A note to Maslin and the lovers of my life

Bismillah.

An overdue piece, one of the biggest highlights of coming here; was getting both a scholarship and a job placement.

Trust me; I am the Last person you would expect to get a scholarship. Call it bad luck or rezeki or what it really is, Allah did not make it in a way that I would get a scholarship OR a loan for that matter, ever since I graduated high school up until now. I’m not saying that I should get a scholarship but I’ve tried so many times and never fail, to FAIL getting the money. But I do remember myself in the past; I wasn’t the best person to trust with money. I was flaky, I had dreamy stupid dreams of getting married early, I had no idea about my career or no big thoughts, ambitions and such. I was really immature.

But, through all those times, I had people who believed in me. Somehow, they have never fail to continuously tell me that I am smart and I deserve better and that Allah has better plans for me while I was cursing and at that point, I gave up on myself so many times. There were times, when I was doing the things I did, just because people tell me to do so, not because I wanted to do it or because I believe in what I was doing.

So, I have my dad. When I was 17, I had a boyfriend and Ayah, being the loving man he was, he accepted this bloke into the family just because he knew that’s what makes me happy. I was really selfish, flaky, and stupid and at 17, career or studies wasn’t really the focal point of my life. But Ayah loved me anyways, trusted me with this guy, supported me when I changed courses, gave up on going overseas.. He’d always say I’m the studious one.. But really, I’m not. He just..trusted me with all the stupid things I did. I will never be able to explain why. It’s crazy having someone trusting you that much.

And then I have my mother, always, always always telling me to NEVER stop believing in Allah. There were many times that I gave up. I kinda resolved that maybe Allah has decided this and this for me and this is what I deserve. Maybe I’m just some crappy average girl who will live an average life, and I’ve settled for that. Truth be told, I’m 70% giving up on finding someone who will love me as passionately. Marriage wise, I’ve given up and put it at the far end of my head. That’s how little faith I have and I know it’s bad and I know that Allah’s power is endless. But I’m just ugh.. Ma always tell me to trust in Him. I’m too impatient and rash.

And then.. I have my friends. Those who really stayed with me, consoled me, told me that it is with Allah’s will that I’m here, that I didn’t get scholarship, told me that I’m smart; too smart for boys and drama, tells me that I’m awesome, beautiful in every way (I’m not exaggerating, they tell me this), tells me I’m funny and friendly and prays for me Masha Allah. I have friends that hear me through my lifelong drama of family problems, studies, money, boys.. you name it. I have friends that loved me even when I was a goofy, nerdy geek, a swearing sailor and when I was broken and messed up.

And for all of this, I am eternally grateful.

I realized this, when I got this scholarship from USIM. That 7 years of continuous failing makes me a whole lot more appreciative of what I’m having now. Appreciative of those who stood up for me when I was stupid and broken. I really did worked hard to get up to this point; but I would have never made it without the support, love and the reverse psychology I got from the people in my life.

But most of all, the magic was, Allah made it in such a way.. man. It’s just indescribable. I never thought of myself, as a person, capable of doing what I am doing right now. Allah is Great.

So.. Dear Maslin.

I promised you a writing. That was my story.. It’s been a really long journey for me to get up to this point and some might have it even worse. Last year, no. 2 years ago, I just broke up, got my ligament torn and I had the worst results in my entire undergraduate studies. It seemed as I wasn’t going anywhere fancy or heading for a bright future.

It’s a very stressful environment if you keep comparing yourself to others or if you keep on seeing what you lose or lost for that matter. When I lost sort of everything, I let go. I stop wanting things, stop wishing for the lost memories or what I could have. I just lived my life as best as I could, lived in the present and as far as I could remember, things went uphill from there.

Dear Maslin, you were the best, friend I have ever made over a short time. And as a friend, or adik, I would say, the best struggles, be it hard or small are for the best kinds of people. Life isn’t all about jobs or money, or marriage or statuses. We keep forgetting that. In the end, what we are with or IN the eyes of Allah is what matters. So stay strong and stay cool. Just the way you always are. Things will change for the better J

I’m 2 days from the news; and I am still overwhelmed. Masha Allah. 

Ke hadapan Siti Hajar dan Tengku Farah Adilah

Bismillah,

first and foremost, I didnt think anyone would read my blog. I dont know if some people do but it was on the basis that I thought no one would be interested, was why I wrote about my personal thoughts, and letters to the people who would spend time into reading and caring about what I think. If you are reading this, or judging, or relating to what I'm writing, thank you.


Assalamualaikum, (langkah masuk bilik 122, DM1 dan bersila di hadapan pintu)

haha. Aku datang nak membebel. Engkorang pun tahu aku macam mana.

Weh. Osem gila paper final year project korang kena publish! (peluk hajar, peluk farah tanpa segan silu walaupun aku tahu korang tak perlu pun aku peluk)
Nah. aku belanja nasi kampung (farah lauk daging sotong, hajar lauk ayam masak merah)
So.. korang macam mana sekarang?

Farah
Farah aku rasa kau ni memang perintis Che' Mie. Haha walaupun ability kau nak main volley tu mungkin tak semantap dulu? takpe. aku pun dah tue. sikit. weh, kau tau, kalau aku jogging tu paling-paling pun 5km je? pastu jengket-jengket dah. yee weh.. kena terima hakikat. boh-boh la bersukan beriye sangat. tapi makcik-makcik kat Scotland ni fit, aku rasa tergugat kalau tak fit macam diorang. Barula laki tak lari weh!

Hajar
Hajar, kau macam mana? Kerja ke belum? Sorry la aku tak follow sangat kau buat ape. Macam Farah, ada Dr Wan nak bocorkan ape dia buat. Kau aku mana tau? Lainla kalau S**** cite-cite kat aku ke, A*** cite cite kat aku ke.. Ni.. dorg jarang contact aku.

Orang Lain
Sebenarnye, yang aku still keep in contact, korang, Mus (suprisingly), Fakri, Samah. Itu dari USM la. Yang lain mungkin busy. Tunggu aku dulu tegur baru diorang balas. Bukan nak buat cerita sedih. Mungkin diorang sibuk.. Ntahla. Tapi sebab korang keep in touch dengan aku, aku pun menulis la sekalung penghargaan bla bla bla ni. :)

Aku
Aku.. macam biase la. semakin hari semakin matang semakin jelita dan berbisa. pui. Aku second project ni. Insya Allah khamis ni SV aku anta aku pg oxford nk guna Synchrotron (huge atomic building ala-ala cite2 ironman tu) nak guna electron untuk analyse protein ang aku purify. Whadeheck. Sejujurnye aku tak faham sangat aku buat ape. Aku baru start project 2 minggu. Sumpah wallahi orang-orang kat sini pandai nk mamfus. Kerdil nya aku.

Cinte Hati
And um, aku tau korang tunggu hal ni. Ye.. aku takde pakwe. Tak caye? Caye la. Aku cam biase la jiwang kosong-kosong. Slalu mendoakan yang terbaik. Tapi aku ade suka someone! Dan someone suka aku! tapi ni cinte tiga segi dan aku malas nak fikir. Sebab masing-masing duduk jauh. haa. dapat agak siape tak? Bajet misteri. (farah boleh la pukul aku sikit)

USIM
Pastu.. aku snanye nak mintak korang doakan aku. Lusa ada interview dengan USIM ni. Aku betul-betul nak post ni. Tengah penat fikir macam mana nak jadi berkarisma lagi ni. Doakan la lidah aku ni lancar, petah dan cakap benda-benda yang berfaedah je. Doakanla rezeki aku murah like korang punye fyp project yang kebaboom tu :P

Ok. (bangun, lipat bungkusan nasi aku, amek kunci kerete) aku kena fly balik Glasgow ni. Doakan yang terbaik untuk aku weh. (peluk farah, peluk hajar. kali ni korang terima dengan hati terbuka)

I'll miss you gais!

p/s: farah, aku pakai dah coat kau bagi tu. glasgow ni kaki hujan jugak. so, mmg berguna sangat coat kau!

Re: I told you so-Hidayah A. Azmi 3

Bismillah,

Dear Hidayah A. Azmi

I guess 'I told you so' does run a little longer in our friendship. I think the first 'I told you so' went way back in 2007? 6 years ago.

But this time, study wise, I'm not really sure of your whereabouts now. How you are coping with work, studies, family and friends. And I am terribly sorry for that. Blame it on the stupid connectivity between the Scottish Empire and Malaysia.

But based on the past 10 years of knowing you, I would like to point out again (in case you forget) that you are one. Brilliant. girl. You are one of the smartest, quick-witted girl I have even known. Yes you do make some stupid decisions (we all do) and despite me telling you not to I'm glad you did those mistakes anyway because the other thing we have in common is that, we learn through experience. Its a harder, tougher road of learning things but, I guess learning through experience is the only way of learning for hot-headed, stubborn girls like us.

Smart wise, the other day, I was doing my report and I found out that the media culture I used for my cells were called RPMI. Abbreviation: (Roswell Park Memorial Institute) media. How awesome is that? And YOU  used to work there as an intern, published a paper and made a poster for your study. How. Awesome. Is. That? I don't think you realize how valuable this can be and I will always think that you're too good for what you're doing now.

But anyways, life takes us where it wants us to be. Allah takes us where He wants us to be. So..whatever it is you have decided to do, you know where to find me.

Sincerely,
the-girl-with-a-poster-presentation-tomorrow (hint: doakan aku)
Liyana

Hidayah A. Azmi 2

Bismillah,

Dear Besa,

You make me believe in the power of friendship! Mantap!

Thank you so much for the reply. It's kinda stupid we're replying via blogging like its for all the world to see. But I just felt obliged to return the favor.

Whenever someone treats me nicely, or just blow my heart away, i just go speechless, I always question my deeds or what did I do that made me deserve this. Allah Maha Kaya. It's funny because I just want to say thank you for your priceless reply, suntikan semangat and such, but I'm speechless.

To be honest, this year, is by far the year where I have the most people expressing their believe in me, their confidence, their willingness to trust in my capabilities and my worth. You're one of that people.

I miss our stupid times together too. The stupid car rides, my stupid tears and yours. Remember I cried in the car pasal Muze and I called you? That was an epic moment. I don't however miss my money going down the drain because of our clothes bought that we didn't wear though. Lol. But I do miss heading down Bangsar to curb your Bangsar fetish. I miss how you always ask me for advice but never do it lol. I miss telling you "I told you so". I miss being crappy with you.

But I would also like to tell you that, I'm now okay. And that, I'm back into my religious mood-bla-bla-bla (aku bukanlah baik sangat but we both know we're heading there slowly). And I would like to say that, I underestimated the power of Doa, and that.. I just need to be patient.

I know we're both heading very different lives and it just could be that we're diverging more as we progress through life. I may not always be with you or be there for you like before. But aku pernah dengar pepatah, jangan simpan orang dalam hati sebab hati tu sempit. Simpan orang tu dalam doa sebab doa tu seluas langit. Something macam tu la. I don't need to tell you but you know that you, and the rest of our stupid and crazy friends are always in my prayers.

I hate being mushy too but this was an exception. Thank you for your awesome reply. No words can describe how much it meant and helped me get up and just set my mood on fire to do the things I should be doing. Oh and anyway, kau tau kan yang aku believe in your potential jugak. And I think you're just as brilliant, if not more than I am lol. Malaysia is sort of.. limiting your talent ;) But like I said, sometime in the future, I'll be saying to you, "I told you so"

Love you always, in times of joy and hardships. I won't be there for you always, but I pray Allah will.

p/s: Lega Maiman ada utk kau. In some ways. lol

Hidayah A. Azmi

Bismillah. I am sorry.

Dear Besa,

I would imagine that I'm writing a handwritten letter to you but it takes so long to get to you and I think if I were to do that I'd probably won't write this (hich is a good thing and you'll know why).

Again, I promise you, brutal honesty in words and in content.

You are my bitchy friend. And that is both a good and a bad thing. Good in a sense, that I am not an angel or one of those girls who wears perfectly long clothes like we are supposed to wear, and polite ans a feather, soft as the breeze. I still swear, I swear a lot, I fall in love easily and hard and I hate my heart. And I am thankful, forever thankful and Alhamdulillah for a friend like you although you're now busy with work, your bf, masters and so many other Malaysian things. Which I understand completely.

For now, I'm immersing myself with work just so I don't get sad. Because, I think I'm falling for someone again.

God I hate my heart.

I swear so many times that I've prayed that Allah would just take it away or just kill my love for the world and everything in it.

And this person I'm falling for, I swear this will be the ONLY time I'm writing about it.

We used to be great friends. Like, I've never met a guy that caring or genuine or original in my entire life. And we have so much in common. And we share our music. Our money, and our secrets. And it seems sometimes, I could go the distance. Forget some people and focus on my life here. Everything seemed alright and so.. carefree with him around. Like I have my second best friend.

But I came back from London one day, and everything changed. He just sort of, distanced himself away from me. I tried harder, to be cool or whatever it was I was like before I went to London, and I felt like I'm not being myself. So, I hated it, and stopped trying.

And I distanced myself. And prayed. And prayed hard.

By now, I'm still sad because this time, I feel like I'm losing a friend, rather than just erasing a stupid crush I once had. And you, Besa, yes you; are hundreds of miles away and I used to bitch about things to you everytime something crappy comes up and honestly, you don't really give me the best advice but you, accept me when I swear and curse.

And I need that, because I'm just that.

It's sort of bad that I need you to hear me curse but a part of me feels better after cursing to you, like you really know what I feel like saying but I think I've been patient for so long, I know what I should have done is pray, and said astaghfirullah, and start posting something really religious like I always do.

I mean, I believe in what I post but now, this.. Is just on the brim of my patience and I think I'm about to break up.

I absolutely hate it when I have guy problems. I feel sick, stupid and really flaky. And God, I swear, I have a good and intelligent brain and I'm not gonna let some stupid guy problem turn me into a hopeless romantic. But I swear it's just fucking hard sometimes. Being strong all the time.

I did ask you to read this. Thank you for your time. And if you want to be as equally sweet as I am, write something up. I don't care if it sounds stupid but I want you to know it will make me feel a whole lot better.

Million-miles-away, genuine and busy, secretly wishing and forever believing in the power of prayers,

Liyana Azmi

how I got to Glasgow

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful. And with the beginning of everything.

The road to where I am now:

I think the role of facebook now is to show the highlights of our lives, ones which we think are important, and that we need to share or, OR showoff to the public. Whichever appeals to you best. Lately, I have been posting some of the things that had happened to me here during my post-graduate experience, in Great Glasgow, Scotland. And I think, because of facebook, our lives are exposed more than ever. And more people know what’s going on to others. That is, if they update it regularly.

And because of that, I get some messages from my juniors asking how did I get here? Where does my money come from? Who do I apply to? And what not. So, dear people who are genuinely, really interested in doing masters, the second level of higher education, a whole new level of stress and independence, and a whole new life, here is my story.

My results

I am 25 years old. I just finished my undergraduate studies as a biomedical student in USMKK in June 2013. I graduated with a CGPA of 3.45. A very average CGPA if I compare this result to my other classmates whom I think, have pointers of roughly 3.5 above.  My IELTS is 8.0 out of 9 but that was just by luck I swear. I had an easy-going examiner who asked me this question for my speaking test.

‘Tell me about your study place’

And Kelantan was rich of culture, experience, and since it was close to my heart, I scored easily.

Applying

I started applying for masters programs in January 2013. I applied them online when I was doing my final year project. Most of them required me to write a personal statement. Personal statements that asks me why I am interested to study, why should they pick me as their student, what do I hope to learn and gain from the course when I graduate, what do I want from the course.. etc. You get the idea.

 I also had to get reference letters from my lecturers. At this point, you will wish you are close to your lecturers and you need them to write nice, honest things about you. And most of the reference letters, you won’t get to read them. You go to a lecturer, say Prof. A, you ask her to write a reference letter for you so that you can go to Uni A for masters, she writes the letter and emails it directly to the Uni A. You won’t get to see what she wrote about you, unless it is an open reference letter format.

Funding

I am self-funded. Originally, I didn’t want to study overseas because this would burden my family. But, My mother told me, Allah dah bagi peluang and not many people get offers. Money is just an object and it comes from Allah. She also told me that, it is jihad to be searching for knowledge lillahi taala and that my friends, is one of the strongest reason why I came here, what kept me going through the tough times, and what makes me feel better in the end.

Offers

Offer wise, just apply for as many universities as you can. In my case, I got three offers, and got rejected by a university once. I chose the one recommended by a close lecturer of mine. It was a good choice.

MARA

My friends are mostly sponsored by MARA. That year, MARA did an advertisement for those who are interested to pursue for their masters oversea. It was phenomenal. I think the advertisement opened late December and closed somewhere in February. It was a matric test; you have to answer questions on paper that question your intelligence, your integrity and your personality.  I didn’t score the test and here, is where I fail to secure my funding.

Accommodations

You need to figure this one out thoroughly. Most people, when they get their offers, go to their designated areas and find their houses, (private) with the people they have agreed to live with (housemates). There are some who choose to live in student accommodations too. There are some pros and cons to this. 

First, student accommodations are mixed with international students and you need to consider living with people who come from different countries, and live with their way of living as well. Their hygiene, party habits, cooking habits, food, soal halal dan haram, you name it. Secondly, they are a wee bit expensive than private houses. The pros; they are closer to the campus (big plus point), you enjoy all the student facilities (gym-huge plus point!) and you get your own room, a comfortable study table, etc. 

If you live in an apartment/house, you need to control your budget, and remember to put aside some money for monthly rent, bills, and if it is not furnished, you need to furnish it. A second issue to this, is your housemate. You choose your housemate wisely. It’s the second closest thing to choosing a husband. I swear.  I am lucky, very lucky to have met my housemate, by chance and Alhamdulillah we get along well. You need to be with someone who is nice to be with, can compromise and discuss, not stingy, and hygienic. And it’s a bonus if you can find someone who can be your friend in good and bad times, a person who can listen and talk to you, give and take, and have the same taste of music as you (karaoke purposes).

Your house and street is a big issue. It needs to be safe, preferably close to the uni. If not, you’re going to spend approx. 40 pounds on transport issues, hustle with the crowd at office hours when you’re dead tired and fight the cold when you’re walking home or waiting for the bus. Safety issues; I live in a quite slum area, kena usik dengan orang yang kurang tamadun/drunk at nights, and I’ve almost got robbed of my phone in broad daylight. It can be dangerous at times but this means that you need to be prepared for this before you come here.

Studying

People here are down-right smart. They also expect you to be smart. And when I mean smart, get ready to spend 10 hours in the library/lab/studio (whatever it is your doing). The hours I put in my study here, is.. incomparable to the hours I put into my study back in Malaysia. And I’m just an average student here, I barely made it through my exams and I work hard. All my friends work hard. And we don’t get to complain because we signed up for this. This is postgraduate.  And you don’t want to give the impression of Malaysians being dimwits or lazy asses.

What else.. I think I got most of the basics covered up. If anything, just ask me here. I’m really sorry that I don’t reply to the messages as best as I could because honestly, I don’t really have the time to explain properly unless I put it to paper like this. Trust me, I never imagined myself being like this, this busy, my social life turned upside down, being independent, and having most of my time alone. But here’s the other thing. Being in another country, like this, has taught me to be alone with Allah. That’s what I meant when I said, ‘Forever alone no more’.  I’m still single and I spend most of my time alone. Be prepared for that too. J

Work Ethics

Dengan Nama Allah, The Most Merciful, The Righteous Teacher, The All-Compassionate.

I never thought I would enjoy or love doing what I'm doing, or being where I am now.

I've said this before, and as much as I'm afraid of jinxing it, I'll say it again. The work ethic here is fantastic. Research here is 10 times faster than in Malaysia. And I love, my lab. My floor at least.
There were times I didn't feel like I quite fit in. But if I compared this to the lab back home, I mean, I'm staying in my own country where we speak the same language. By right we should be able to mix around and help each other.

It's not that I'm complaining or trying to prove anything here. But back home, the ice box is not meant to be shared. Between different groups.  When I faced this situation back then I was like, Oh. Okay.

But here, my supervisor took out an icebox for me, filled it with ice and watched me do PCR  just to make sure I did it right. And today, he called me a good scientist, despite all the hurdles I'm having, inconsistent digestions and having wasting buckets of plates for colony transformation.

I had learnt, more things within these 2 months here than I had learnt for 2 of my final years back in Malaysia. And subhanallah the people are so encouraging. I mean, Anne, Sile, Hannah, Heather, Khuram, Shira. I don't know.. basically the whole lab sort of, wants  to help if if they know you're in need of something. The Spaniards were really helpful, lending their gel machines, combs or any machine (when you think of it) you name it! And they're in a different group!

Everyone smiles at you, the technicians say good morning, asked about your weekend, and when it snows, they'll all encourage you to go out and play in the snow because they know you're Asian and never had snow before. I don't want to be too gullible, blindly thinking everyone is nice and has rainbows in their heads and hearts. But so far, alhamdulillah. Everyone is friendly here. The whole floor is about 6 blocks wide, and just about everyone knows everyone in it.

I really don't want to compare this to the scene back in Malaysia but people here, are just really into their stuff, genuinely interested in what their doing, passionate and open minded. I mean, if you have a problem and you just go to anyone with a good nature, ask for their opinion, they'll just try to help. Even if they're from a different group. And if they can't they'll just say sorry and suggest someone who can.

Oh and did I mention, they open doors for you, cook stuff like desserts and briyani for you every now and then? Its awesome. Its Islam to me. Pure and straightforward. They're not muslims. But what I can say, when I hear that Islam is evident, more apparent in the overseas, can be true. 

Science has bad and good days. People cheer for you on the good ones, and give you support on the bad ones. And my English is a bit weird here but they just laugh at me and say its okay.

I wish Malaysia could have a good work atmosphere just like what I'm having now. I mean, we're lean mean working machines, straight from 9-5. At least from 9-5. But I see people coming on weekends and earlier in the morning. Sometimes at 7. Sile has amazing results and she comes in at 7, leaves at 6 pm, comes in weekends, and she's the best. I think almost everyone loves her because she's just friendly and helpful. It's kind of apparent here that, the most hardworking person, is the most celebrated one in the lab. 

Work. I never thought I would be immersed by it. My prayers has even shifted a bit. I mean like, I pray I make good work in the end. Meet good people in the end. Have a good ending.

To Dr Wan Amir, thank you for recommending me Glasgow as a study place. My supervisor asked me, "How do you find Glasgow?"
"I find it alright. I like it better than London and other parts of England. The people here are nice and friendly"
and he said, "Yeah. That's why I stayed too."

Moga-moga kita ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang baik-baik di dunia dan di akhirat. Insya Allah

I meant to write this a week ago

In the Name of Allah, THE Most Gracious, Merciful, Able and Great.

A week ago, I went to Istanbul with my high-school friends, Najah and Feefa. It was the trip to remember and oh for so many reasons.

We are turning 25, single, finishing our studies insya Allah by the end of this year and we are, miles and miles away from home. 

The reason why I wrote this: Was a message to our remaining, tight-knit, close friends in Malaysia.

It is what we (what I felt, at least) when we were together. 

Istanbul, was beautiful for me because of the people. They were nice, generally speaking for all Turkish people, (we met good ones during our trip). It was most beautiful because of my friends.

And we stayed at the dormitories. So we got a feeling of high-school all over again. And before we doze off to sleep, we talk and did so many funny things like we used to when we were studying together back in high-school.

One of the topics were, that you guys, (girls) are getting married when we're still here. 

And that we're missing out on the conversation all the time because of both time difference and our hectic schedule. This time, I'm not crapping around, it's so busy, we forget to eat. 

Being friends, with my girls in high-school has been THE best experience of my childhood. And for girls like us, it is only imperative that we dream of bachelorette parties, gushing over wedding dresses, the last single-ism hugs, watching that akad, realizing that you're gonna lose part of your girlfriend to a guy, a great guy that's gonna marry and take care of her. And you realize, you can't kidnap her from her house for burgers or mamak or karoke anytime you want to anymore.

You realize, she's going to be someone's wife. And your argument is now invalid. 

You're still friends, good, close friends but lets face it.

 We're all heading our own ways sometime later in our lives.

And I wish, more than anything that I could be part of this big step in your (you guys know who you are) lives especially in this big, big, BIG moment. It's not like its happening tomorrow but you get what I mean.

Us, here, we think about 'that special someone' most of the time too. But we're okay. For now. Ha Ha.

We, will do our best, wherever we are, to pray for your happiness.. and our friendship.

To all the stupid, sweet and unforgettable memories we had, and ones we're gonna make in the future.

And this is a Rumi poetry that Najah once told me,

She said: Niat itu penting. Saidina Ali pernah cancel nak bunuh opponent dalam perang sebab opponent dia ludah kat dia. Dia takut dia bunuh sebab marah. 

Najah used a particular sentence at the end of this poetry that describes the friendship with my long high-school friends, perfectly. 

It is the one highlighted and italic at the end of this poetry.

To the ones I miss back home.

Ali in Battle-Rumi

Learn from Ali how to fight
without your ego participating.

God's Lion did nothing
that didn't originate
from his deep center.

Once in battle he got the best of a certain knight
and quickly drew his sword. The man,
helpless on the ground, spat
in Ali's face. Ali dropped his sword,
relaxed, and helped the man to his feet.

"Why have you spared me?
How has lightning contracted back
into its cloud? Speak, my prince,
so that my soul can begin to stir
in my like an embryo."

Ali was quiet and then finally answered,
"I am God's Lion, not the lion of passion.
The sun is my lord. I have no longing
except for the One.

When a wind of personal reaction comes,
I do not go along with it.

There are many winds full of anger,
and lust and greed. They move the rubbish
around, but the solid mountain of our true nature
stays where it's always been.

There's nothing now
except the divine qualities.
Come through the opening into me.

Your impudence was better than any reverence,
because in this moment I am you and you are me.

I give you this opened heart as God gives gifts:
the poison of your spit has become
the honey of friendship.

boy-friend bollocks

Bismilahirahman nirrahim. (In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

Im making a disgrace of myself for giving this title such a bad one. And I'm in an even more bad position for stealing some of my lab time to write this crap.

I've had some male friends before. To the point we became close. And when I mean close, it means like, sharing some problems together, and being vulnerable and you know.. letting your guard down. But the thing is, what I hate about these things is that... when this happens, boy-friend bollocks uh.. they sort of take advantage of you.

For example:

Situation : Man U vs Arsenal. And I have some family problem or just another hormonal thing going on, I just need ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. Annd it's kinda stupid for me because I trust this person (boy-friend bollock) to BE my friend and sort of be there for me. But its effing ManU and Arsenal and I can't expect him to be there for me can I.

But then after the game, when he gets lonely, and it's time to sleep and suddenly his roommate is calling his girlfriend and boy-friend bollock doesn't want to feel left out either, so he texts me, acts all flirty, calls me dear or some cheesy pet name to make up for the lost time.

And this does not happen once.

There are.. thousands of men out there that are just not serious and flirty and god they are annoying. And yes they are good at words too. And apparently the world just can't get enough of them. I mean on the surface they seem all nice and stuff but when you get to know them, never like, NEVER EVER let your guard down. Act cold instead. Flirty stuff is so yesterday.

I really hate it when flirt happens, and when people use them to comfort themselves when they are emotionally drained or unstable. And you know what, flirting back is just not worth it. Not even for passing time, I swear.

The brute honesty of a health science bandy-brain

Bismillah

Im now in a chinese restaurant, its 8.30pm. Im waiting for my food.

So. Hows the first 3 weeks of research? Hectic. Im one of the early/average birds to check in the lab, and i go back around 5-6ish. My supervisor is amazing. He's a Donal, he wears t shirt n jeans to work, never forgets me although he's busy. He has some phd students under him. And they are THE best. Sile, and Heather. And oh the technician, Anne. I mean, she's sent from heaven. Everybody is there to help. Macam ASK me if im okay and stuff.

And here I am, wth everybody so genius and genuinely wanting results and helping me and the environment is so.. Ugh it makes me LOVE work but at the same time, I feel like im not up to par. Dulu sv suka marah, and expect so much too, but treats me like shit. Ill say this honestly. What kind of person expects their student to fly back to the lab overnight for a discussion? I dont know.

I screw up a weeks worth of pCR. But donals like, okay i think this this this doesnt work, well have to do that this and that. Study this, well need to get this to work so that we can sell a story for your project. Ok cool. Masa kat msia dilu, im sorry, but j was critized for going back to EXERCiSE. Kena perli, compared to my aunt and superiors. I mean, seriously??

The only problem now is, i need to kick up a notch. Its amazing pressure here, i almost cracked up today. Besa. U shud be here. It would be awesome kalau dpt discuss dgn ko. Research is definitely for u.

Sam Berns

In the Name of Allah, Ar-Rahman, The Most Merciful

I was reading some of my own posts, thinking about what I thought over some time ago, pimples, PCR bands, friends, money, boys and such. And I had problems everywhere. I'm just constantly thinking about my problems. they're like.. something I can create out of thin air. That's how much my problems are.

From the moment I wake up, fighting the cold, to catch the bus, oh, no seats. Reaching the lab late, now I have to thaw my stuff, doing 5 hours of PCR, no bands, going back in the rain, alone, cook, watch some runningman and constantly watching  my phone waiting for someone to reach me, approvals on instagram and facebook.. and finally doze off to sleep.

You see, the reason I write is to get a bitter realization that my problems are actually not that big, to the extent that they are ridiculous. Most of the times after I finish writing, I read it and find my posts immature. But real.

Because I'm far from perfection.

Last night I saw a video about a 17-yr old boy named Sam Berns, he was born with progeria, a rare genetically inherited disease which causes him to age pre-maturely. In other words, he becomes old in a jiffy. But Masha Allah, what he said, what state he was, how he was with it, his words, touched me so much. It made me feel like im such an ungrateful person, so immature, so consumed with MY own problems, SO sucked up, worked up with problems that other people might even dream of having..


 To Sam Berns.

Be strong

Bismillah.

It's been awhile since I wrote to you. I'll make this short.

A family member of yours just passed away. I'm sorry to hear that..

Innalillahi wailaihi raajiuun

 (ا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ), 

"Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return"

I know you loved him. But he is a gift from Allah. Everything in our lives are. Yours and mine.
Allah akan tarik nikmat Dia bila-bila masa.

Aku tahu ayat ni cliche, but Allah lebih menyayangi dia. 

And by that, I hope you are comforted. 

And by this, I hope we become better people.

And remember that one day, kita pun akan pulang ke Rahmat Allah.

Ada disebut, berulang kali dalam Al-Quran,

bagi orang-orang yang beriman, akhirat itu satu tempat yang bahagia dan mereka adalah golongan yang wajahnya tersenyum dan bahagia untuk pulang dan bertemu dengan Allah.
Dan aku doakan arwah termasuk dalam golongan ini.
insya Allah

tapi bagi golongan yang kalah dengan duniawi,  

lupa pada Allah di dunia, when they die,

akhirat is a bad place, and they worry and are filled with regret.

Masa tu, pintu rahmat Allah tertutup.

nauzubillah.

insya Allah, aku akan doakan yang baik-baik untuk kau dan keluarga kau.

be strong okay.

Close

Bismillah

#Feefa, Najah and Najib

They spent their winter break in Jordan. And I miss them loads.

These two people, Feefa and Najah by far understands me most. Feefa has been friends with me for almost 12-13 years. Najah, on the other hand around around 10 years or so. Good friends. Really good friends.

Feefa, is the person to know me, truly see behind all my laughter and tears, understand my family ruckus deep dilemmas and such. And she knows where I came from, what I went through to become who I am today. 

They, are both.. truly people who loves Allah. And not only by words, but by their actions. They are not concerned much about facebook or instagram. Or what other people think about them. They put family first above friends and other worldly matters. 

When I am with them, I don't have to worry about salah, (even delaying salah). I don't have to worry if I am doing a bad thing or not because I know we look out for each other. But we still know how to have fun, laugh and such. We're not perfect, but it comforts me to know that all of us, are working, trying to be a better person.

And I'm not saying that my other friends are not like that. Maybe they are but not many of them know me as deeply or as long as my high school friends. And not many will remind me of what is truly, truly important in the end. 

I miss being with them. Rasa selamat, and at home. 

Tribute

Bismillah

They orang nih, are the people who I miss, but don't have the heart to tell them. Bukan sebab marah ke ape.

Sebab segan.

 #Anty and Lyechee. Anty tu memang stick with me through thick and thin. Sanggup teman aku, harung training dalam kesibukan Msc dia, tahan karenah coach, ikot aku jogging bila dia penat, dengar keluh-kesah aku, my faithful senior and friend in need. Lychee, is one of the most thoughtful, and considerate person I've ever met. Dia baik. Memang baik. Bila orang lain see me as a weak link or I don't know.. Dia tak kisah bergaul dengan siapa pun. One of the best person I know.

Alhamdulillah for both of them.

 #MunMun. Legend. I know her for like what, 4,5 months? Dia, dia, pujuk aku.. when I almost quit. In many times that I  wanted  to quit. She reminded me why I love basketball. Taught me basketball. Yes she can be hard at times. Tapi, berkali-kali aku memang kena  berterima kasih kat dia. Alhamdulillah untuk dia. 

#Lyechee & Nabila. OK. Aku bagi kasut hijau aku kat budak Nabila ni. Dia kepoh, tapi Masha Allah semangat dia kental. I mean really kental. She's the only Malay who stayed through the team, started basketball at zero, and stayed through until MASUM. She was there for me in times of need. Dia kasar, tapi hati lembut. Dia macam adik dah masa MASUM tu. Alhamdulillah untuk dia.

I don't know when I'll see them, (if I'll ever see them again) But truly, they are one of the best people I know in basketball. Playing, training with them has been; amazing. 

Alhamdulillah for them.

12.12.13

Bismillah.

#fynnjamal as background music

Again, I was let down by people. I hate it when I try to impress other people. I'm done with high school and trying to fit in. So I shut down all notifications and started reading my journals.

Then I realized I'ms till upset and being the depressed-so-I-eat kind of girl I am, cooked myself a bowl of Meggi that I saved up for emergency situations (this is definitely not one of the occasions where I'm qualified to eat Meggi). So I'm impulsive, and fickle. And at times slow. So what? I hate it when I'm slow.

Najah said something about loving someone for the sake of Allah; makes your love lasts forever. Yasmin Mogahed said by loving someone for the sake of Allah your relationship becomes better. Not neglecting them or judging them by thinking you're better than them. And finally, when you leave someone for the sake of Allah, Allah gives you someone better.

Okay Yana. WHY all this love crap? This is totally personal. I've been listening to Joe Brooks, Fynn Jamal, and I miss my dad and I just wished I had someone who could totally listen to me, understand me and not judge me when I'm slow. And all this while I'm thinking of a person who barely knows me. And it feels freakingly stupid. And I did tell Najah, that we, humans, have the nerve to think that we are better than Allah by wanting a particular person to keep or (start for that matter)... on loving or want us.

God, Allah I feel so lonely. It's been awhile since I ranted here. And I guess it's been the loneliest moment since I've been here. I know, know for sure that I should turn to Allah. I know for Sure that I have a dirty heart because I forget Him so often. I know for SURE double-whammy sure that I'm super weak because even now, at the point of writing, I'm subconsciously wanting attention. From humans.

Padahal kalau ingat kat Allah dah komfem Allah ingat kat kita.

I know tak perlu tulis sini untuk mintak kepada Allah. Sejadah ada terbentang depan mata. Aku tahu, Tuhan deprives, to give. I keep on asking for that person. Maybe Allah wants me to keep on asking. And begging. So that I am closer to Him. Masha Allah. jiwa jiwa..

Leeds and Yasmin Mogahed: Part 2

Bismillah.

I really wanted to share about the Yasmin Mogahed's talk but I'm afraid that I might have done some injustice since I'm the third person telling a story. But I wrote some notes down.. Oh well. Niat sekadar berkongsi ilmu. But whatever it is, I am positive that what she said, went straight to the heart, (I don't think my writing will touch any hearts but I wished I could). And if I do get the chance to see and hear her talk again, I would. Cuz she's that good.

How to cross the Oceans of Dunya?

1. One of the things I remembered was her metaphor that she used. Remember Titanic? The 'Unsinkable Ship'? It sunk anyway. And because it broke, and the sea filled in the ship. Something as simple as ocean water can sink such a grand ship. Right here, the ocean is dunya and we are the ship and we are just crossing the ocean to get to.. well.. hopefully Jannah. So.. the only way to cross this world, is to not fill our hearts dengan hal-hal duniawi.

2. Shaytan, will always whisper in our hearts. Things that are obvious and things which aren't. Most of the times, we don't even realize that we've been 'talked' into doing or thinking the things that we think of. Like, when I see a good man and I like him and then all of a sudden a voice at the back of my head goes like 'Oh kau tak cukup baik untuk dia. I mean, look at you and your stupid past who's EVER gonna want you' ok. sikit exaggerate but you get the point. Shaytan will want us to lose hope. Like,'aku tak cukup baik untuk pakai tudung or pergi ceramah. So why bother trying?' There are.. many times that these thoughts come to my mind. We just have to realize that these comes from shaytan.

3. Then she asked us. Simple questions. That require us to be brutally honest and personal.

• What do you think about most of the time?
• What makes you cry?
• What makes you most angry?
• What are you most afraid of?
• What are you afraid of losing?
• What do you think about in your salah?
• What is your first thought in the morning? Your last thoughts before you sleep?
• What is your greatest source of pain in life?

These are.. our Attachments. Most of us won't have a perfect list of remembering religion or Jannah or Allah for that matter. But answering these questions, made me realize, made me let go of the things that I've been constantly thinking of the past few days..

#some part of the class

4. Our hearts are our lenses to the world. If you have a good heart, you will see the world as a good place. At first I thought of this macam naive.. but then, she said, the fiqh; understanding of the mind, comes from the heart. For example, we see things that are.. bad as good. Macam, beer. Or getting drunk. Maybe we see it as something cool. I don't know.. sometimes I like to joke around. But in a long term.. wallahualam. Kalau tak jaga hati, nauzubillah, mungkin I'll be seeing those things as something good? Mintak simpang la..

5. A lot of times, we try to ask for the ability to love Allah. You know how it is when you fall in love with a person, you can't stop thinking about them. Always hoping that they're thinking about you. Always wanting to get their approval. Always missing them. And you know that we're supposed to feel that way about Allah. Terlalu mencintai Allah. But sometimes, truthfully, it is hard. It is for me sebab aku pelupa dan aku lemah sangat. Well, one of the reasons which I learnt was because, hati tak bersih. Cinta Allah only enters a clean heart. So always do zikr. And mintak la kat Tuhan, berkali-kali and never ever give up, untuk hati yang bersih. 

6. Zuhud. Detachment. I remember. The year, 2011. One of the worst years of my life, and I never sunk so low. And Yasmin asked us, "Do you remember when was your closest moment with Allah?" She smiled. Because I think she knows that most of us had the same answer. It was the times when we had to let go of something, and for me, it was the time that I begged and prayed so hard so that I find the strength to be strong and let go. It was.. as people say, difficulty is a blessing in disguise 

7. Marriage is a mean of getting closer to Allah. It's not a freaking goal. Yes I'm 24 and single and I'm getting worried and everything. But she reminded me, to stay focus. For our only goal is untuk mencari keredhaan Allah. To be close to Him. And to worship Him. Marriage is only one of the ways.. Like wise for mothers and wives. We're not incomplete if we're not married. Or become a mother. What happens then if we get divorced? Or we can't have kids? Doesn't erase our purpose on earth. Society yang bagi stigma to women that we're supposed to get married and have kids and raise children that are future doctors or engineers. When really.. kalau dengan perkahwinan itu menjauhkan kita dari Allah, would we still want it?

8. Some last notes.. Before the session ends, she taught us to do a few things after we leave. Since, ilmu di dada is only as good as how much we use them in our lives. Dia tak suruh bangun buat Qiam tiap malam pun. Benda-benda simple jek. Macam;

• Making a commitment to our prayers. Solat 5 waktu. It IS after all, why we were created anyway. Yes iman itu naik dan turun.. But, try and make effort to never miss salah. 
• Perfecting our salah. Khusyuk bila menghadap Allah.
• Not praying in a hurry.
• To try praying on time.
• Doing small but consistent deeds. Macam zikr ke, solat sunat ke. Takyah ubah drastik sangat.
• Always istighfar sebab istighfar tu membersihkan hati.
• And doing salah for salah protects us from bad deeds.

I worry, that some people might think of me as being poyo. Or bajet. Or blablabla. But that's another thing she taught me. We worry too much about what other people think. When we should be more concerned with what Allah thinks about us. 

Seyes ah. Talk Yasmin Mogahed best. May Allah bless her. And may this writing benefit those who reads it. :)

USM. Final years

Bismillah.

Ini mimpi. Also known as memory.

Bukak mata. Langsir merah. Lynn/ 'suami' aku tengah buat shake. Bunyi deruman ais campoq Herbalife mengejutkan aku. Laptop dia ada tengah pasang lagu Hafiz Hamidun. Laa ila ha illallah.

"Yana! sorry aku kejutkan kau! aku dah lambat ni clinic aku pukul 8.30! ahh kena cepat-cepat"

Aku dalam keadaan separuh sedar, tengok je 'suami' aku bersiap. Gosok gigi, cuci muka, bukak facebook. Tengok post-post Yew Seng dengan foto-foto mornings dia. 

Amek kotak milo, bukak logbook, start menulis semula dari pdf sumbangan kelas. Bau masakan cafe murni membangkitkan nafsu lapar. 

Keluar bilik, masuk bilik Farah & Hajar.

Farah dah bangun. Tengah study. Semalam beliau tidur awal. Sebab Farah ni pantang kenyang. Tapi okay la dia bangun awal balik untuk study.

Phone bunyi. Lugey memekik dihujung talian. 

"Woi hobit! bangunla! Nasi lemak kopi o jom!"

Aku call Samah.

"Mah, jom teman aku makan dgn luq. Dia nak belanja"

Bertiga makan nasi lemak. Bertemankan Stomach Light. Luq dengan bisnes dia. Ina. Samah dengan study group dia. Gedik dia. Aku membebel entah apa-apa. Selalunye gelagat basketball. Masalah unit sukan. Masalah negara. 

Tengah hari. Masuk bilik farah & hajar. 

"Nasi kampung jom!"

Jalan ke Nasi Kampung aku ingat dengan jelas. Jalan yang sempit, kena lalu pintu gerbang UMNO dalam bumi Kelantan, lalu kubur, belah kiri ada Kuda yang diikat pada pohon bambu.pokok cempedak yang sentiasa meriah dengan buah, budak-budak hero yang main basikal tak ingat dunia. Pakcik-pakcik melepak. Rumah kampung. Ayam tak payah cerita la. Makcik tu, aku menyesal tak pernah tahu nama dia. Tapi dia kenal aku.  

"lamo xnampok nih. sibuk ko?"

*Aku malas nak malukan kecek aku yang tak seberapa ni* Nasi 4 bungkus. Ezat, Farah, Hajar dan aku. 12 riya. Kadang-kadang Hajar cuba kecek. Slalunye kena gelak dengan aku dan Farah. Tapi aku lebih kurang je. Tapi benda tu, buat aku senyum sampai sekarang.

Running Man + Nasi Kampung. Our laughter fills the whole corridor, making us full., physically and emotionally. Hidup macam tak lengkap kalau seminggu miss Running Man kat bilik Farah & Hajar.

Zohor. Kerja. Asar.

Petang yang cerah, cantik. 'Suami' pulang, penat dan penuh dengan celoteh medic, yang aku rindu sangat nak dengar sekarang ni. Bilik pulak panas sebab menghadap matahari. Asap hasil masakan nasi kampung, tomyam, mihun dsb, masuk bilik. Sarung knee guard, stokin, kasut Nike yang koyak-koyak, sumbat mp3, dan Lari.

Jumpa anty kat court lama. Dia pun sedang berlari. Siapa sangka, satu hari nanti aku main dengan anty untuk USM? Satu-satunya senior aku yang genius dan balling at the same time.

Samah datang. Moto-moto yang aku kenal satu-satu park luar court. Moto putih moto cikgu, moto merah moto pokmi. Kereta biru kereta AK. Meriah. Kalau ada Satria Neo hitam, mengharap la Fieq ada. Sebab penghuni dia penambat hati fieq. 

3 on 3. 4 on 4. Fieq datang. Maknanya memang aku dengan Anty kena step up game masing-masing. Tapi, bagi aku, kalau team dengan Fieq best sebab dia highway aku. Assist, underboard. Screen. Aku suka buat dengan dia. Tapi kalau lawan dia, boleh buat down. Tapi tu semua buat aku senyum sampai sekarang. Peluh balling.. lain dengan peluh jogging. Rasa puas. Rasa hidup.

Maghrib. Mandi. Siap.

Soalan paling susah dalam dunia.

"Makan mane malam ni?"

Diam semua. Last-last makan 2 musim. JUGAK. Masa tu budak-budak ni tahu la kenapa. Masing-masing (Aku dengan Fieq je) yang ada target nak jumpa siapa kat 2 musim tu. Tapi makanan dia sedap, murah, cepat. sebelah masjid istana, boleh nampak jemaah isyak yang ramai, setiap hari. Tua, muda, lelaki dan perempuan. Fieq, Samah, Anty, Hajar. Teman setia aku, macam TV1. Ke TV2 aku tak ingat.

And, the best way to end the night, ice cream mcd wakaf che yeh. Which we allow ourselves to indulge every now and then, bila ada hati yang tisu, terluka, or kerja berlambak or sedih dan blablabla. Soundtrack, lagu melayu sedih-sedih kapak-kapak gitu. Masing-masing nyanyi taknak kalah. Masa ni, masa ni.. akan sentiasa buat aku senyum. Ice cream session selalunya ada mix. Farah. Hajar. Fieq. Samah. Anty. Ice cream McD tu seringgit. Tapi value dia sekarang, priceless.

Balik USM. Buat kerja. Isyak. Dan tidur. Esok, ulang hari yang sama. Harapan yang sama, dengan orang yang sama. Mungkin, masa ni aku dah terbayang hidup di negara lain. Tapi adat manusia kurang bersyukur atau always want things they dont have. But for this part of my life, I will always be thankful for.

Najah 1

Bismillah.

Its kinda biased and funny that I put a 'Najah 1' for the title but it's only befitting because she gives first-class advice and aku suka quote dia. Im now in her room, she's praying Maghrib and a wave of realization hits me; I might not have this chance of having a sleepover this long and this girly ever again.

What I wanted to write about, (before I forget) was about our conversation last night. I was on her bed, with my 'A Darkening of the Heart' Scottish book, and she was doing preps on her mock up exams tomorrow. And I asked her,

"Najah, did anybody ever tell you out of the blue, that you're beautiful?"

"Apebende soalan kau tanya ni?"

"It's just a question". Cheeky smile.

Najah, began to do this super gedik spins on her chair, put up a wistful smile and told me,

"there's this one time, in a hospital, I introduced myself to a patient, the patient tu look at her best friend (anak or something aku lupa) and she told me you're pretty. And aku dumbfounded but it made me so happy"

And she told me some other important things as well. Some of the things I remembered was.. *I'm sorry if this seems like injustice to your original words but I'll try remembering it properly, to the last detail*

"Beauty tu.. when you think of it, it is kind of unfair that some people lahir dah cantik, some people lahir rupa lain-lain. But bila aku fikir balik, I'm thankful that I'm not THAT pretty sebab, nanti aku tak tahu sejauh mana orang ikhlas dengan aku.

Orang layan aku baik sebab rupa ke sebab personality aku.

Cantik rupa orang boleh pertikaikan. Tapi Yana, cantk hati, tak ada orang boleh pertikaikan. It's something you have to build, put up a constant fight with. Bukan senang nak cantikkan hati. Sebab tu aku post yang 'Be so beautiful that hearts can't take their eyes of you'.

Aku rasa especially orang melayu, dengan sopan dia, senang nak amek hati orang lain. Senang je nak buat orang suka kat kau. Kau polite je. Nanti orang lain pun polite kat kau.

Tapi Yana, sometimes, in life, kau buat baik kat orang, tak semestinya orang buat baik kat kau. So then, whatever will you do? Mesti bengang kan. So, kau setkan hati kau, buat baik sebab Allah. Then in a way, kau buat baik kat orang bukan sebab orang tu. Sebab Allah. Kalau orang tu layan kau tak bagus pun takpe sebab, kau tau niat asal kau sebab Allah.

But it is not easy and whenever kau rasa nak buat baik, kau takut riak ke ape, just put that thought away and just do it. Lama-lama insya Allah Allah padamkan rasa riak tu. "

Okay kalau Najah baca ni memang dah bias dah conversation ni because bab riak tu was something we talked about earlier on the train. Sorry Jah haha.

Najah smiled, her half closed sleepy eyes.

"Allah tu fair. Dia tak pandang pun rupa yang cantik. Dia pandang hati yang cantik. That comforts me so much. Aku tak payah risau2 rupa aku sebab Allah tak pandang pun."

We went quiet for awhile. Both of us in our private thoughts. Me and my realizations,the things she thought me, and Najah, smiling, looking up, *reminiscing maybe* and faced her laptop and continued her work. Just like that. I picked up my book, and continued my reading and smiled.

So this is just ONE advice from her. There might be more to come. She's my Malaysian Yasmin Mogahed so bear with me.

Study Week

Bismillah.

When I wrote this. I just realized, this could be very well may be, the last exam I could ever sit for. Lepas ni memang buat researches, projects, Vivas and poster presentations. But it's Thursday, almost a week since I've been screwing my brain sumbat-sumbat-sumbat sampai lewat malam and on the 4th day of sumbat exercises, aku penat.

I'm sleepy, my eyes are scrawny and filled with eyebags, and my tudung is sloppy *although I do think I look pretty today* but at the 5th or 6th hour in the library, yang rupa sikit macam dungeon canggih *andersonian library* I DONT CARE anymore. I might as well be the sloppiest, most selebet, unattractive looking student on the planet.

Topics covered? Plasmodium.. well, now I'm reading on plasmodium, while this guy behind me has been literally stomping on his keyboards all day. Dah la Plasmodium ni tak difahami. I'm like looking at this parasite, which looks like a tear, and I'm like.

what the heck plasmodium. falciparum ke malaria ke. what. the. heck? I mean, kenapa kau complicate sangat? like, why, on earth do you have surface proteins that spells like 3 long words, and your abbreviations.. hhaha subhanallah! Why are you so complicated? Cant you just infect humans in a simple way. Macam HIV ke. Serabut aku tengok protein content kau, dengan organelle kau, dengan susunan gene kau. Bleurgh.

 so, my conversation with Plasmodium. Everytime aku tengok nota ni, dahla tak tersusun. Dah nampak macam belacan dah. I've been studying on this for 2,3 hours by now.

I know I shouldn't complain. I should be happy. I am really. This was my first choice anyway. I expected this and here I am in Glasgow studying in a dungeon where I see morning light everyday for 1 hour max. ok bunyi sarcastic but I'm really glad I'm here. 

 I wrote this, firstly, because I was sleepy. And I'm fasting insha Allah. Hence, the coffee constraint.
Secondly, I miss Elly. I read her blog. And I miss her. Ellyyy, oh Elllyy. Kalu mu bace blog ni, mu senyum molek la deh. Karat dah kecekan aku.

So, yeah study week. So far so good. Well spent. To those who have read this, doakan semua dipermudahkan please? Thanks :)

Hajar.

assalam.

before ni aku ada personal blog yang teramatlah personal where I wrote about my ex-es, how they cheated on me, ape diorang nyanyi kat aku, what I felt when I had cold, or when my mom didn' let me do stuff like watch movies or blablabla. It was very personal but I loved it anyway because I shared it with only very close friends of mine.

But that was like 22 years ago, masih dalam zaman jahiliyyah. pemarah, emosi dan kurang sifat penyabar. bukan nak kata sekarang aku ni dah perfect. tapi, mungkin lebih baik dari yang dulu? wallahualam.

Aku janji dengan Hajar nak cerita skit pasal life aku kat sini. Don't want to make this a little too personal but ill try to relate with whats on my head for quite awhile now.

[I only have 5 minutes of writing]

So, Hajar. kau Tanya aku macam mana sekarang? Aku makin penyabar Alhamdulillah. Sini hujan almost everyday, kalau Nampak langit biru raasa gatal nak keluar sebab itu sangt jarang berlaku kat Glasgow. And um.. about what u said your stories masa aku dalam library ni.. aku terfikir. malasia ni sangat berbahaya.

Kenapa?

Sebab kat sini, aku bertudung, orang ajak aku pergi pub, aku nak pergi, nak merasa tp tudung tu menjaga aku. Dan orang mabuk2 kat sini pun mungkin hilang pertimbangan tapi mungkin ada sikit rasa segan nak kacau perempuan bertudung. Kat Malaysia, kita sendiri tau, janji kau ada label awek, kau komfem kena kacau .


Sini, orang kebanyakannya baik. Aku turun bas, cakap thank you kat bas driver sebab itu culture semua orang kat sini. Kat sini aku nyanyi lagu Hindustan kat pakcik bawah rumah aku. Dia jual nasi india macam tu tp sedap dan murah. aku akan cakap kat dia. 'me tikku'-'aku baik'. Dan dia cakap orang Malaysia baik2. wow. we must have some image to live up with.

Hajar, si gadis muar, bahasa tunggang tebalik dan rakan PPKT ku.

Dunia ni orang macam ragam. Aku belajar satu benda kat sini, buat baik kat orang biar ikhlas. Kena berani hidup, kena selalu, selalu ingat Allah. insya Allah Allah akan jaga kita. Wlau ke mana kt pergi pon. KL ke, Glasgow ke. mana2 la. janji  niat ikhlas. heh. All the best ye. jangan nangis2 aku takde k KL tu. haha.

Miss u. & fara si tua :)