tudung

bismillah

hijab, shawl, tudung bawal semua lah. semua tu overated. Ni belum masuk isu geng tudung labuh or geng free hair dsb.

Dulu masa aku kat skolah asrama, smua orang kena pakai tudung la. Its the rule. Bila keluar sekolah, baru aku tau sape member aku yang snanye pakai tudung or tak pakai tudung. At first it mattered to me. I mean, genuinely, they are my good friends, heck, we've been friends through bad and good times and I honestly just want good things for them.

Logik akal, Tuhan suruh tutup aurat so that kita jauh dari fitnah, tak mengundang pandangan liar lelaki, jin dan syaitan. Its simple pimple.

So, masa aku keluar sekolah ada kawan yang aku care, yang aku rasa boleh terima nasihat aku tegur. We got into an argument but eventually, we grew ahead of our problems and our friendship persevered.

Kawan-kawan rapat aku macam-macam rupa. Ada yang seksi baq ang, ada yang perangai kasar macam lelaki, ada yang ketua badar, ketua naqibah, ketua usrah. But the best thing about them is we all know that we want good things for each other and that we're working our way through our lives to get there.

So what is this crap about orang tudung labuh kena kawan dengan tudung labuh je? Yang free hair kekal free hair. What's up with istilah 'free hair' anyway? We don't even know where that 'free haired' person might be when she is 30 or 40. She might be in a better state than we are now. I know that for sure sebab ada seorang kawan baik aku, dulu dia tak pakai tudung. Keluarga pun tak menekankan sangat. Tapi perjalanan hidup dia yang banyak jugak liku bagai menjadikan dia seseorang yang lebih baik dari aku, today. And I start wearing hijab when I was in primary school.

Boh boh la judge people by their appearance. To both men and women. Yang perempuan asal nampak perempuan lain seksi nak condemn je. Yang laki kalau nampak perempuan seksi nak objectify perempuan tu macam dia tak ada hati & perasaan. What's up with that, seriously. Grow up.

checkpoint

bismillah. (dari Yana ke Yana)

Salam.

Hi Yana. How're u doing? Great? No? Tengah buat report kan? Amacam? Susah? Ala relax sudey..
Aku dulu pernah buat thesis satu malam kot. OK la xde la sampai satu malam. Tapi kau ingat tak malam tu, kauminum kopi tongkat ali kot. ke Kopi O? (Which I know you don't drink unless you really need to) pastu kau tak tido 2 hari macam tu straight sebab Dr. Aziah punye pasal.

Standet la wei. Life student. Tapi kau ingatkan? masa tu kau nangis bagai, kau ingat kau tak mampu, tapi Allah mampukan kau. Sampai la siap thesis tu.

Report ni lain? Mat Saleh? Ala. smua tu ciptaan Allah jugak. Kau ingat Dr Aziah dgn Dr Donal tu lain sangat ke standet diorang? Sama je. Semua bawah kuasa Allah. Ko rilek sudey.

huh.. aku? aku ddk je dalam diri kau ni. tengokkan keje gile kau buat smua2 tu. Elok2 cte2 kat orang, jangan mengadu lebih2 sangat. Kadang2 orang ni cepat sangat berubah. Hah kau tengok la kawan2 kau yg konon kau sayang sagat awal2 tu. Boleh pakai ke sekarang?

Sorry la aku bukan la nak negatif ke ape tapi.. kau self sufficient kot. Macam Besa cakap. Dia pecayekan kau. Najah, Feefa semua tu. Orang lain got it harder. Maybe. You don't know for sure because they didn't put their struggles on facebook and instagram. Kau pun jangan nk buat malu aku okay. Keep your struggles to yourself. Aku ade. Allah ade.

Aku snanye nak cakap kat kau, kau boleh. Report ni takde hal la. small matter je. Kau intelligent kot. Allah dah tarik kecantikan muka licin kau masa muda dulu, exchange dgn otak yang genius. Aku lebih suka macam tu. Dari kau guna gedik2 kau untuk flaky2 kosong. Guna otak kau tu. Kau pun tau kau pandai. Jangan nak gebang cakap takut isi salah la writing grammar tak betul la. Internet ada, kawan2 kat lab ada nak check. Use your resources as much as possible.

Report dh settle, hal holiday pulak.. Sekarang ni kau jangan pening pale sangat. Stay loyal to those who have treated you good and you KNOW WILL treat you good. Jangan bias. Jangan terikut sangat 'geng cool' tu. Konon cool2 tapi tak jaga kau pun. Last2 kau lari kat siapa? Allah jugak kan. Duduk dgn orang yang kau rasa ingat Allah lebih. Yang boleh jaga diri dorg, yang boleh jaga kau. Ok. sekarang aku pun dh konpius nk holiday dengan sape. tapi tu belakang cte. Allah lebih Mengetahui.

OK la. Aku jarang bagi kata2 encouragement ni. Tapi, kau macam dah panda sangat ni. Kemon Yana. Kau kuat, Memang penat kuat sorang-sorang. But be patient. Mcm AXL Rose ckp. Patience. Keep your eyes on the prize, remember life is not here. Belah sana tu. Akhirat. *tepuk belakang, peluk*

You can do it.

Hidayah A. Azmi

Bismillah. I am sorry.

Dear Besa,

I would imagine that I'm writing a handwritten letter to you but it takes so long to get to you and I think if I were to do that I'd probably won't write this (hich is a good thing and you'll know why).

Again, I promise you, brutal honesty in words and in content.

You are my bitchy friend. And that is both a good and a bad thing. Good in a sense, that I am not an angel or one of those girls who wears perfectly long clothes like we are supposed to wear, and polite ans a feather, soft as the breeze. I still swear, I swear a lot, I fall in love easily and hard and I hate my heart. And I am thankful, forever thankful and Alhamdulillah for a friend like you although you're now busy with work, your bf, masters and so many other Malaysian things. Which I understand completely.

For now, I'm immersing myself with work just so I don't get sad. Because, I think I'm falling for someone again.

God I hate my heart.

I swear so many times that I've prayed that Allah would just take it away or just kill my love for the world and everything in it.

And this person I'm falling for, I swear this will be the ONLY time I'm writing about it.

We used to be great friends. Like, I've never met a guy that caring or genuine or original in my entire life. And we have so much in common. And we share our music. Our money, and our secrets. And it seems sometimes, I could go the distance. Forget some people and focus on my life here. Everything seemed alright and so.. carefree with him around. Like I have my second best friend.

But I came back from London one day, and everything changed. He just sort of, distanced himself away from me. I tried harder, to be cool or whatever it was I was like before I went to London, and I felt like I'm not being myself. So, I hated it, and stopped trying.

And I distanced myself. And prayed. And prayed hard.

By now, I'm still sad because this time, I feel like I'm losing a friend, rather than just erasing a stupid crush I once had. And you, Besa, yes you; are hundreds of miles away and I used to bitch about things to you everytime something crappy comes up and honestly, you don't really give me the best advice but you, accept me when I swear and curse.

And I need that, because I'm just that.

It's sort of bad that I need you to hear me curse but a part of me feels better after cursing to you, like you really know what I feel like saying but I think I've been patient for so long, I know what I should have done is pray, and said astaghfirullah, and start posting something really religious like I always do.

I mean, I believe in what I post but now, this.. Is just on the brim of my patience and I think I'm about to break up.

I absolutely hate it when I have guy problems. I feel sick, stupid and really flaky. And God, I swear, I have a good and intelligent brain and I'm not gonna let some stupid guy problem turn me into a hopeless romantic. But I swear it's just fucking hard sometimes. Being strong all the time.

I did ask you to read this. Thank you for your time. And if you want to be as equally sweet as I am, write something up. I don't care if it sounds stupid but I want you to know it will make me feel a whole lot better.

Million-miles-away, genuine and busy, secretly wishing and forever believing in the power of prayers,

Liyana Azmi

THE day. I've been waiting for

In the name of Allah, The Greatest, All-Knowing, The Reliever, The Generous and The Most Merciful.

I've been waiting for today. For quite a long time. There are some many words that i need to put into detail but I'd just skip the descriptions and what not, and go straight to the point.

1. I got my bands from the gradient PCR. It sounds so insignificant, but I swear it is important to me. Because that means now, I can move on with my project and that I'm one step closer to getting results and start my writing. That ALSO means that, THERE IS NOTHING wrong with my lab skills. That ALSO means, that it wasn't my fault I didn't get results before. Someone misplaced my samples and forgot to tell me they did. I was too happy to get annoyed anyway. I literally teared up at the desktop. And sort of start 'Yeeeesssss!!!' and the technician looked at me in a weird way, and I did a little jump across the lab corridor, squealed in my supervisor's room, Donal was like 'you're noisy, get out' shocked face but he thought it was funny. But I got it anyway. It was clear, nice bands.
   
2. It snowed. Like, HALE snow. And I thought I wasn't excited but on the brink of the event, a lecturer stood beside me, and said. Oh my, it's snowing. Everyone was literally stamping their faces on the lab window. The Spaniard group in front of me were ecstatic. I dropped my stuff, pipettes and all, ran into the office, grabbed my phone and was like 'OMG its snowing! I'm gonna call my mom!' I ran, and Anne followed after me, (she thinks I'm hilarious, never seeing snow) and called after me "Don't forget to get Shira with yeh!!" And I'm like 'Yeah! Yeah!' I stood outside, and it was this soft white slush on the grounds, And suddenly.. BAM! I got hit by a snowball. Maria and her lab mates were already there. They were laughing and gushing. We snapped some good pictures, and for quite awhile, we didn't chat about our projects, we talked about how soft snow was, how our home didn't have snow, and how we forgot how cold it was then. At this point, Anne, told me,  "You got yer bands today, and it snowed on the same day. This day has been perfect so far". I got scared because I didn't want to be TOO happy. But I was thankful nonetheless. And I thought.. if only he  would text me..
3. The trick was, He did. In the morning. And when I came home, we chatted for awhile. I wasn't as hyped or as crazy as I was about him like last year. But, it just made my day better. And when I thought it couldn't get any better..
4. I was in the bus, on my way home, making playlists of what songs I want to play on the piano, with my dad and my siblings when I get back home. And then, I came across a song, Aizat gave to me. And I'm like, oh. No one would play this for me but him. And I started to think that maybe I should text him to play this again for me. (its one of my stupid random thoughts. I never did anything THAT stupid again now. Alhamdulillah) but anyway, I tried recalling his number.. BUT I CAN'T. I don't remember. it was 0193612433 or 2433? I'm not sure. I really don't remember, I'm not sure, it's vague and a WAVE of happiness surged upon me. I. Forgot. His. Number. I'm finally moving on, and now, I'm at peace with myself.
5. I rewarded myself with another round of movie. This time, 'Unbeatable' and the soundtrack theme, 'The Sound of Silence' keeps playing on and on. This feels nice. 

I know it's not fair to only remind myself of Allah at times of extreme happiness and sadness. I know I do that. I'm not perfect, I'm eons, miles away from it. But Allah has a way of pulling me closer back to Him. Subhanallah. I almost gave up, felt like giving up so many times. But He is always there. And He promised. 

" If my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

Unforgettable Rumi Poetry

Bismillah.

These are just some poems from 'Rumi-Selected Poems' by Penguin Classics that I find interesting and that I can relate to. There are also some which I find, disturbing to my mind. And that I can't comprehend to. But it was interesting anyway and gave me new insights. Just didn't want to forget them. And if you happen to read this, you might want to try reading some of the poems I've listed out. The last few are easier to relate, and personally one that I find best is 'Ali in Battle'

1. Sexual urgency, what a woman's laughter can do, and the nature of true virility.
2. Muhammad (SAW) and the huge eater.
3. The dream that must be interpreted
4. Zikr
5. Childhood friends
6. The mouse and the camel
7. Body intelligence
8. Nasuh
9. Moses and the shepherd (Good one.)
10. Joy at sudden disappointment
11. Two kinds of intelligence
12. The importance of gourdcrafting (if someone could explain this to me, that'd be great)
13. The Far mosque
14. On gambling
15. The three fish
16. There's nothing ahead
17. In Baghdad, dreaming of Cairo,in Cairo, dreaming of Baghdad
18. Sheikh Kharraqani and his wretched wife
19. The snake catcher and the frozen snake
20. Ali in Battle
21. The king, the handmaiden and the doctor
22. Green Ears (also a good one)
23. On being woven
24. A basket of fresh bread

04/02.2014

I haven't finished the book yet but I'm almost at the end. Since I came back from Istanbul, I can understand Rumi and appreciate his poems better. I think (since I'm marking more of his poems in the end of the book)

Anybody who reads Rumi and knows any good poems from him please share? And if you find any of this poems that you can relate to and explain more, please do. Thanks :)

boy-friend bollocks

Bismilahirahman nirrahim. (In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful)

Im making a disgrace of myself for giving this title such a bad one. And I'm in an even more bad position for stealing some of my lab time to write this crap.

I've had some male friends before. To the point we became close. And when I mean close, it means like, sharing some problems together, and being vulnerable and you know.. letting your guard down. But the thing is, what I hate about these things is that... when this happens, boy-friend bollocks uh.. they sort of take advantage of you.

For example:

Situation : Man U vs Arsenal. And I have some family problem or just another hormonal thing going on, I just need ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. Annd it's kinda stupid for me because I trust this person (boy-friend bollock) to BE my friend and sort of be there for me. But its effing ManU and Arsenal and I can't expect him to be there for me can I.

But then after the game, when he gets lonely, and it's time to sleep and suddenly his roommate is calling his girlfriend and boy-friend bollock doesn't want to feel left out either, so he texts me, acts all flirty, calls me dear or some cheesy pet name to make up for the lost time.

And this does not happen once.

There are.. thousands of men out there that are just not serious and flirty and god they are annoying. And yes they are good at words too. And apparently the world just can't get enough of them. I mean on the surface they seem all nice and stuff but when you get to know them, never like, NEVER EVER let your guard down. Act cold instead. Flirty stuff is so yesterday.

I really hate it when flirt happens, and when people use them to comfort themselves when they are emotionally drained or unstable. And you know what, flirting back is just not worth it. Not even for passing time, I swear.

Sam Berns

In the Name of Allah, Ar-Rahman, The Most Merciful

I was reading some of my own posts, thinking about what I thought over some time ago, pimples, PCR bands, friends, money, boys and such. And I had problems everywhere. I'm just constantly thinking about my problems. they're like.. something I can create out of thin air. That's how much my problems are.

From the moment I wake up, fighting the cold, to catch the bus, oh, no seats. Reaching the lab late, now I have to thaw my stuff, doing 5 hours of PCR, no bands, going back in the rain, alone, cook, watch some runningman and constantly watching  my phone waiting for someone to reach me, approvals on instagram and facebook.. and finally doze off to sleep.

You see, the reason I write is to get a bitter realization that my problems are actually not that big, to the extent that they are ridiculous. Most of the times after I finish writing, I read it and find my posts immature. But real.

Because I'm far from perfection.

Last night I saw a video about a 17-yr old boy named Sam Berns, he was born with progeria, a rare genetically inherited disease which causes him to age pre-maturely. In other words, he becomes old in a jiffy. But Masha Allah, what he said, what state he was, how he was with it, his words, touched me so much. It made me feel like im such an ungrateful person, so immature, so consumed with MY own problems, SO sucked up, worked up with problems that other people might even dream of having..


 To Sam Berns.

Tell me how

With the mercy of Allah,

I want to talk to you, know you, but I don't know how

Yana gone mushy level muntah rainbow

Bismillah

#dalam 3-4 minit, cinta high class by ustazah fatimah

#2 minit, by prof. muhaya

Ye aku segan nak mengaku, dulu aku punya skeptikal kat orang-orang yang dok post video-video macam ni. La ni, aku yang buat.

Dah nama start dari bawah, dulu banyak mengarut lagi dari ingat Allah.

Sekarang? wallahualam, ikhlas takat mana hati aku pon Allah yang lebih Mengetahui.

Aku jugak segan nak mengaku, aku mencari jugak.

Umoq nak cecah 25 dah. 

Uci dah risau, tapi mak aku tetap the coolest.

Katanya, trust in Allah, jodoh itu Dia akan sampaikan pada masa yang betul.

Ada la, orang dok ejas aku.

Tapi wallahualam, Allah dah tautkan hati aku kat seseorang yang tak kenal aku sangat pun.

Bila aku tengok video ni, rasa tenang sikit.

Adala rasa kurang cool post benda-benda macam ni.

Tapi fikir balik, aku bukan budak.

Mati tu bila-bila masa.

Elok la post benda berfaedah.

Apa la sangat pandangan orang.

Bukan depa yang jamin aku akhirat selamat ke, bagi makan kat aku ke.

Full Moon

Bismillah.

First time blogging via phone.

Strictly a feminist post, this time around, I wonder for the millionth time why some women have to habdle hormone imbalances during periods. And that moody emotional rage, the tears, the overthinking, the sugar craving, the bloody pain (literally). Yes, I know I'm complaining, I should stop. But the funny thing is, I know its the hormones, and Im using it to act irrationally. And I say like, oh its the hormones thats why Im like this and emotional and crazy and crying and whatever! To the point, I don't really know how to keep myself in check everytime this happens! Its almost like, I'll DEFINITELY lose it ONCE a month.

This month's emotional drama.

Whats the point of studying all this? Yes Im passionate about education, and the kids and changing the system and teaching what's REALLY important. I should just become a kindergarden teacher. Sometimes (OK many times) I wished life was simpler, and I could just write books for kids, and teach young people, jual goreng pisang. But yes, manusia tak pernah bersyukur.

Second rant, I totally HATE it when someone says I'm not family oriented or put it bluntly, I prioritize my friends over family. Especially when that person saying don't even know the half of me. First of all, I don't like to make a LIST of the sacrifices I make for family but If I did, then MAYBE people wouldnt take me for granted as much. For once, think. You werent there for me during my hard times, you criticize me, you compare my LOOKS, brains and TASTE (even in men for godsakes) with my SISTER, you always say IM NEVER good enough, and you expect me to suck it all up and be close to you? I tried. Because you're family. And there is a NEED to LOVE and respect you. But understand that when you DO all this, when I'm having my FULL MOON, its bloody hard. And Im still confused if this is just a hard situation or just my hormones.

Ive been wanting so say this out loud for so long, so badly. But never had the courage to do it. Because it would break some hearts. So yeah, I sucked it all up. And try to throw it away. Really, I did. But eventually, some of my resentment ended up leaking here and Im sorry for that.

O Allah. I trust that You know better. Maybe it IS hormones. Maybe it gives me flaws, or makes me cute? (Who the heck thinks an emotional monthly woman is cute?!) ugh.

O Allah. Help me.

Kedah dan Isi Jantung

Bismillah

Done with 'Cun' 2011. I always wanted to watch the movie. Yes I know it sounds cheesy. The movie was darn right cheesy but it somehow portrayed what I wanted, or haha.. lets face it.. I use to like, maybe still do.. men like that. My dad was like that.

I used to dream I could live somewhere kat Kedah. Have a simple life, ajar kanak-kanak kat sekolah, balik mengaji, masak, malam solat berjemaah. Betul-betul bertemankan Gunung Jerai. Pui angan-angan.. haha.

I used to.. be.. lost.

As I'm writing this, I'm reminiscing my old memories with someone who used to be close to me, mean more to me than my principles and feelings and I gave up so much, ego and whatnot.. Ni semua kesan cerita Cun tu lah. He's exactly or somewhat macam Atan dalam Cun tuh. And what I wanted to write was about how I liked or missed a realtionship, or a guy like that. But coming to.. 'I used to be..' made me realize that I'm way, so so much better with what I am now.

People say it's hard to break the chain of relationships but here I am and I did it. I never acknowledge myself for doing it, never wrote about it. Never thought about it much. But wow.. Here I am, thinking.. and writing about it. And this heart feels heavy.

Yes, there will always be that lingering feeling of  'I wish this would happen.. that would happen..' But manusia memang tak pernah bersyukur kan? And yes its the weddings and facebook and the group, and my highschool friends are getting hitched and I'm happy about it.. Truly, I am. And I've come to the realization, that, hati aku dah terikat. It's a bit early to say what I'm saying now. But by God, Wallahi; perasaan ini lah yang menyelamatkan, menjauhkan aku dari buat perkara-perkara yang melalaikan. Most of the times. Sebab hati aku, tertaut pada seseorang yang baik, way out of my league, and it is in this feeling, I realize what ikhlas means again.

It's early. Too early. And I don't even know him. Kedah bukan dengan dia. I don't know what is. But as Najah told me, if he can motivate me to become a better person, let it be. I rather stay like this. Than lose the motivation. I rather be unknown, than risking of losing what I believe to be could be true. It's funny. Really it is.  I really should stop writing about this mushy stuff Haha. But.. wow.. kuasa Allah. Subhanallah.

Thank you for the strength to break the chains. For changing me. I'm not there yet. I'm FAR  from where I should or want to be. But help me, get there.