materialistic approach to life

bismillah

I've always thought of myself as a good writer. so im just going to try and write this from a positive angle of perspective.

I've always have an amazement for people, women in particular who are obsessed with brands. Like designer brands or high street stuff. i don't know much but I've just bought a Longchamp bag from Paris. Sounds all high and mighty.

But here's the scenario in Malaysia. We have all sorts of boutiques sprouting everywhere selling very expensive clothing and I still dont get the idea why women are SO obsessed with their looks! Always concerned with knowing what's new, trying to get their hands on the latest trends, trying to look trendy and beautiful and spend loads and loads of money buying the SAME thing again and again.

Like, initially I have nothing against people who want to look good and spend their bucks on clothes and stuff. But then there are these people who are willing to cause trouble to other people, on other parts of the planet, who have access to these branded stuff, for a cheaper price, like moi. And you are not even close to me, you don't even know my struggles and you don't even talk to me when I talk to you and you even talk behind my back. Okay I've been in worse situations. But this just crossed my mind.

Why are you even bothered to buy all these shit . It doesn't elevate your status one bit. You don't even know the history of Louis Vuitton or Chanel or the significance of it. You don't even listen to Hard Rock songs and you don't even play any instrument. Okay tak kisah la kau nk pakai itu hak kau la. I just don't understand like, why people bother so much with stuff? Its all going to eventually get lost or rot anyway.

I originally wanted to talk about Paris and Disneyland but laziness stroke me in the gut and I just got up because I was to irritated by materialistics around me. Like I don't mind buying stuff for loved ones. I'd spend my fortune on them when they mean the world to me. But they don't even ask me to buy things for them. They just want me back, and want my company and that means the WORLD to me. While some certain other people just want the stuff I bought for them.

last day Mres

bismilalh

esok last day Mres. I left for glasgow on the 23rd of Sept. started class on the 24th. started project on the 2nd of Jan up until today, only taking breaks to travel around the world. up till now, starting on hte 23rd of Sept 2013, I've been to Glasgow, Edinburgh, Isle of Skye, Inverness, Isle of Arran, London, Leeds, Sheffield, Lake District, went to Italy, Rome, Milan, Firenze, went to the unknown La Spezia, traveled to Istanbul, met my best friends there, went to Croatia and Bosnia with people I barely knew.

I worked hard like I have never had worked before. Learnt more things than in my past 3 years of undergraduate, met new people, made new friends, good ones, had broken hearts in the middle, healed them through. Had people giving me breakthroughs, been in the minority group.

I had people believing in me like never before. Got scholarship offers. I have people, who are willing to put their money in for me,who sees me as an investment. I have never thought of myself as someone capable of being intelligent academic sense. I might be. Might.

I've lived on my own, in a slum area with gang fights every now and then. Almost been robbed. Assaulted, and a few times, hassled. Went to work early in the morning and came back late nights. My life, revolved around work, and time flies. My life, revolved around work with the intention that i forget my past, all the things that hurts me and with hope that I get something substantial in the end.

All these, are about to end tomorrow.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. Thanks :)

My ideal Bachelor-ette

A girl can dream. and she dreams a WHOLE bunch.

Taking a break from my report writing, I will personally describe what I want for my Bachelorette Party (if anyone really gives a crap about this)

First of all, I would like to emphasize that ALL my important life-long friends must have at least one session of pre-marriage pep talk with me. I would like to discuss with them, most importantly the cons of marriage, and this guy I'll be marrying better be hella' good because he's gonna have me thinking 'cons? what cons?'

I would like to have at least one GOOD basketball 5 on 5 game (tak kisah la dengan siapa against siapa) one that requires me to think, analyse the game, play smart and with all my heart like there's no tomorrow. I would like the game to have a Fieq in it because she knows how I think in a game. Now that's special.

I would like to go swim in ANY kind of river. A Kelantanese river would work out just fine. A Scottish-freezing river is even better. Anything to bring out the water-nymph in me. And I would like to swim till my fingers crinkle and turn blue..

I would like to hike. With Amira Suhada particularly because she poses a challenge. Because she's always ahead of me and that keeps me going.  Probably with my brother too because I wonder what's it like to hike with someone who doesn't talk much. I'd like to hike before I become someone's wife and god forbid, my husband does not do any outdoor activities.

I would like to go to Universal Studios with Hajar and Farah. Because we've planned for that for SO long and never actually do it. And it is now, or never. And I will force Hajar to ride that monstrous roller-coaster with me.  I'd walk with them around the USM campus (if I could) and makan NASI KAMPUNG. A definite wishlist.

I would like to (most importantly) go for KAREOKE big time. 6 hours at least. With party hats and sky-rocketing confidence. I'd sing all those heart-broken songs I sang all my single years. I'd like Hidayah A. Azmi to sing her infamous Kelly Clarkson, Wan Najah Maryam sing Tak ada logika (because she totally destroys the whole song perfectly) and Fatin Afifah sing When you believe with me (because that first time we sang that song everything feels like I'm back in high-school and made me believe in magic)
I would like to have at least one kareoke session with all my scottish girls, Fairuz, Sarah, Ayuni and Amira. Because they taught me friendship can be forged in the most unlikely places, no matter how different you are from each other. Because they made me believe and feel that being single is the most awesome thing in the whole wide world. And that, my friends, is important. Especially when you have your timeline flooded with wedding photos.

I would like to have a good, good lepaking session at the mamak. A badminton/futsal game at night. A sleepover at a friend's house. A heart to heart talk about how we're not gonna be able to do all these crazy stuff with each other as much anymore. About how marriage will change us. About how we have helped each other get through the single years successfully. And I will cry (I think. I'm an emotional wreck I know) and I will miss my girls and for a moment, if I feel like not getting married, there's two explanation for this feeling:

1. The Bachelor-ette experience has been a BLAST. BAM!
2. I'm marrying someone who's not making me feel excited or sweaty or sends butterflies to my stomach. And that's NOT a good sign. 

I hope and hope, that it'll always be the first explanation.

So there, bachelor-ette made-easy. 

panic attack

bismillah

I'm a week from my dissertation dateline and I have ALL the reasons to be cuak and have a panic attack!

So I realized I don't really know how to explain all my data like a pro and i feel like cursing all the time and i fell like 'what am I doing?? how is this going to help the human mankind??' like macam bus drivers take people for here to there everyday and without them our lives will be ruined and here I am, riding the bus everyday and I'm doing my masters and I dont know what I'm doing 

Ok la aku harap PhD will be something significant and i get to play with big computers and x-rays and have a cool life filled with travelling things and awesome good science. Oh. My. God. cuak.

I hope I'll be fine. and you know what? I hate talking about this. but this is the reason why i work hard because i hate it when my brain wanders to the forbidden land of teenage/20s love.

And I dont know if you're reading this, but ooooh my god. I've been trying for 7 years to forget you and then you come back, bergolek-golek into my life and you ruin all my future plans to set the world on fire! I realized that you are my stupid stupid kryptonite and I hate and love you at the same time, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to explain how I feel about you (or this guy) it IS! it's like, im almost there, almost perfect in my own ways, and you have to come and make me DON'T care about my dreams and make new ones with you in it! Damn you!

Oh Allah... *sad face*
I hate worrying about insignificant things. I hate worrying about my life when there are people DYING almost everyday. I hate being stupid. ok sometimes i love being stupid. I love getting up late, eating chocolates and being irresponsible. but writing always puts me back on my feet like suddenly I have a revelation of what I'm supposed to do with my life.

I wish, I had:

1. more time to understand my project
2. someone to teach me properly how to analyse and present my data
3. my supervisor hadn't gone to 3 weeks of holiday
4. someone to be stupid with me (right now its najah)
5. someone who has enough courage, common sense, stupidity, money to marry me and relive my teenage life of travelling and help me go through my PhD

going home

bismillah.

its the 2nd of august. and Im left with 16 more days upon completion of my masters insya Allah. I'm supposed to book a flight home, back to malaysia. the funny thing is, i'm scared to go back home.

there's so many things i'm afraid of facing. family. friends. malaysia. but at the same time, those are the things  i miss. im afraid to go back and find that things have changed, or are still the same. im afraid to go back and have the answers like when am i going to get married or if i have found anyone special yet. im afraid to go back and now, i know for sure im responsible for my family and now ill have to 'man up'. i dont want to see my aunt and hear her ramblings of how ive been spending my time here. or how i might have wasted my dad's money. or how i haven't achieved enough. i hate it that i have to face everyone and smile when i don't want to. or be quiet when i really feel like retaliating and proving them wrong.

im afraid of going to weddings. im afraid to see my dear friends, and facing the fact that their already married, having jobs and are now busy with other things in life. no more stupid roadtrips or jokes or being silly.im afraid to go back and see my best friend going away. im afraid to go back and have my best friends busy.

im afraid to go back and  play basketball. ill definitely be worn out. ill definitely wont be able to dribble or shoot as much. im afraid to go back and meet people.

im afraid to go back and see malaysia. im afraid to face our rude road culture. to face stereotypes. to care about how i look. to mold with the  norm. im nervous and going back really made me realize, what an escape glasgow must have been for me.