YOU ARE NOT HERE TO BLABLABLA.

GET THAT DAMN GRADES AND PROVE YOU'RE WORTH THEIR INVESTMENTS

investments. 

No one wants to invest in me, except my parents.

No one trusts in my capabilities, except my parents.

I'll show them. 

Study Week

Bismillah.

When I wrote this. I just realized, this could be very well may be, the last exam I could ever sit for. Lepas ni memang buat researches, projects, Vivas and poster presentations. But it's Thursday, almost a week since I've been screwing my brain sumbat-sumbat-sumbat sampai lewat malam and on the 4th day of sumbat exercises, aku penat.

I'm sleepy, my eyes are scrawny and filled with eyebags, and my tudung is sloppy *although I do think I look pretty today* but at the 5th or 6th hour in the library, yang rupa sikit macam dungeon canggih *andersonian library* I DONT CARE anymore. I might as well be the sloppiest, most selebet, unattractive looking student on the planet.

Topics covered? Plasmodium.. well, now I'm reading on plasmodium, while this guy behind me has been literally stomping on his keyboards all day. Dah la Plasmodium ni tak difahami. I'm like looking at this parasite, which looks like a tear, and I'm like.

what the heck plasmodium. falciparum ke malaria ke. what. the. heck? I mean, kenapa kau complicate sangat? like, why, on earth do you have surface proteins that spells like 3 long words, and your abbreviations.. hhaha subhanallah! Why are you so complicated? Cant you just infect humans in a simple way. Macam HIV ke. Serabut aku tengok protein content kau, dengan organelle kau, dengan susunan gene kau. Bleurgh.

 so, my conversation with Plasmodium. Everytime aku tengok nota ni, dahla tak tersusun. Dah nampak macam belacan dah. I've been studying on this for 2,3 hours by now.

I know I shouldn't complain. I should be happy. I am really. This was my first choice anyway. I expected this and here I am in Glasgow studying in a dungeon where I see morning light everyday for 1 hour max. ok bunyi sarcastic but I'm really glad I'm here. 

 I wrote this, firstly, because I was sleepy. And I'm fasting insha Allah. Hence, the coffee constraint.
Secondly, I miss Elly. I read her blog. And I miss her. Ellyyy, oh Elllyy. Kalu mu bace blog ni, mu senyum molek la deh. Karat dah kecekan aku.

So, yeah study week. So far so good. Well spent. To those who have read this, doakan semua dipermudahkan please? Thanks :)

Sebuah Kisah Klasik

Bismillah.

I was on the bus, making my way to the Andersonian Library when I listened to Sebuah Kisah Klasik.

'bersenang-senanglah karna waktu ini yang kan kita banggakan'

And I can't help but remember one of the best memories that I had here, right here, in the land of Far Far Away. And I told myself when I arrive at the library the first thing I'm gonna do is write this down, so that I remember how I felt, and will always appreciate that moment, this feeling no matter what happens next.

It was a cold day. Wet, cold and I was tired. But I had friends everywhere, everyone was busy doing something, going somewhere, the ecstasy of the Malaysian atmosphere was too much, it seems suffocating.

I had a game that day. It was netball, wasn't my forte but it was closest to basketball so, I played anyway. I lost my first game, I wan't happy but since I didn't cared much, it didn't affect me. I was wrong in a way. All I cared and wanted to do was to see some basketball and meet my brother go get some coffee or something, snap some pictures with him, call the family and enjoy some Malaysian food.

Things changed for me when I saw him. I swear, my heart beat so fast, I felt warm in that 2 or 3 Celsius morning. Macam mana nak describe. *I told myself I wont' be able to describe how i felt because it was so intense* I never thought I would be able to see him. *yes. SEE. just SEE* him, but I did anyway. I had this crush on him back at home, and lo and behold, Allah bawak dia sini, Allah temukan aku dengan dia. Yes. TEMU.

I never dreamt of talking to him. Never.  But I was so flabbergasted by the whole mumbo-jumbo takdir thingy, I called up Ejat and asked him;

"ape ayat cool nak approach orang?"

He laughed of course. Knowing what kind of person I am *this so called-I dont-care, selebet,slumber,serabai girl who eats 12' inch pizza in 7 minutes* I guess he didn't see this coming. Me, giddy and asking for wingman services.

But I pulled up all  my courage, as the saying in For you I will by Teddy Geiger, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have. And just, talked to him.

I swear, it felt like an EPIC FAIL for me. I don't know what was it like for him, must have seen me like some crazy schoolgirl, stupid ke ape ke macam sumpah awkward gila. But whatever it is, I talked  to him. And it felt surreal, it's like what the.. just happened?? Haha. It was crazy I swear.

I felt giddy ALL DAY. And it gave me this adrenaline rush, so much so, I won every netball game after that, I was guarded by two  people in EVERY game, and I had the best time of my life. What happened next was a breeze. I met my brother, he treated me chinese food, we had a good walk together, called mak, ayah, he hugged me before parting and told me;

"I'm happy to see that you are happy"

His literal words. Masha Allah, I cannot thank Allah enough for that day. The day, I spoke to someone I liked so much, never had the courage or imagination that I would get the chance to just know him, talk to him. The day that I enjoyed good, great chemistry in netball.  My teammates were awesome. Funny, caring, cool and just damn right fast. The day that I meet my brother. And got a hug for him. Just remembering this hug, his words, bagi aku semangat. *yes I'm in my study week now*

SSome other things happened to me next. Regarding this crush of mine. But that's not the point. I just want to remember this particular day, what it felt like, that surging adrenaline, crush rush, what it felt like, going up to your crush and idiotically introducing yourself. It sounds stupid and awkward but Allah made it in such a way that.. I'm thankful it happened.

he might read this. God forbid he does and he knows who I'm talking about because he reads and blogs too. But if he does, I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable. This is just how I feel, I like to write, I've been writing since I was in primary school, and I just want to remember this for as long as I live. It's okay if you won't talk or approach or if you see me somewhere in Malaysia or UK or on earth for that matter and you just look away. I'm just glad Allah gave me this courage, this rezeki to talk to you. This experience has been; awesome.

I'm weird I know. And in so many ways. And I'm smiling now because I like being weird and funny and I just don't care anymore. I'll just believe in Allah and what He has planned for me and I know this seems like its not personal because I wrote in on my blog, but I just think blogging is way more convenient than writing on paper and I'm talking nonsense now but.. here goes. Thank you Allah for the 9th November 2013. And the days to come.

My walk with my brother.

Pretty much sums the day. Haha. Close to perfect. Memang sebuah kisah klasik untuk masa depan.