Head over heels

Sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever fall head over heels for someone again

Looking back to yester-days

bismillah

I'm back in Malaysia and it's that time of the month so I'm feeling extra emotional. I'm reading 'Letters from Skye', a birthday book I bought for myself in Portree. And I was scrolling though the pictures from my last trip up in Skye. Man how I miss it.

I can't complain much. Sure the air here is hazy. Polluted with carbon monoxide and sounds of honks and tonks. Malaysia is getting over populated at a slow rate but it is home. And home is where the heart is. Isn't it? Alas, my heart is up in Quiraing, on top of the hills, over looking the sea.

I'm waiting for Feefa to come back. One of the good memories I have of home. I ate cake with Besa, but she's already back now and everybody is busy with their own lives. I realize, the faster I get in check with reality, the better it is for me.

The other thing that keeps popping up my mind is this fluff of relationship issues I hate to think about. Time is a luxury which I now can afford and it is being used somewhat in a wrong way. By thinking, and over-thinking of my past, present and future relationships. But apart from that, I'm doing pretty good. I'm reading books and getting scared of being fat.

Najah, what I promised you what I would write here, I take it back. It's too personal and I think the people involved deserves a smaller audience, one that I know and trust.

ape ko kerje tu??

Bismillah.

Bagi aku, pekerjaan yang paling mulia, aku fikir macam mana pun x nampak calit nak menyimpang dapat dosa kat situ, adalah menjadi ustazah/ustaz yang mengajar tajwid, mengajar Al-Quran. Lagi2 kalau faham maksud Al-Quran tu, ajar budak2 apa kata-kata Allah. Mengingatkan orang tentang Allah dan Rasulullah saw. Dulu, masa kecik, aku selalu mengaji dengan Ustazah Rozihan kat BJ5. Aku rasa kerja dia simple, dan dapat pahala banyak.


Fast forward next 15 years.


Masing-masing kerja gedebak-gedebuk kemain hebat lagi. Master sana sini, kejar PhD. Buat apa.. aku buat structural biology, looking for targets on proteins that can be used for drug development. I hope, my studies will be fruitful in a sense that at the end of it all, I find a protein site or that my compounds can actually function as a drug that can be used to save lives. Punya panjang long-term goal.


Kau kerja apa?


Kadang-kadang, aku rasa kerja aku susah sangat, I go into philosophical mode. Contoh, aku masuk bas, aku fikir. Bus driver ni lagi berguna dari aku. Kalau xd bus driver aku x sampai tempat kerja. So does everyone else. Pengutip sampah lagi mulia dari aku. Dia kutip sampah, bersihkan tempat, ikut sunah, aku pulak kadang2 buang sampah rata-rata.


Kau kerja apa?


Macam mana nak sumbang kat ummah? Macam mana nak jadikan kerja tu ibadah? Penat aku fikir arini. Free time banyak sangat. Kalau architecture, bina masjid or bina bangunan cantik-cantik, kasi ingat kat Allah. Macam mana architect tu nak revert ingatan manusia tu kat Allah? Kalau dia boleh buat, memang hebat. Engineer, geologist. Belajar tentang bumi Allah. Doktor, selamat nyawa manusia. Sampai masa untuk diri sendiri pun xda. Subhanallah. Cikgu. Ni lagi la banyak pahala. Aku rasa gomen kena naikkan gaji ckgu ni banyak-banyak. Lagi-lagi yang kat pedalaman tu. Kalau tak ada cikgu, kita semua close to bodoh.


Kalau tak ada ustazah macam ustazah rozihan, aku mungkin takkan lancar mengaji Al-Quran. Mungkin aku malas mengaji. Mungkin aku malas nak kenal Allah.


Kau kerja apa?


Tuhan bagi kudrat. Bagi tanggungjawab. Sebelum kita lahir dah janji kat Allah. Nak jadi khalifah kat muka bumi sampai mati. Darjat kita diangkat lagi tinggi dari malaikat. Berat tu.


Sayang, sekarang orang kerja keramaiannye niat nak cari duit berkepuk-kepuk je. Lupa tujuan hidup. Aku pun kadang-kadang lupa. Tapi, dah aku teringat. Mungkin dapat mengingatkan orang lain. Kalau kerja tu, pusingkan arah pekerjaan tu supaya kita ingat kat Allah. Tak pun, buat orang lain ingat kat Allah.


That way, bila kerja apa pun, sampai bila pun, jadi ibadah. Mati kat mana-mana, bila-bila pun, tak rasa menyesal.

ITS ALL ABOUT ME

bismillah

I am sitting, on an overused couch, one leg sprawled over the blanket, my calves cold. My clothes are unfolded, and they're on the couch, together with the pillow my friend left while sleeping here. The adapter to this laptop which is on my couch is stretched behind the sofa and is berselirat with my leg. I have, my towel, my blanket, my hair a mess and two bands on my wrist. I am also texting with a guy I might like, who's now in Malaysia and he has no idea what he's getting himself into.

I curse, because there is not coverage or wifi at my house (padahal masa kecik xde internet xd hal). I eat junkfood all the time and my weight is 54kg. I'm trying to run weekly & I run better when I'm mad. Yesterday I got into one of my fits of rage again and I ran my fastest 5k ever. I have a bad temper and I lose my marbles easily. I'm not patient and I say what I want to people I don't care about. I can be bitchy at times and when I do, it surprises people (for some reason). I always curse in my head (I think I'm just being honest with the situation) but I never curse a person.

I hate kids and kids hate me. I like babies but I can only look at them from afar. I keep on saying I can handle them because I actually care what people think of me and i want them to think of me as someone loving and warm but really, I don't know what to do or how to talk to babies and I'm not one of those girls who goes goo goo gaga over babies. I suck with babies. I mean, little stockings are cute but I'm just bad with babies.

I. Am. Forgetful. and Indecisive. and it kills me. I forget where I put my proteins are, I put them at places and I have to search the whole lab when I want it. I forget where I put my wallet, I always lose them. I used to have 3 phones when I was 19 because I kept losing it. In the cab, at the cafe, you name it. I am the flakiest person you might ever know yet I like travelling on my own and I know how much that kills my dad. Indecisive? I never get ready an hour before I'm supposed to leave because I know I'll change my clothes the last minute.

I am messy. My clothes are everywhere. It takes approximately 3 days for me to fold them after I wash them. Did I mention my clothes are everywhere? I never dress appropriately. I'm 25 and I don't dress up like other 25's. I still wear t shirt. I don't wear makeup. I don't know why girls are so obsessed with brands. I still wear my sneakers and sweaters. I ALWAYS buy sweaters and chucks. My tudung is always out of place and I couldn't care less. I KNOW i'm not beautiful and I believe in that and I am comfortable with that. I think I look cute some days but the rest, I'm just messy and I look like I've just jumped out of bed. But I love my bed hair so, I'll keep my bed-look.

I eat, like a guy. I have no table manners but I try to adopt one. My friends say I'm too gelojoh for my own good, and its a form of entertainment to watch me eat. Because when I eat, when I'm in the zone, it's just me and my food. And because of that, I'm slowly getting fat. And I don't bother to eat healthy or pick up fruits or yogurts or decrease my intake. The only reason I eat less is because I'm poor and I want to save my money. I do sometimes eat less because sometimes, the fear of becoming fat does dominate my mind.

I get bored easily. But not with things like writing or basketball. Or modelling. I have little patience and I always misunderstood the real message conveyed because I don't listen properly. I like country music and justin bieber songs. I like Simon and Garfunkel and Norah Jones and I think musicians are great. I won't marry an ustaz because they don't like me and they're too nice for me and because I swear too much. My eyes always have eye bags with them and I wish someone would read this and realize that I'm spontaneous, impulsive, and despite knowing all these faults, will sill like me

My 4th SuperVisor

So I found something worthwhile and good to write about. This person, is by far, one of the best people I've met in Glasgow, and I'm even luckier to have her as my supervisor. Allah is The Most Awesome, and Almighty.

What do I write about her? I'll say this at the end of this post again. I wish all supervisors and lecturers would be more like her. Instead of bashing and making themselves unreasonably superior than their students. It's true you need to have this gap, you need to respect your teachers and superiors. And some people find it confusing to balance out between these two. I had some teachers telling me that students either don't respect them or they rely too much on them as a teacher, or they just don't reach out to them. But here, I have no idea how they do it. Maybe it's how they leave the doors open, or how they greet you with chocolates and cakes, or just how they smile and welcome you to their office whenever you want to ask something. Maybe its in their work ethics. Just maybe. But it just makes me feel so comfortable to the point, sometimes, being around my supervisors can be as comfortable as being around with friends. Like being with a second parent.

Berapa lecturers kat Malaysia yang mampu gain trust student, while still be someone of high position in the Uni?

I'm writing this, with two main aims; to welcome all the jealousy with the intention and drive to find a supervisor as nice as mine, if not nicer and secondly, if you're a teacher yourself, to be as good if not better as my supervisor.

She trusted me even at the early stages of my project. She put her money in me by flying me to Oxford to do my experiments. She's the first to invest money in me, excluding my family, for academic purposes. And because of that, I don't have the slightest intent to disappoint her and I worked my ass of because someone, trusted in me, that much.

All my SVs here, gave me holidays when I ask for them, with the condition that when I come to work, I work properly. I don't Facebook my life away or watch movies in the lab. When I work, I put my mind to it. And it's the best feeling in the world to be challenged, frustrated, and learn from the whole experience. I had failures. Many times during my project. But she, and her team, they were a tough team with tough love, they worked hard and they had high expectations of me. But they were always there for me. Whenever I had a question. Tapi aku tak tanya my life away. They'll only give me answers provided I read first before asking them. They had high expectations of me, and because of that, I gave this project my best shot.

When I finished my project, I offered to work still, just to learn stuff. She was okay with it. But today, I had a Bad Science Day (BSD) which means, I did every mistake there is to make to destroy my day. It was to the point that I felt like giving up all my work and just take off. So I went to see her and told this to her. The real reason why I came back to the lab was because I has some personal problems back home and I wanted a distraction. She said, she didnt mean to pry but I'm always welcomed to talk to her if I wanted to. She asked me what am I going to do during my holidays. That I must be excited to be going home in a few weeks time. I told her I'd try journalism. And she said..You can go for better that that. You're good at writing and your presentation was terrific. You should go out and do volunteer and reach the public. Do a youtube video. Or teach. Or talk. The possibilities are endless. You can do it during your PhD, or during your holidays. Yeah, Go for it!

I'l never forget that look, or that talk, or the way someone I've known for 3 months, put their faith and supported me this much.

She said, its okay for me to drop my lab work now. That I should enjoy my remaining time here in Glasgow. I told her about my guilt for spending money to enjoy my time. I told her about how I felt. How my problems are affecting my work. And she's cool with it.

I've been changed for the better because I knew her. Oh man. Dia cikgu terbaik. She's smart, she looks up to the books to teach me, and sebab usaha dia nak bagi aku paham subject ni, I feel so so bad if I put 90% effort in my work.

If only more teachers were as cool or as warm or as smart or as trusting as mine. I've been truly blessed. Alhamdulillah

to all my backbiting friends

Ni lah dia. Kalau banyak sangat masa free.

I believe that a true friend will see past the gossips, accusations and rumors.

A true friend does not crave for the benefits that comes with her or him. I don't have to be cryptic or anything but you get what I mean. I hate it that I still have people who stick on to me because of the things that I can do for them. But that's okay because when they tiba2 datang into my life with something, or a favor, bila susah pandai pulak nak cari aku. Like when I'm in trouble or there's nasty rumors about me, pandai pulak cakap belakang aku. There's a special place in hell for these type of people.

Now that I've finished my masters, I have loads of free time. i don't know what to do with it. And I have all kinds of people suddenly irritating me from every angle. Maybe it's because now, I have time to be annoyed by these people. So, I go to the lab. Because I want to forget, and so that I don't have free time. But when I go here, people tell me I'm crazy, baik sangat masuk lab balik, people telling me it's good but I should take some time off. Discover Glasgow. I might just do that. Cuma bapak scary jalan sorang2 (bukan sebab takut drunk people or being hassled) Takut terlebih melayan perasaan.

But I might just do that. Now, I feel like dropping all my work and ride the bus to some ungodly place.

But I want you to know, if you backbite me, and if you happen to be one of the people in my life whom I call friend, I want you to know, that if I do ever meet you again, and whenever I have an opportunity to spite you, I will. It's either that or I'm too lazy and I'll just watch as God spits karma on you.