Hidayah A. Azmi

Bismillah. I am sorry.

Dear Besa,

I would imagine that I'm writing a handwritten letter to you but it takes so long to get to you and I think if I were to do that I'd probably won't write this (hich is a good thing and you'll know why).

Again, I promise you, brutal honesty in words and in content.

You are my bitchy friend. And that is both a good and a bad thing. Good in a sense, that I am not an angel or one of those girls who wears perfectly long clothes like we are supposed to wear, and polite ans a feather, soft as the breeze. I still swear, I swear a lot, I fall in love easily and hard and I hate my heart. And I am thankful, forever thankful and Alhamdulillah for a friend like you although you're now busy with work, your bf, masters and so many other Malaysian things. Which I understand completely.

For now, I'm immersing myself with work just so I don't get sad. Because, I think I'm falling for someone again.

God I hate my heart.

I swear so many times that I've prayed that Allah would just take it away or just kill my love for the world and everything in it.

And this person I'm falling for, I swear this will be the ONLY time I'm writing about it.

We used to be great friends. Like, I've never met a guy that caring or genuine or original in my entire life. And we have so much in common. And we share our music. Our money, and our secrets. And it seems sometimes, I could go the distance. Forget some people and focus on my life here. Everything seemed alright and so.. carefree with him around. Like I have my second best friend.

But I came back from London one day, and everything changed. He just sort of, distanced himself away from me. I tried harder, to be cool or whatever it was I was like before I went to London, and I felt like I'm not being myself. So, I hated it, and stopped trying.

And I distanced myself. And prayed. And prayed hard.

By now, I'm still sad because this time, I feel like I'm losing a friend, rather than just erasing a stupid crush I once had. And you, Besa, yes you; are hundreds of miles away and I used to bitch about things to you everytime something crappy comes up and honestly, you don't really give me the best advice but you, accept me when I swear and curse.

And I need that, because I'm just that.

It's sort of bad that I need you to hear me curse but a part of me feels better after cursing to you, like you really know what I feel like saying but I think I've been patient for so long, I know what I should have done is pray, and said astaghfirullah, and start posting something really religious like I always do.

I mean, I believe in what I post but now, this.. Is just on the brim of my patience and I think I'm about to break up.

I absolutely hate it when I have guy problems. I feel sick, stupid and really flaky. And God, I swear, I have a good and intelligent brain and I'm not gonna let some stupid guy problem turn me into a hopeless romantic. But I swear it's just fucking hard sometimes. Being strong all the time.

I did ask you to read this. Thank you for your time. And if you want to be as equally sweet as I am, write something up. I don't care if it sounds stupid but I want you to know it will make me feel a whole lot better.

Million-miles-away, genuine and busy, secretly wishing and forever believing in the power of prayers,

Liyana Azmi

Nightmares

In the name of Allah, The Protector, The Most Powerful and The Greatest.

I've been having nightmares for a week now. Its all about people trying to kill people. One of it involves a Chinese man trying to break in my old house and kill everyone in it using a lawnmower. I escaped, barely.

Another one involves a haunted house, where someone just kills everyone, stabbing madly and hiding their bodies and in the end, the house is actually a graveyard.

Another one involves Rihana flying on a magic carpet trying to kill the customers in a retail outlet.

This is tiring.

I always do dhikr at night before I sleep. I even prayed that Allah prevents me from dreaming. Now I'm just afraid to sleep. I take wudhu, I try to think of happy thoughts, but I don't know. Now I'm just tired. I have tons to do at the lab, I want to sleep but I'm scared.

Last night, our neighbor banged on our neighbor's door and there was some small commotion. The night before, he banged on our house's door at 12.40 am, for 10 minutes or so. He tried to enter our house. But it was locked. I was too afraid but annoyed at the same time so as I got up to answer the door, turns our Fairuz already did and gave him a piece of her mind. He was looking for an Asif person. Yesterday there was also a stabbing in our neighborhood area. And someone just shouted at an old man in the bus he wished the old man would just die because he was taking his space to sit.

Things are not very nice at the moment and I don't know what to do.