Inverness

bismillah,

I can't get Inverness out of my head.

I'm back home, I need to finish my poster, write up my report, REALLY start working again. But Inverness was so nice! It was the most beautiful town I even been to in my entire life. According to me-lah.

It's this this beautiful small quaint and calm village at the north end of Scotland, like Fisherman Village in FF8. It's so close to the north pole already and nights come in as late as 830 pm in Spring. The River Ness, runs into the moray firth sea, where in summer, there are sightings of dolphins and whales. I really wanted to go there but it would be kind of pointless if I would just ride the boat and see nothing.

The city was small and you can just go just about everywhere by foot. There's shops just enough so you wont overspend, but keep you busy enough. And the houses are just next door to the castle and the river. And in Spring, daffodils are at full bloom all by the river which flows at a good pace, just to give you that lively breezy feeling. It's windy, but just the right speed. And be rain or shine, you can see families strolling around with their kids and dogs. It's a nice and quiet village.

I walked through the cemetery, and it was the nicest cemetary I'd ever been to. Ann asked me to go. It felt kinda calm though. I think it's probably beause of the blooming blossom trees. And the sun and rainbow and rain altogether.

I didn't enjoy my company though, they kinda bothered me to a certain extent, making dirty stupid jokes I couldnt relate to most of the journey. I did owe the whole journey to them though. If it wasn't for them I knew I might not get the chance to enjoy the road trip, appreciating the A9 highway of Scotland. But just because this one person made me so uncomfortable, I spent most of my time pretending I didn't exist which was kinda sad but I swear, the beauty of Inverness, Fort Augustus and Loch Ness was breathtaking. Glen Affric was just as nice too but I guess it got too cold by then, with the rain and me wearing the wrong clothes (all the time).

Nairn is a nearby village by the beach , 20 minutes from Inverness. There are castles and forts along the way, with yellow daffodils stretching alongside the highway, escorting the cars all the way from Inverness to the village itself. And as you enter Nairn, the road gives you away to the east side of the Nairn beach. As you step down the car, the white sand (yes white sand!) blows through your feet (because it was that windy) and the sea, was deep, deep blue. Like a midnight sky with a bright moon and the waves, coming in gentle and white. There were two huge red cargo ships just to give a sailory atmosphere and across the sea, is the northern island of Scotland, with steep cliffs, which looked like clean cut rocks, shaped my erosion from the sea many many years ago. So it's not that typical sea-horizon look you get every time you go to the beach.

I just can't get these out of my head. if there is anything I'd love more, I'd say its the sea. I'll always, always be in love with the sea. So much to the point it overshadowed the kind of conversation I had along the journey. Maybe that was because I just wanted to forget it.. But I'll say. It was so beautiful, I can't put it into words or pictures. Just at the back of my head.

It's just so beautiful.

THE day. I've been waiting for

In the name of Allah, The Greatest, All-Knowing, The Reliever, The Generous and The Most Merciful.

I've been waiting for today. For quite a long time. There are some many words that i need to put into detail but I'd just skip the descriptions and what not, and go straight to the point.

1. I got my bands from the gradient PCR. It sounds so insignificant, but I swear it is important to me. Because that means now, I can move on with my project and that I'm one step closer to getting results and start my writing. That ALSO means that, THERE IS NOTHING wrong with my lab skills. That ALSO means, that it wasn't my fault I didn't get results before. Someone misplaced my samples and forgot to tell me they did. I was too happy to get annoyed anyway. I literally teared up at the desktop. And sort of start 'Yeeeesssss!!!' and the technician looked at me in a weird way, and I did a little jump across the lab corridor, squealed in my supervisor's room, Donal was like 'you're noisy, get out' shocked face but he thought it was funny. But I got it anyway. It was clear, nice bands.
   
2. It snowed. Like, HALE snow. And I thought I wasn't excited but on the brink of the event, a lecturer stood beside me, and said. Oh my, it's snowing. Everyone was literally stamping their faces on the lab window. The Spaniard group in front of me were ecstatic. I dropped my stuff, pipettes and all, ran into the office, grabbed my phone and was like 'OMG its snowing! I'm gonna call my mom!' I ran, and Anne followed after me, (she thinks I'm hilarious, never seeing snow) and called after me "Don't forget to get Shira with yeh!!" And I'm like 'Yeah! Yeah!' I stood outside, and it was this soft white slush on the grounds, And suddenly.. BAM! I got hit by a snowball. Maria and her lab mates were already there. They were laughing and gushing. We snapped some good pictures, and for quite awhile, we didn't chat about our projects, we talked about how soft snow was, how our home didn't have snow, and how we forgot how cold it was then. At this point, Anne, told me,  "You got yer bands today, and it snowed on the same day. This day has been perfect so far". I got scared because I didn't want to be TOO happy. But I was thankful nonetheless. And I thought.. if only he  would text me..
3. The trick was, He did. In the morning. And when I came home, we chatted for awhile. I wasn't as hyped or as crazy as I was about him like last year. But, it just made my day better. And when I thought it couldn't get any better..
4. I was in the bus, on my way home, making playlists of what songs I want to play on the piano, with my dad and my siblings when I get back home. And then, I came across a song, Aizat gave to me. And I'm like, oh. No one would play this for me but him. And I started to think that maybe I should text him to play this again for me. (its one of my stupid random thoughts. I never did anything THAT stupid again now. Alhamdulillah) but anyway, I tried recalling his number.. BUT I CAN'T. I don't remember. it was 0193612433 or 2433? I'm not sure. I really don't remember, I'm not sure, it's vague and a WAVE of happiness surged upon me. I. Forgot. His. Number. I'm finally moving on, and now, I'm at peace with myself.
5. I rewarded myself with another round of movie. This time, 'Unbeatable' and the soundtrack theme, 'The Sound of Silence' keeps playing on and on. This feels nice. 

I know it's not fair to only remind myself of Allah at times of extreme happiness and sadness. I know I do that. I'm not perfect, I'm eons, miles away from it. But Allah has a way of pulling me closer back to Him. Subhanallah. I almost gave up, felt like giving up so many times. But He is always there. And He promised. 

" If my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

I meant to write this a week ago

In the Name of Allah, THE Most Gracious, Merciful, Able and Great.

A week ago, I went to Istanbul with my high-school friends, Najah and Feefa. It was the trip to remember and oh for so many reasons.

We are turning 25, single, finishing our studies insya Allah by the end of this year and we are, miles and miles away from home. 

The reason why I wrote this: Was a message to our remaining, tight-knit, close friends in Malaysia.

It is what we (what I felt, at least) when we were together. 

Istanbul, was beautiful for me because of the people. They were nice, generally speaking for all Turkish people, (we met good ones during our trip). It was most beautiful because of my friends.

And we stayed at the dormitories. So we got a feeling of high-school all over again. And before we doze off to sleep, we talk and did so many funny things like we used to when we were studying together back in high-school.

One of the topics were, that you guys, (girls) are getting married when we're still here. 

And that we're missing out on the conversation all the time because of both time difference and our hectic schedule. This time, I'm not crapping around, it's so busy, we forget to eat. 

Being friends, with my girls in high-school has been THE best experience of my childhood. And for girls like us, it is only imperative that we dream of bachelorette parties, gushing over wedding dresses, the last single-ism hugs, watching that akad, realizing that you're gonna lose part of your girlfriend to a guy, a great guy that's gonna marry and take care of her. And you realize, you can't kidnap her from her house for burgers or mamak or karoke anytime you want to anymore.

You realize, she's going to be someone's wife. And your argument is now invalid. 

You're still friends, good, close friends but lets face it.

 We're all heading our own ways sometime later in our lives.

And I wish, more than anything that I could be part of this big step in your (you guys know who you are) lives especially in this big, big, BIG moment. It's not like its happening tomorrow but you get what I mean.

Us, here, we think about 'that special someone' most of the time too. But we're okay. For now. Ha Ha.

We, will do our best, wherever we are, to pray for your happiness.. and our friendship.

To all the stupid, sweet and unforgettable memories we had, and ones we're gonna make in the future.

And this is a Rumi poetry that Najah once told me,

She said: Niat itu penting. Saidina Ali pernah cancel nak bunuh opponent dalam perang sebab opponent dia ludah kat dia. Dia takut dia bunuh sebab marah. 

Najah used a particular sentence at the end of this poetry that describes the friendship with my long high-school friends, perfectly. 

It is the one highlighted and italic at the end of this poetry.

To the ones I miss back home.

Ali in Battle-Rumi

Learn from Ali how to fight
without your ego participating.

God's Lion did nothing
that didn't originate
from his deep center.

Once in battle he got the best of a certain knight
and quickly drew his sword. The man,
helpless on the ground, spat
in Ali's face. Ali dropped his sword,
relaxed, and helped the man to his feet.

"Why have you spared me?
How has lightning contracted back
into its cloud? Speak, my prince,
so that my soul can begin to stir
in my like an embryo."

Ali was quiet and then finally answered,
"I am God's Lion, not the lion of passion.
The sun is my lord. I have no longing
except for the One.

When a wind of personal reaction comes,
I do not go along with it.

There are many winds full of anger,
and lust and greed. They move the rubbish
around, but the solid mountain of our true nature
stays where it's always been.

There's nothing now
except the divine qualities.
Come through the opening into me.

Your impudence was better than any reverence,
because in this moment I am you and you are me.

I give you this opened heart as God gives gifts:
the poison of your spit has become
the honey of friendship.

Unforgettable Rumi Poetry

Bismillah.

These are just some poems from 'Rumi-Selected Poems' by Penguin Classics that I find interesting and that I can relate to. There are also some which I find, disturbing to my mind. And that I can't comprehend to. But it was interesting anyway and gave me new insights. Just didn't want to forget them. And if you happen to read this, you might want to try reading some of the poems I've listed out. The last few are easier to relate, and personally one that I find best is 'Ali in Battle'

1. Sexual urgency, what a woman's laughter can do, and the nature of true virility.
2. Muhammad (SAW) and the huge eater.
3. The dream that must be interpreted
4. Zikr
5. Childhood friends
6. The mouse and the camel
7. Body intelligence
8. Nasuh
9. Moses and the shepherd (Good one.)
10. Joy at sudden disappointment
11. Two kinds of intelligence
12. The importance of gourdcrafting (if someone could explain this to me, that'd be great)
13. The Far mosque
14. On gambling
15. The three fish
16. There's nothing ahead
17. In Baghdad, dreaming of Cairo,in Cairo, dreaming of Baghdad
18. Sheikh Kharraqani and his wretched wife
19. The snake catcher and the frozen snake
20. Ali in Battle
21. The king, the handmaiden and the doctor
22. Green Ears (also a good one)
23. On being woven
24. A basket of fresh bread

04/02.2014

I haven't finished the book yet but I'm almost at the end. Since I came back from Istanbul, I can understand Rumi and appreciate his poems better. I think (since I'm marking more of his poems in the end of the book)

Anybody who reads Rumi and knows any good poems from him please share? And if you find any of this poems that you can relate to and explain more, please do. Thanks :)

Hey-you-you-duck-face-selfie-big-eyed-vain-person-you!

Haha! So, again today, In the Name of Allah, The most Gracious, The Most Forgiving and One who loves, Jameel; Beauty.

I'm not gonna write about my mother's birthday, because it will make me well up and cray. Again.
Instead, I was scrolling my timeline when I find THE most annoying pictures on the planet! So I clicked 'unfollow' again and again and with the most minimum patience I now have (which I will later on regret) tweeted 'wtf'

I have.. the most... pity or how shall I say it. Kesian, for girls or guys for that matter that needs to put up pictures of their faces, edited cropped and touched up (or not touched up as I may say, #nofilter) on the internet and sort of like.. need constant reassurance that they are pretty or look good or comel.

whatever.

Seriously stop. Just stop.

It's freakingly annoying. It just shows so much how insecure you are, how vain, how much you depend on other people's reassurance, and what they think of you, just shows how much you need people to give approval of you.

If I have one wish, I wish people would stop posting duckfaces, selfies, #ootd's every day, hashtags of what they wear, on instagram or facebook or whatever. Its sickness, its poisoning our minds and lowering our intelligence. Honestly! Why do we care so much? On how we look and what other people think??

Why people don't really value brainstuff anymore? Or wit? Or diligence and humour?

I know you're gonna say stuff like 'eh gambar aku suka aku la' or 'tak suka unfollow sudah' or 'kau macam bagus sangat kau pun ada gmbr selfie' but by god, I don't put a zillion hashtags along with it. Or post my face every week. And don't go goo-goo eyed and put it on the internet.

Here's a tip. If you think that you look pretty in the picture, don't post it. Try.

Leeds and Yasmin Mogahed: Part 2

Bismillah.

I really wanted to share about the Yasmin Mogahed's talk but I'm afraid that I might have done some injustice since I'm the third person telling a story. But I wrote some notes down.. Oh well. Niat sekadar berkongsi ilmu. But whatever it is, I am positive that what she said, went straight to the heart, (I don't think my writing will touch any hearts but I wished I could). And if I do get the chance to see and hear her talk again, I would. Cuz she's that good.

How to cross the Oceans of Dunya?

1. One of the things I remembered was her metaphor that she used. Remember Titanic? The 'Unsinkable Ship'? It sunk anyway. And because it broke, and the sea filled in the ship. Something as simple as ocean water can sink such a grand ship. Right here, the ocean is dunya and we are the ship and we are just crossing the ocean to get to.. well.. hopefully Jannah. So.. the only way to cross this world, is to not fill our hearts dengan hal-hal duniawi.

2. Shaytan, will always whisper in our hearts. Things that are obvious and things which aren't. Most of the times, we don't even realize that we've been 'talked' into doing or thinking the things that we think of. Like, when I see a good man and I like him and then all of a sudden a voice at the back of my head goes like 'Oh kau tak cukup baik untuk dia. I mean, look at you and your stupid past who's EVER gonna want you' ok. sikit exaggerate but you get the point. Shaytan will want us to lose hope. Like,'aku tak cukup baik untuk pakai tudung or pergi ceramah. So why bother trying?' There are.. many times that these thoughts come to my mind. We just have to realize that these comes from shaytan.

3. Then she asked us. Simple questions. That require us to be brutally honest and personal.

• What do you think about most of the time?
• What makes you cry?
• What makes you most angry?
• What are you most afraid of?
• What are you afraid of losing?
• What do you think about in your salah?
• What is your first thought in the morning? Your last thoughts before you sleep?
• What is your greatest source of pain in life?

These are.. our Attachments. Most of us won't have a perfect list of remembering religion or Jannah or Allah for that matter. But answering these questions, made me realize, made me let go of the things that I've been constantly thinking of the past few days..

#some part of the class

4. Our hearts are our lenses to the world. If you have a good heart, you will see the world as a good place. At first I thought of this macam naive.. but then, she said, the fiqh; understanding of the mind, comes from the heart. For example, we see things that are.. bad as good. Macam, beer. Or getting drunk. Maybe we see it as something cool. I don't know.. sometimes I like to joke around. But in a long term.. wallahualam. Kalau tak jaga hati, nauzubillah, mungkin I'll be seeing those things as something good? Mintak simpang la..

5. A lot of times, we try to ask for the ability to love Allah. You know how it is when you fall in love with a person, you can't stop thinking about them. Always hoping that they're thinking about you. Always wanting to get their approval. Always missing them. And you know that we're supposed to feel that way about Allah. Terlalu mencintai Allah. But sometimes, truthfully, it is hard. It is for me sebab aku pelupa dan aku lemah sangat. Well, one of the reasons which I learnt was because, hati tak bersih. Cinta Allah only enters a clean heart. So always do zikr. And mintak la kat Tuhan, berkali-kali and never ever give up, untuk hati yang bersih. 

6. Zuhud. Detachment. I remember. The year, 2011. One of the worst years of my life, and I never sunk so low. And Yasmin asked us, "Do you remember when was your closest moment with Allah?" She smiled. Because I think she knows that most of us had the same answer. It was the times when we had to let go of something, and for me, it was the time that I begged and prayed so hard so that I find the strength to be strong and let go. It was.. as people say, difficulty is a blessing in disguise 

7. Marriage is a mean of getting closer to Allah. It's not a freaking goal. Yes I'm 24 and single and I'm getting worried and everything. But she reminded me, to stay focus. For our only goal is untuk mencari keredhaan Allah. To be close to Him. And to worship Him. Marriage is only one of the ways.. Like wise for mothers and wives. We're not incomplete if we're not married. Or become a mother. What happens then if we get divorced? Or we can't have kids? Doesn't erase our purpose on earth. Society yang bagi stigma to women that we're supposed to get married and have kids and raise children that are future doctors or engineers. When really.. kalau dengan perkahwinan itu menjauhkan kita dari Allah, would we still want it?

8. Some last notes.. Before the session ends, she taught us to do a few things after we leave. Since, ilmu di dada is only as good as how much we use them in our lives. Dia tak suruh bangun buat Qiam tiap malam pun. Benda-benda simple jek. Macam;

• Making a commitment to our prayers. Solat 5 waktu. It IS after all, why we were created anyway. Yes iman itu naik dan turun.. But, try and make effort to never miss salah. 
• Perfecting our salah. Khusyuk bila menghadap Allah.
• Not praying in a hurry.
• To try praying on time.
• Doing small but consistent deeds. Macam zikr ke, solat sunat ke. Takyah ubah drastik sangat.
• Always istighfar sebab istighfar tu membersihkan hati.
• And doing salah for salah protects us from bad deeds.

I worry, that some people might think of me as being poyo. Or bajet. Or blablabla. But that's another thing she taught me. We worry too much about what other people think. When we should be more concerned with what Allah thinks about us. 

Seyes ah. Talk Yasmin Mogahed best. May Allah bless her. And may this writing benefit those who reads it. :)

Leeds and Yasmin Mogahed: Part 1

Bismillah. #thisgonnabealongone

On the 13th of October, I saw an advertisement on Facebook saying that Yasmin Mogahed will do a 1 day seminar in Leeds on the 8th of December. During that time, I didn't know anyone (or rather forgot) who could lend me a place to crash for the night, but I just bought the ticket and thought to myself, "ikotlah nanti pandai2 lah tidur mana2" Syukur, korek punya korek, jumpa Sueaida my highschool friend, who studies there. And I'm off to my journey to Leeds.

My train was scheduled 6.30 am. Aku memang mengagahkan diri bangun awal, harung sejuk bagai, keseorangan, sepanjang masa, yakin Allah akan jaga aku. (Berbekalkan cerita Faizah tentang kebergantungan kepada Allah) I didn't sleep throughout the journey since I have to change trains. And since my train was scheduled in the morning, I get to indulge in the glorious sunshine scenery of... wait for it.. Yorkshire National Park!  Okay la tak ada la gempak mana pun tapi, if you have been spending your lifetime with English books dreaming of the countryside/LOTR-Shire-surroundings this is the scenery you don't want to miss. Train yang aku naik cabuk, penuh dan there was close to 25 stops along the park, it was exhausting but the scenery kept me through.

#Yorkshire's National Park

Leeds, was for me.. exciting. And for the wrong reasons. At first.

The city was bustling with people doing Christmas shopping, music, it has this amazing market, (I swear I'm still angry at myself for not taking pictures of this market) Leeds, is hilly, noisy and by the end of the day, I kinda memorized the roads already so, it wasn't that big. But the Christmas markets were awesome. Its like, the city is yeah.. okay.. until you visit the Christmas market. It was full! Full-er! Noisier!  And I am a sucker for lights so, the shops had these pretty decorations and there was the funfair and bustling and everything. Bought us some banana covered chocolate just to have some market feel. The market sold just about every Christmas related stuff you can think of... you name it. The Nutcracker. Lights. Ice-globes. Beers. Lots of Beers. Chocolates.  Desserts. Christmas clothing. Toys. It was a great atmosphere.

#Streets of Leeds

 #Wondrous Chocolates of all shapes and sizes

#Christmas lights :)

My second favorite place would have to be.. the University. Its huge, very academic-ish, majestic and you feel the uni vibe when you're in it. Ok so maybe I haven't been to Edinburgh or Oxford or Harvard yet but so far, Leeds was nice. It was then until Baitul told me the ISOC for Leeds was an active group, always having something going on, talks and everything. I'd say. It's a nice place to study. Less distractions. Small city. Aaall iz well.

Sueaida bawak aku jalan-jalan and rupanya malam tu, ada jamuan makan-makan. Ye aku tahu ini semua rezeki. Masha Allah. Because last night I just had Nasi Lemak for dinner, and that night in Leeds, I had baked cheese macaroni, in white and tomato sauce (Yes, Sue masak) and Baitul masak nasi goreng kerang. Mewah-mewah. 

Sue's group of friends were awesome. There's Jannah who baked her instant-raisin-brownie and super funny. We have Alia the Roti Girl, rajin masak, a wife and she also joined the Yasmin Mogahed event, Nelly, Mas, Suraya, Sya and Ada. See? I remembered everyone. They treated me ever so nicely, getting excited over the fact that I'm from Glasgow. In fact, I had such a good time talking and laughing and eating I didn't feel tired until they went back home. These people were awesome, even for that 2/3 hours of short meeting.

Going to sleep, Sue's room reminded me so much of my old room. It had this window still and had books on it. Back when I was little, my windows were grilled but I had a cactus and a night light beside the window. At night, I would write in my diary or read books and look at the stars before I sleep. Feeling gtu. Well, Sue's window, or that segment of her room was a bit like that. And, I dozed of before I could think any further.

Najah 1

Bismillah.

Its kinda biased and funny that I put a 'Najah 1' for the title but it's only befitting because she gives first-class advice and aku suka quote dia. Im now in her room, she's praying Maghrib and a wave of realization hits me; I might not have this chance of having a sleepover this long and this girly ever again.

What I wanted to write about, (before I forget) was about our conversation last night. I was on her bed, with my 'A Darkening of the Heart' Scottish book, and she was doing preps on her mock up exams tomorrow. And I asked her,

"Najah, did anybody ever tell you out of the blue, that you're beautiful?"

"Apebende soalan kau tanya ni?"

"It's just a question". Cheeky smile.

Najah, began to do this super gedik spins on her chair, put up a wistful smile and told me,

"there's this one time, in a hospital, I introduced myself to a patient, the patient tu look at her best friend (anak or something aku lupa) and she told me you're pretty. And aku dumbfounded but it made me so happy"

And she told me some other important things as well. Some of the things I remembered was.. *I'm sorry if this seems like injustice to your original words but I'll try remembering it properly, to the last detail*

"Beauty tu.. when you think of it, it is kind of unfair that some people lahir dah cantik, some people lahir rupa lain-lain. But bila aku fikir balik, I'm thankful that I'm not THAT pretty sebab, nanti aku tak tahu sejauh mana orang ikhlas dengan aku.

Orang layan aku baik sebab rupa ke sebab personality aku.

Cantik rupa orang boleh pertikaikan. Tapi Yana, cantk hati, tak ada orang boleh pertikaikan. It's something you have to build, put up a constant fight with. Bukan senang nak cantikkan hati. Sebab tu aku post yang 'Be so beautiful that hearts can't take their eyes of you'.

Aku rasa especially orang melayu, dengan sopan dia, senang nak amek hati orang lain. Senang je nak buat orang suka kat kau. Kau polite je. Nanti orang lain pun polite kat kau.

Tapi Yana, sometimes, in life, kau buat baik kat orang, tak semestinya orang buat baik kat kau. So then, whatever will you do? Mesti bengang kan. So, kau setkan hati kau, buat baik sebab Allah. Then in a way, kau buat baik kat orang bukan sebab orang tu. Sebab Allah. Kalau orang tu layan kau tak bagus pun takpe sebab, kau tau niat asal kau sebab Allah.

But it is not easy and whenever kau rasa nak buat baik, kau takut riak ke ape, just put that thought away and just do it. Lama-lama insya Allah Allah padamkan rasa riak tu. "

Okay kalau Najah baca ni memang dah bias dah conversation ni because bab riak tu was something we talked about earlier on the train. Sorry Jah haha.

Najah smiled, her half closed sleepy eyes.

"Allah tu fair. Dia tak pandang pun rupa yang cantik. Dia pandang hati yang cantik. That comforts me so much. Aku tak payah risau2 rupa aku sebab Allah tak pandang pun."

We went quiet for awhile. Both of us in our private thoughts. Me and my realizations,the things she thought me, and Najah, smiling, looking up, *reminiscing maybe* and faced her laptop and continued her work. Just like that. I picked up my book, and continued my reading and smiled.

So this is just ONE advice from her. There might be more to come. She's my Malaysian Yasmin Mogahed so bear with me.

Sebuah Kisah Klasik

Bismillah.

I was on the bus, making my way to the Andersonian Library when I listened to Sebuah Kisah Klasik.

'bersenang-senanglah karna waktu ini yang kan kita banggakan'

And I can't help but remember one of the best memories that I had here, right here, in the land of Far Far Away. And I told myself when I arrive at the library the first thing I'm gonna do is write this down, so that I remember how I felt, and will always appreciate that moment, this feeling no matter what happens next.

It was a cold day. Wet, cold and I was tired. But I had friends everywhere, everyone was busy doing something, going somewhere, the ecstasy of the Malaysian atmosphere was too much, it seems suffocating.

I had a game that day. It was netball, wasn't my forte but it was closest to basketball so, I played anyway. I lost my first game, I wan't happy but since I didn't cared much, it didn't affect me. I was wrong in a way. All I cared and wanted to do was to see some basketball and meet my brother go get some coffee or something, snap some pictures with him, call the family and enjoy some Malaysian food.

Things changed for me when I saw him. I swear, my heart beat so fast, I felt warm in that 2 or 3 Celsius morning. Macam mana nak describe. *I told myself I wont' be able to describe how i felt because it was so intense* I never thought I would be able to see him. *yes. SEE. just SEE* him, but I did anyway. I had this crush on him back at home, and lo and behold, Allah bawak dia sini, Allah temukan aku dengan dia. Yes. TEMU.

I never dreamt of talking to him. Never.  But I was so flabbergasted by the whole mumbo-jumbo takdir thingy, I called up Ejat and asked him;

"ape ayat cool nak approach orang?"

He laughed of course. Knowing what kind of person I am *this so called-I dont-care, selebet,slumber,serabai girl who eats 12' inch pizza in 7 minutes* I guess he didn't see this coming. Me, giddy and asking for wingman services.

But I pulled up all  my courage, as the saying in For you I will by Teddy Geiger, I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have. And just, talked to him.

I swear, it felt like an EPIC FAIL for me. I don't know what was it like for him, must have seen me like some crazy schoolgirl, stupid ke ape ke macam sumpah awkward gila. But whatever it is, I talked  to him. And it felt surreal, it's like what the.. just happened?? Haha. It was crazy I swear.

I felt giddy ALL DAY. And it gave me this adrenaline rush, so much so, I won every netball game after that, I was guarded by two  people in EVERY game, and I had the best time of my life. What happened next was a breeze. I met my brother, he treated me chinese food, we had a good walk together, called mak, ayah, he hugged me before parting and told me;

"I'm happy to see that you are happy"

His literal words. Masha Allah, I cannot thank Allah enough for that day. The day, I spoke to someone I liked so much, never had the courage or imagination that I would get the chance to just know him, talk to him. The day that I enjoyed good, great chemistry in netball.  My teammates were awesome. Funny, caring, cool and just damn right fast. The day that I meet my brother. And got a hug for him. Just remembering this hug, his words, bagi aku semangat. *yes I'm in my study week now*

SSome other things happened to me next. Regarding this crush of mine. But that's not the point. I just want to remember this particular day, what it felt like, that surging adrenaline, crush rush, what it felt like, going up to your crush and idiotically introducing yourself. It sounds stupid and awkward but Allah made it in such a way that.. I'm thankful it happened.

he might read this. God forbid he does and he knows who I'm talking about because he reads and blogs too. But if he does, I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable. This is just how I feel, I like to write, I've been writing since I was in primary school, and I just want to remember this for as long as I live. It's okay if you won't talk or approach or if you see me somewhere in Malaysia or UK or on earth for that matter and you just look away. I'm just glad Allah gave me this courage, this rezeki to talk to you. This experience has been; awesome.

I'm weird I know. And in so many ways. And I'm smiling now because I like being weird and funny and I just don't care anymore. I'll just believe in Allah and what He has planned for me and I know this seems like its not personal because I wrote in on my blog, but I just think blogging is way more convenient than writing on paper and I'm talking nonsense now but.. here goes. Thank you Allah for the 9th November 2013. And the days to come.

My walk with my brother.

Pretty much sums the day. Haha. Close to perfect. Memang sebuah kisah klasik untuk masa depan.