Lagu untuk Amzar

amzar, ku ingin kau tahu

aku, suka padamu

namun semua sukar bagiku

karna aku hanya sahabatmu

amzar, kenapa kau lucu

kau paut hatiku hanya dengan minat buku

dengan kata-kata dan petikan gitarmu

aku sangatlah buntu

amzar, aku keliru

siapa aku di hatimu?

mungkinkah aku yang terburu-buru

atau mungkinkah selama ini kau pun begitu?

A note to Maslin and the lovers of my life

Bismillah.

An overdue piece, one of the biggest highlights of coming here; was getting both a scholarship and a job placement.

Trust me; I am the Last person you would expect to get a scholarship. Call it bad luck or rezeki or what it really is, Allah did not make it in a way that I would get a scholarship OR a loan for that matter, ever since I graduated high school up until now. I’m not saying that I should get a scholarship but I’ve tried so many times and never fail, to FAIL getting the money. But I do remember myself in the past; I wasn’t the best person to trust with money. I was flaky, I had dreamy stupid dreams of getting married early, I had no idea about my career or no big thoughts, ambitions and such. I was really immature.

But, through all those times, I had people who believed in me. Somehow, they have never fail to continuously tell me that I am smart and I deserve better and that Allah has better plans for me while I was cursing and at that point, I gave up on myself so many times. There were times, when I was doing the things I did, just because people tell me to do so, not because I wanted to do it or because I believe in what I was doing.

So, I have my dad. When I was 17, I had a boyfriend and Ayah, being the loving man he was, he accepted this bloke into the family just because he knew that’s what makes me happy. I was really selfish, flaky, and stupid and at 17, career or studies wasn’t really the focal point of my life. But Ayah loved me anyways, trusted me with this guy, supported me when I changed courses, gave up on going overseas.. He’d always say I’m the studious one.. But really, I’m not. He just..trusted me with all the stupid things I did. I will never be able to explain why. It’s crazy having someone trusting you that much.

And then I have my mother, always, always always telling me to NEVER stop believing in Allah. There were many times that I gave up. I kinda resolved that maybe Allah has decided this and this for me and this is what I deserve. Maybe I’m just some crappy average girl who will live an average life, and I’ve settled for that. Truth be told, I’m 70% giving up on finding someone who will love me as passionately. Marriage wise, I’ve given up and put it at the far end of my head. That’s how little faith I have and I know it’s bad and I know that Allah’s power is endless. But I’m just ugh.. Ma always tell me to trust in Him. I’m too impatient and rash.

And then.. I have my friends. Those who really stayed with me, consoled me, told me that it is with Allah’s will that I’m here, that I didn’t get scholarship, told me that I’m smart; too smart for boys and drama, tells me that I’m awesome, beautiful in every way (I’m not exaggerating, they tell me this), tells me I’m funny and friendly and prays for me Masha Allah. I have friends that hear me through my lifelong drama of family problems, studies, money, boys.. you name it. I have friends that loved me even when I was a goofy, nerdy geek, a swearing sailor and when I was broken and messed up.

And for all of this, I am eternally grateful.

I realized this, when I got this scholarship from USIM. That 7 years of continuous failing makes me a whole lot more appreciative of what I’m having now. Appreciative of those who stood up for me when I was stupid and broken. I really did worked hard to get up to this point; but I would have never made it without the support, love and the reverse psychology I got from the people in my life.

But most of all, the magic was, Allah made it in such a way.. man. It’s just indescribable. I never thought of myself, as a person, capable of doing what I am doing right now. Allah is Great.

So.. Dear Maslin.

I promised you a writing. That was my story.. It’s been a really long journey for me to get up to this point and some might have it even worse. Last year, no. 2 years ago, I just broke up, got my ligament torn and I had the worst results in my entire undergraduate studies. It seemed as I wasn’t going anywhere fancy or heading for a bright future.

It’s a very stressful environment if you keep comparing yourself to others or if you keep on seeing what you lose or lost for that matter. When I lost sort of everything, I let go. I stop wanting things, stop wishing for the lost memories or what I could have. I just lived my life as best as I could, lived in the present and as far as I could remember, things went uphill from there.

Dear Maslin, you were the best, friend I have ever made over a short time. And as a friend, or adik, I would say, the best struggles, be it hard or small are for the best kinds of people. Life isn’t all about jobs or money, or marriage or statuses. We keep forgetting that. In the end, what we are with or IN the eyes of Allah is what matters. So stay strong and stay cool. Just the way you always are. Things will change for the better J

I’m 2 days from the news; and I am still overwhelmed. Masha Allah. 

when everything goes right...

Its sunny. Everything was going right. I sent my proteins down SEC(size exclusion chromatography). Impressed my SV. Done inducing my proteins, done for the day, waiting for my proteinis to be eluted, read my journals,updated my lab book, learnt to analyse my samples. And then, I listened to Death Cab by Cutie. And then, I texted my ex.

Shit.

And he replied.

Double shit.

And im shaking and im like omg what do I do, and swearing like a sailor in my heart. And I text Besa. I ask her what do I do? She said don’t reply and write about it in my blog. So I did.

Shit.

And I’m not even drunk (not that I ever was) and it’s like 4pm, and I have loads to do like, what the heck was I thinking? This was NOT supposed to happen. I NEED SOMEONE TO SLAP ME IN THE FACE NOW.

Is this normal? Why am I doing this? God I’m so paranoid. Please tell me this is normal. Please tell me it’s completely normal to text your stupid stupid, stupid ex. I’m stupider because I texted HIM.

p/s: Love you Besa. I wish you could slap me now. 

Strangers

Bismillah. 

I wont justify myself, i have, a problem.

You know how it feels, when you just dislike someone, you're not sure why, or what is it that is wrong with that person.. Maybe its just the way they carry themselves or their defensive speech or how they're just so full of themselves or maybe its just how they look at you as if you're damaged or you're not thinking right or maybe, they look at you as if you're the dumbest person ever.

There's this macik. She barely knows me, and gives me advice, no. Tells me to get hitched and confess to this guy I have a crush on, tell him 'sudikah awak jadi suami saya' (who says that nowadays???! Seriously!) and keeps on telling me stuff like, join this club get married early and stuff like 'oh ive presented here, i got this position but i dont want it' 

Omg it annoys me to the brim.

I know im being bitchy here but i met her in the bus again. I know i don't have the purest of hearts but I'm trying my best not to say bad things even by monologue.

Theres no point in writing this. But I might  make my way home, through tonight without mentioning this to my housemate. Because Ive let it out here.

But anyways, there's always people you can relate to, admire, or just be in awe for no absolute reasons either. 

Its funnier when, these people are not popular or in other words introverts and you like them anyway. My point is, some people in your life, you meet them briefly, you immediately like them. Or you don't. And for me, most of the time, I can tell when I look into their eyes.

Ok now this sounds cheesy but it works for me. I know when someone is being genuine or just blah. 

Oh the mystery of people. Of humans, relationships and that brief meeting. You can spend years with someone and still cannot figure them out, still get annoyed by them and you spend time with them anyway. 

And you can meet someone, talk, like real talk, you relate, you wished there was more, but a part of you (me) is hesitant, but you know you've got a good thing going. You know there's chemistry, you know you have mutual understanding. And I miss these people. I feel that spark, magic whatever. But I think, when I dont feel it often, I appreciate it even more. 

Ive deviated completely 😅

These people were strangers to me once. But who knows, one day, maybe, we might become lifelong friends.

Of sea

The sea, is a grand mystery.no camera can capture the majestic grandeur, the velvety skin of the ocean. Deep turquoise, at night, pitch black. So terrifying and beautiful at the same time. As we drove put into the open seas, leaving dubrovnik behind, our horizons expanded. Nothing left in between, only us, the grey blue skies and the deep, deep blue sea.

period cramps

Bloody cramps

Head-wise: 

Two iron bars compressing your forehead, a whoozy whirling spiral everywhere you look. Eyes are puffy, your face color all drained. Lips are pale and unattractive.

Pimples.(Need I mention?) They grow like mushrooms after rain. Ugly red inflamed skin with white puss popping up everywhere. 

Hair, amazingly really soft and shiny, the ONLY good thing. Ears, basically you're semi deaf during cramps.

Torso: 

Two huge bars forever clamping, compressing your waist, stomach and uterus. Ovaries weighing over 10 kg each, feels like you're carrying an iron round dumb-bell each.Also feels poisonous. Every time you cough or sneeze, iron ovaries squeeze blood that feels like a tsunami in your pants. it is literally, a crime scene in your pants. It is ugly. it is UNATTRACTIVE. 

Stomach is really bloated, you cannot fit in any of your jeans. Flatulence every now and then, you cannot escape this. again, UNATTRACTIVE. Wind going up you feel like puking all the time. Muscle twisted and stretched and pulled. Honestly, we are girls. We are naturally soft and fragile and its painful and it's too much and it's breaking us up.

Legs:

Knee ligaments are rearranged to be disoriented all in the wrong fitting. Like a hammer consistently knocking against the knee cap. and then your thighs pulled down and stretched and twisted. A whoozy, dull pain in your ankles and knees forever. Every time you walk, you have a tempting feeling of chopping off your feet or maybe just folding them so that the pain feels numb.

So, men. Love your woman. 

They went through living hell to bear your children. And this is monthly. And it's not even pregnancy.

An honest perspective of the girl-next-door.

man-repellant/mother's day

Bismillah, O Allah, you know what I did, what I felt, and I sure hope that it will bring the good in me or have a hikmah somewhere somehow.

I woke up on Mother's Day, having my period.

Man that is not a good start.

But its a better-now-than-later situation so I was thankful for that. It is a Sunday anyway. I wasn't keen on scrolling any of social media that morning. well, mainly because I know it's going to be over-flooded with mother's day posts and pictures. I didn't really believe any of that. I genuinely don't. Maybe it was because I haven't spoke to my mom except for things like, telling her about my interview (only if she asked me). It was also because she now has all of her children with her at home, except me and Akmal. So, technically she don't really need me now.

I opened the internet and whatsapp anyway. So it was this Sunday morning, and I was hungry, and all of our food is out and I'm scrolling through these pictures of my family having fun, eating out and being treated by my aunt that calls me a stupid flaky girl who will choose a boyfriend/husband over family. Oh man this is NOT getting good. 

I woke up anyway. The house was a mess. I generally don't have the patience to wait for my flatmate to clean it up and I don't know if she ever does but that's just because I'm never at home. So I got up, cramps and all and started to clean the toilet, kitchen blablabla.. I was REALLY grumpy at that point.

This has also taught me that I am actually a clean and tidy person which I never saw coming. And this has opened a new-found respect for my mother. Because she'd always come home from work and the house is a total mess. So, if there's anything I'd like to say about Mother's day, it would be that, Ma, Thank you for cleaning up for the whole family and putting up with all our crap and mess. You're beautiful, and incredibly loving for that.

So, I was eating yogurt (the ONLY thing left in the fridge that was edible) and Fairuz was in the kitchen preparing her Ramyun, and she accidentally cut her hand. REALLY BAD. She collapsed out of panic and almost blacked out. I mean, you could see the insides of the hand because there were flaps of her skin which you could peek through. It was totally sick.

Now, NHS has this shitty system which you have to wait forever before they treat you. I swear to god, I HATE NHS. It doesn't work for all it's worth and I don't care even if it's free. Why? Because it is not opened on the weekend. What kind of health service is that??

Now, both Fairuz and I were hypoglycemic from not having anything since last night and now it was 12pm. So we dressed up as whatever, (we looked like really, really ugly poor-looking single girls) This, was what I meant by man/repellent. took the bus and went to the hospital. She got 3 stitches and I almost puked and collapsed from my horrible horrible cramps.

So, after hospital, we managed to bring ourselves to the city for some lunch and pharmaceutical shopping, groceries, went back and I finally collapsed.

Sunday highlights covered.

We both talked about football, people who were really good in Malay language, how the Malaysian government needs to start selling 'Dewan Masyarakat' again and that we need to find ourselves spouses to take care of us just because we are so messed up and fragile.

Oh well. I'm trying my best to be optimistic but I think it's the hormones kicking and I can't really put myself to feel any better. I should be syukur that things could've been worse for us. A whole lot worse.

If you're reading this, please pray for me and Fairuz. Just put your hands into a cup form, and pray the nicest things you can think for us. Like stability, protection and love. Thanks.

Technically my second day

Bismillah

I figured out nobody in the internet really cares so, Ill be storing more stuff here. Like a really organised diary.

Its 9.15pm and its still not dark yet. Texhnically the sun just set a few minutes ago. I just finished a really really tiring day at the lab. My protein's really crazy and temperamental, purifying it was a pain. James, the guy in charge for my project, told me to go back while he offered to stay and continue to purify the damn thing. I felt so guilty. 

But i went back anyway, braved the cold wet rain. And waited forever for the bus to come. Ed sheeran, david bowie and coldplay helped set a wet rainy day feeling. 

I hope everything will be worth it in the end.

Ke hadapan Siti Hajar dan Tengku Farah Adilah

Bismillah,

first and foremost, I didnt think anyone would read my blog. I dont know if some people do but it was on the basis that I thought no one would be interested, was why I wrote about my personal thoughts, and letters to the people who would spend time into reading and caring about what I think. If you are reading this, or judging, or relating to what I'm writing, thank you.


Assalamualaikum, (langkah masuk bilik 122, DM1 dan bersila di hadapan pintu)

haha. Aku datang nak membebel. Engkorang pun tahu aku macam mana.

Weh. Osem gila paper final year project korang kena publish! (peluk hajar, peluk farah tanpa segan silu walaupun aku tahu korang tak perlu pun aku peluk)
Nah. aku belanja nasi kampung (farah lauk daging sotong, hajar lauk ayam masak merah)
So.. korang macam mana sekarang?

Farah
Farah aku rasa kau ni memang perintis Che' Mie. Haha walaupun ability kau nak main volley tu mungkin tak semantap dulu? takpe. aku pun dah tue. sikit. weh, kau tau, kalau aku jogging tu paling-paling pun 5km je? pastu jengket-jengket dah. yee weh.. kena terima hakikat. boh-boh la bersukan beriye sangat. tapi makcik-makcik kat Scotland ni fit, aku rasa tergugat kalau tak fit macam diorang. Barula laki tak lari weh!

Hajar
Hajar, kau macam mana? Kerja ke belum? Sorry la aku tak follow sangat kau buat ape. Macam Farah, ada Dr Wan nak bocorkan ape dia buat. Kau aku mana tau? Lainla kalau S**** cite-cite kat aku ke, A*** cite cite kat aku ke.. Ni.. dorg jarang contact aku.

Orang Lain
Sebenarnye, yang aku still keep in contact, korang, Mus (suprisingly), Fakri, Samah. Itu dari USM la. Yang lain mungkin busy. Tunggu aku dulu tegur baru diorang balas. Bukan nak buat cerita sedih. Mungkin diorang sibuk.. Ntahla. Tapi sebab korang keep in touch dengan aku, aku pun menulis la sekalung penghargaan bla bla bla ni. :)

Aku
Aku.. macam biase la. semakin hari semakin matang semakin jelita dan berbisa. pui. Aku second project ni. Insya Allah khamis ni SV aku anta aku pg oxford nk guna Synchrotron (huge atomic building ala-ala cite2 ironman tu) nak guna electron untuk analyse protein ang aku purify. Whadeheck. Sejujurnye aku tak faham sangat aku buat ape. Aku baru start project 2 minggu. Sumpah wallahi orang-orang kat sini pandai nk mamfus. Kerdil nya aku.

Cinte Hati
And um, aku tau korang tunggu hal ni. Ye.. aku takde pakwe. Tak caye? Caye la. Aku cam biase la jiwang kosong-kosong. Slalu mendoakan yang terbaik. Tapi aku ade suka someone! Dan someone suka aku! tapi ni cinte tiga segi dan aku malas nak fikir. Sebab masing-masing duduk jauh. haa. dapat agak siape tak? Bajet misteri. (farah boleh la pukul aku sikit)

USIM
Pastu.. aku snanye nak mintak korang doakan aku. Lusa ada interview dengan USIM ni. Aku betul-betul nak post ni. Tengah penat fikir macam mana nak jadi berkarisma lagi ni. Doakan la lidah aku ni lancar, petah dan cakap benda-benda yang berfaedah je. Doakanla rezeki aku murah like korang punye fyp project yang kebaboom tu :P

Ok. (bangun, lipat bungkusan nasi aku, amek kunci kerete) aku kena fly balik Glasgow ni. Doakan yang terbaik untuk aku weh. (peluk farah, peluk hajar. kali ni korang terima dengan hati terbuka)

I'll miss you gais!

p/s: farah, aku pakai dah coat kau bagi tu. glasgow ni kaki hujan jugak. so, mmg berguna sangat coat kau!

The ugly friend

Bismillah.

This, is what I really feel.

So yeah the hocus pocus drama of a woman in the 20th century. We all see ads of objectifying women, and portraying them of how they should look or at least EXPECTED to look like.And I don't mean this in just a Western perspective. Because it's just so overrated. And we couldn't just stop at the ads, there are equally lost of articles and retaliations of how a woman should not be or look like. Articles that say, 'beauty is not everything' 'stop objectifying women' 'everyone is beautiful in every way' the whole lot of crap.

I'd say, no matter how you express it, an ugly girl will always feel ugly. And as crude as this might be, before that someone she adores tells her otherwise, she'll probably feel that way for a long time.

I'd say, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But up to a certain point. I'd say, we can all agree if someone is utterly beautiful.

I'm not pretty or beautiful. At least that's how I feel. And I chose brains over brawn. And I'm not saying all the pretty girls are stupid or bimbos. But I'm just saying, on  gloomy Friday evening, as I'm waiting for my SDS gel to be stained, plan to pray Asar afterwards, my brains constantly thinking on what to write next, and not caring how I look up at this point, myself always wearing this worn jeans, grey sweater with tudung bawal; I'll always be this kind of person; this kind of girl.

And deep deep down, watching my friends get hitched away, or showing  the world that they are gonna get married or something similar to that, I feel a bit left out. Like time is moving slower for me. Or maybe I won't get married. Or maybe I'll really just study until I die. Or maybe it'll be like what I think, that I'll come back and just take care of my parents and siblings and maybe as time goes by, I won't care anymore. But heck, deep deep down, I think I do.

But it isn't so bad as it sounds. I'm learning. And I love knowledge. And I think being here, makes me the best Muslim I could be.

I do feel a bit lonely. I mean, my parents won't listen much to me up at this point. They're so lucky that they have two younger children to keep them busy at home. Maybe I don't even have to get married and have kids to give them grandchildren because the'll always have someone at home to keep them company.

*This is a really really negative post but it's honest anyway.

Right. So.. I'd better get to work.