A note to Maslin and the lovers of my life

Bismillah.

An overdue piece, one of the biggest highlights of coming here; was getting both a scholarship and a job placement.

Trust me; I am the Last person you would expect to get a scholarship. Call it bad luck or rezeki or what it really is, Allah did not make it in a way that I would get a scholarship OR a loan for that matter, ever since I graduated high school up until now. I’m not saying that I should get a scholarship but I’ve tried so many times and never fail, to FAIL getting the money. But I do remember myself in the past; I wasn’t the best person to trust with money. I was flaky, I had dreamy stupid dreams of getting married early, I had no idea about my career or no big thoughts, ambitions and such. I was really immature.

But, through all those times, I had people who believed in me. Somehow, they have never fail to continuously tell me that I am smart and I deserve better and that Allah has better plans for me while I was cursing and at that point, I gave up on myself so many times. There were times, when I was doing the things I did, just because people tell me to do so, not because I wanted to do it or because I believe in what I was doing.

So, I have my dad. When I was 17, I had a boyfriend and Ayah, being the loving man he was, he accepted this bloke into the family just because he knew that’s what makes me happy. I was really selfish, flaky, and stupid and at 17, career or studies wasn’t really the focal point of my life. But Ayah loved me anyways, trusted me with this guy, supported me when I changed courses, gave up on going overseas.. He’d always say I’m the studious one.. But really, I’m not. He just..trusted me with all the stupid things I did. I will never be able to explain why. It’s crazy having someone trusting you that much.

And then I have my mother, always, always always telling me to NEVER stop believing in Allah. There were many times that I gave up. I kinda resolved that maybe Allah has decided this and this for me and this is what I deserve. Maybe I’m just some crappy average girl who will live an average life, and I’ve settled for that. Truth be told, I’m 70% giving up on finding someone who will love me as passionately. Marriage wise, I’ve given up and put it at the far end of my head. That’s how little faith I have and I know it’s bad and I know that Allah’s power is endless. But I’m just ugh.. Ma always tell me to trust in Him. I’m too impatient and rash.

And then.. I have my friends. Those who really stayed with me, consoled me, told me that it is with Allah’s will that I’m here, that I didn’t get scholarship, told me that I’m smart; too smart for boys and drama, tells me that I’m awesome, beautiful in every way (I’m not exaggerating, they tell me this), tells me I’m funny and friendly and prays for me Masha Allah. I have friends that hear me through my lifelong drama of family problems, studies, money, boys.. you name it. I have friends that loved me even when I was a goofy, nerdy geek, a swearing sailor and when I was broken and messed up.

And for all of this, I am eternally grateful.

I realized this, when I got this scholarship from USIM. That 7 years of continuous failing makes me a whole lot more appreciative of what I’m having now. Appreciative of those who stood up for me when I was stupid and broken. I really did worked hard to get up to this point; but I would have never made it without the support, love and the reverse psychology I got from the people in my life.

But most of all, the magic was, Allah made it in such a way.. man. It’s just indescribable. I never thought of myself, as a person, capable of doing what I am doing right now. Allah is Great.

So.. Dear Maslin.

I promised you a writing. That was my story.. It’s been a really long journey for me to get up to this point and some might have it even worse. Last year, no. 2 years ago, I just broke up, got my ligament torn and I had the worst results in my entire undergraduate studies. It seemed as I wasn’t going anywhere fancy or heading for a bright future.

It’s a very stressful environment if you keep comparing yourself to others or if you keep on seeing what you lose or lost for that matter. When I lost sort of everything, I let go. I stop wanting things, stop wishing for the lost memories or what I could have. I just lived my life as best as I could, lived in the present and as far as I could remember, things went uphill from there.

Dear Maslin, you were the best, friend I have ever made over a short time. And as a friend, or adik, I would say, the best struggles, be it hard or small are for the best kinds of people. Life isn’t all about jobs or money, or marriage or statuses. We keep forgetting that. In the end, what we are with or IN the eyes of Allah is what matters. So stay strong and stay cool. Just the way you always are. Things will change for the better J

I’m 2 days from the news; and I am still overwhelmed. Masha Allah. 

Hidayah A. Azmi 2

Bismillah,

Dear Besa,

You make me believe in the power of friendship! Mantap!

Thank you so much for the reply. It's kinda stupid we're replying via blogging like its for all the world to see. But I just felt obliged to return the favor.

Whenever someone treats me nicely, or just blow my heart away, i just go speechless, I always question my deeds or what did I do that made me deserve this. Allah Maha Kaya. It's funny because I just want to say thank you for your priceless reply, suntikan semangat and such, but I'm speechless.

To be honest, this year, is by far the year where I have the most people expressing their believe in me, their confidence, their willingness to trust in my capabilities and my worth. You're one of that people.

I miss our stupid times together too. The stupid car rides, my stupid tears and yours. Remember I cried in the car pasal Muze and I called you? That was an epic moment. I don't however miss my money going down the drain because of our clothes bought that we didn't wear though. Lol. But I do miss heading down Bangsar to curb your Bangsar fetish. I miss how you always ask me for advice but never do it lol. I miss telling you "I told you so". I miss being crappy with you.

But I would also like to tell you that, I'm now okay. And that, I'm back into my religious mood-bla-bla-bla (aku bukanlah baik sangat but we both know we're heading there slowly). And I would like to say that, I underestimated the power of Doa, and that.. I just need to be patient.

I know we're both heading very different lives and it just could be that we're diverging more as we progress through life. I may not always be with you or be there for you like before. But aku pernah dengar pepatah, jangan simpan orang dalam hati sebab hati tu sempit. Simpan orang tu dalam doa sebab doa tu seluas langit. Something macam tu la. I don't need to tell you but you know that you, and the rest of our stupid and crazy friends are always in my prayers.

I hate being mushy too but this was an exception. Thank you for your awesome reply. No words can describe how much it meant and helped me get up and just set my mood on fire to do the things I should be doing. Oh and anyway, kau tau kan yang aku believe in your potential jugak. And I think you're just as brilliant, if not more than I am lol. Malaysia is sort of.. limiting your talent ;) But like I said, sometime in the future, I'll be saying to you, "I told you so"

Love you always, in times of joy and hardships. I won't be there for you always, but I pray Allah will.

p/s: Lega Maiman ada utk kau. In some ways. lol

Hidayah A. Azmi

Bismillah. I am sorry.

Dear Besa,

I would imagine that I'm writing a handwritten letter to you but it takes so long to get to you and I think if I were to do that I'd probably won't write this (hich is a good thing and you'll know why).

Again, I promise you, brutal honesty in words and in content.

You are my bitchy friend. And that is both a good and a bad thing. Good in a sense, that I am not an angel or one of those girls who wears perfectly long clothes like we are supposed to wear, and polite ans a feather, soft as the breeze. I still swear, I swear a lot, I fall in love easily and hard and I hate my heart. And I am thankful, forever thankful and Alhamdulillah for a friend like you although you're now busy with work, your bf, masters and so many other Malaysian things. Which I understand completely.

For now, I'm immersing myself with work just so I don't get sad. Because, I think I'm falling for someone again.

God I hate my heart.

I swear so many times that I've prayed that Allah would just take it away or just kill my love for the world and everything in it.

And this person I'm falling for, I swear this will be the ONLY time I'm writing about it.

We used to be great friends. Like, I've never met a guy that caring or genuine or original in my entire life. And we have so much in common. And we share our music. Our money, and our secrets. And it seems sometimes, I could go the distance. Forget some people and focus on my life here. Everything seemed alright and so.. carefree with him around. Like I have my second best friend.

But I came back from London one day, and everything changed. He just sort of, distanced himself away from me. I tried harder, to be cool or whatever it was I was like before I went to London, and I felt like I'm not being myself. So, I hated it, and stopped trying.

And I distanced myself. And prayed. And prayed hard.

By now, I'm still sad because this time, I feel like I'm losing a friend, rather than just erasing a stupid crush I once had. And you, Besa, yes you; are hundreds of miles away and I used to bitch about things to you everytime something crappy comes up and honestly, you don't really give me the best advice but you, accept me when I swear and curse.

And I need that, because I'm just that.

It's sort of bad that I need you to hear me curse but a part of me feels better after cursing to you, like you really know what I feel like saying but I think I've been patient for so long, I know what I should have done is pray, and said astaghfirullah, and start posting something really religious like I always do.

I mean, I believe in what I post but now, this.. Is just on the brim of my patience and I think I'm about to break up.

I absolutely hate it when I have guy problems. I feel sick, stupid and really flaky. And God, I swear, I have a good and intelligent brain and I'm not gonna let some stupid guy problem turn me into a hopeless romantic. But I swear it's just fucking hard sometimes. Being strong all the time.

I did ask you to read this. Thank you for your time. And if you want to be as equally sweet as I am, write something up. I don't care if it sounds stupid but I want you to know it will make me feel a whole lot better.

Million-miles-away, genuine and busy, secretly wishing and forever believing in the power of prayers,

Liyana Azmi

Doa ini untuk kau

Bismillah, Dengan nama Allah, yang Maha Penyayang.

'Because He will never leave you, He understands that you are delicate and needs to be handled with care'- Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan

Aku sembang dengan Sarah tadi. Aku cerita perihal pria yang aku suka tu. He Who Must Not Be Named. Sarah tanya aku, "Korang bertukar nombor? Dah lama kenal la ni?"
Aku balas, "Dia tau la kewujudan aku. Aku mampu doa je untuk dia"

Dan saat tu aku cakap, (sebab idea tu datang waktu tu) 'at least, aku dekat dengan Allah sebab aku mendoakan dia'

Kelakar. Kalau lah aku realize benda ni sama macam bila aku mendoakan benda-benda lain dalam hidup aku.

THE day. I've been waiting for

In the name of Allah, The Greatest, All-Knowing, The Reliever, The Generous and The Most Merciful.

I've been waiting for today. For quite a long time. There are some many words that i need to put into detail but I'd just skip the descriptions and what not, and go straight to the point.

1. I got my bands from the gradient PCR. It sounds so insignificant, but I swear it is important to me. Because that means now, I can move on with my project and that I'm one step closer to getting results and start my writing. That ALSO means that, THERE IS NOTHING wrong with my lab skills. That ALSO means, that it wasn't my fault I didn't get results before. Someone misplaced my samples and forgot to tell me they did. I was too happy to get annoyed anyway. I literally teared up at the desktop. And sort of start 'Yeeeesssss!!!' and the technician looked at me in a weird way, and I did a little jump across the lab corridor, squealed in my supervisor's room, Donal was like 'you're noisy, get out' shocked face but he thought it was funny. But I got it anyway. It was clear, nice bands.
   
2. It snowed. Like, HALE snow. And I thought I wasn't excited but on the brink of the event, a lecturer stood beside me, and said. Oh my, it's snowing. Everyone was literally stamping their faces on the lab window. The Spaniard group in front of me were ecstatic. I dropped my stuff, pipettes and all, ran into the office, grabbed my phone and was like 'OMG its snowing! I'm gonna call my mom!' I ran, and Anne followed after me, (she thinks I'm hilarious, never seeing snow) and called after me "Don't forget to get Shira with yeh!!" And I'm like 'Yeah! Yeah!' I stood outside, and it was this soft white slush on the grounds, And suddenly.. BAM! I got hit by a snowball. Maria and her lab mates were already there. They were laughing and gushing. We snapped some good pictures, and for quite awhile, we didn't chat about our projects, we talked about how soft snow was, how our home didn't have snow, and how we forgot how cold it was then. At this point, Anne, told me,  "You got yer bands today, and it snowed on the same day. This day has been perfect so far". I got scared because I didn't want to be TOO happy. But I was thankful nonetheless. And I thought.. if only he  would text me..
3. The trick was, He did. In the morning. And when I came home, we chatted for awhile. I wasn't as hyped or as crazy as I was about him like last year. But, it just made my day better. And when I thought it couldn't get any better..
4. I was in the bus, on my way home, making playlists of what songs I want to play on the piano, with my dad and my siblings when I get back home. And then, I came across a song, Aizat gave to me. And I'm like, oh. No one would play this for me but him. And I started to think that maybe I should text him to play this again for me. (its one of my stupid random thoughts. I never did anything THAT stupid again now. Alhamdulillah) but anyway, I tried recalling his number.. BUT I CAN'T. I don't remember. it was 0193612433 or 2433? I'm not sure. I really don't remember, I'm not sure, it's vague and a WAVE of happiness surged upon me. I. Forgot. His. Number. I'm finally moving on, and now, I'm at peace with myself.
5. I rewarded myself with another round of movie. This time, 'Unbeatable' and the soundtrack theme, 'The Sound of Silence' keeps playing on and on. This feels nice. 

I know it's not fair to only remind myself of Allah at times of extreme happiness and sadness. I know I do that. I'm not perfect, I'm eons, miles away from it. But Allah has a way of pulling me closer back to Him. Subhanallah. I almost gave up, felt like giving up so many times. But He is always there. And He promised. 

" If my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

I meant to write this a week ago

In the Name of Allah, THE Most Gracious, Merciful, Able and Great.

A week ago, I went to Istanbul with my high-school friends, Najah and Feefa. It was the trip to remember and oh for so many reasons.

We are turning 25, single, finishing our studies insya Allah by the end of this year and we are, miles and miles away from home. 

The reason why I wrote this: Was a message to our remaining, tight-knit, close friends in Malaysia.

It is what we (what I felt, at least) when we were together. 

Istanbul, was beautiful for me because of the people. They were nice, generally speaking for all Turkish people, (we met good ones during our trip). It was most beautiful because of my friends.

And we stayed at the dormitories. So we got a feeling of high-school all over again. And before we doze off to sleep, we talk and did so many funny things like we used to when we were studying together back in high-school.

One of the topics were, that you guys, (girls) are getting married when we're still here. 

And that we're missing out on the conversation all the time because of both time difference and our hectic schedule. This time, I'm not crapping around, it's so busy, we forget to eat. 

Being friends, with my girls in high-school has been THE best experience of my childhood. And for girls like us, it is only imperative that we dream of bachelorette parties, gushing over wedding dresses, the last single-ism hugs, watching that akad, realizing that you're gonna lose part of your girlfriend to a guy, a great guy that's gonna marry and take care of her. And you realize, you can't kidnap her from her house for burgers or mamak or karoke anytime you want to anymore.

You realize, she's going to be someone's wife. And your argument is now invalid. 

You're still friends, good, close friends but lets face it.

 We're all heading our own ways sometime later in our lives.

And I wish, more than anything that I could be part of this big step in your (you guys know who you are) lives especially in this big, big, BIG moment. It's not like its happening tomorrow but you get what I mean.

Us, here, we think about 'that special someone' most of the time too. But we're okay. For now. Ha Ha.

We, will do our best, wherever we are, to pray for your happiness.. and our friendship.

To all the stupid, sweet and unforgettable memories we had, and ones we're gonna make in the future.

And this is a Rumi poetry that Najah once told me,

She said: Niat itu penting. Saidina Ali pernah cancel nak bunuh opponent dalam perang sebab opponent dia ludah kat dia. Dia takut dia bunuh sebab marah. 

Najah used a particular sentence at the end of this poetry that describes the friendship with my long high-school friends, perfectly. 

It is the one highlighted and italic at the end of this poetry.

To the ones I miss back home.

Ali in Battle-Rumi

Learn from Ali how to fight
without your ego participating.

God's Lion did nothing
that didn't originate
from his deep center.

Once in battle he got the best of a certain knight
and quickly drew his sword. The man,
helpless on the ground, spat
in Ali's face. Ali dropped his sword,
relaxed, and helped the man to his feet.

"Why have you spared me?
How has lightning contracted back
into its cloud? Speak, my prince,
so that my soul can begin to stir
in my like an embryo."

Ali was quiet and then finally answered,
"I am God's Lion, not the lion of passion.
The sun is my lord. I have no longing
except for the One.

When a wind of personal reaction comes,
I do not go along with it.

There are many winds full of anger,
and lust and greed. They move the rubbish
around, but the solid mountain of our true nature
stays where it's always been.

There's nothing now
except the divine qualities.
Come through the opening into me.

Your impudence was better than any reverence,
because in this moment I am you and you are me.

I give you this opened heart as God gives gifts:
the poison of your spit has become
the honey of friendship.

Sam Berns

In the Name of Allah, Ar-Rahman, The Most Merciful

I was reading some of my own posts, thinking about what I thought over some time ago, pimples, PCR bands, friends, money, boys and such. And I had problems everywhere. I'm just constantly thinking about my problems. they're like.. something I can create out of thin air. That's how much my problems are.

From the moment I wake up, fighting the cold, to catch the bus, oh, no seats. Reaching the lab late, now I have to thaw my stuff, doing 5 hours of PCR, no bands, going back in the rain, alone, cook, watch some runningman and constantly watching  my phone waiting for someone to reach me, approvals on instagram and facebook.. and finally doze off to sleep.

You see, the reason I write is to get a bitter realization that my problems are actually not that big, to the extent that they are ridiculous. Most of the times after I finish writing, I read it and find my posts immature. But real.

Because I'm far from perfection.

Last night I saw a video about a 17-yr old boy named Sam Berns, he was born with progeria, a rare genetically inherited disease which causes him to age pre-maturely. In other words, he becomes old in a jiffy. But Masha Allah, what he said, what state he was, how he was with it, his words, touched me so much. It made me feel like im such an ungrateful person, so immature, so consumed with MY own problems, SO sucked up, worked up with problems that other people might even dream of having..


 To Sam Berns.

Muka dan resolusi

With the Mercy of Allah and His Love

I talked to my mother this morning, she asked me to give up chocolates so that I won't have pimples on my face. And I'm like what's the point? What's the point kalau ada jerawat pun kat muka? I mean, when I eat or DON'T eat chocolates they're still there. I eat my vitamins, drink water, jog and stuff but it's STILL there. Whatever I DO they're STILL THERE.

Me and my pimples, we're best friends, they never left me. No siree.

And I'm like, "Ma, what's the point? Duniawi je semua ni" and she's like "No, its not duniawi, Tuhan gave u a nice face it's your job to take care of it" and I'm like "I've done everything I could, you CAN'T possibly ask me to give up chocolates for this," and in my little heart 'I'll literally die' and it cried for a bit.

So, for my mother, for my beautiful face, for Allah, in the Name of Allah; I will stop eating chocolates.

*This is by far, one of the biggest sacrifice for my mother. I mean she did say, kalau nak muka macam tu it's your choice. But I know, I know, she wants me to be pretty and flawless and perfect, but I'm not that! I just gave up on that.. wait, that was never in my list. Or goal. Maybe I should make it as a resolution. Have a nice face. Without pimples, by NOT eating chocolates.

Yana gone mushy level muntah rainbow

Bismillah

#dalam 3-4 minit, cinta high class by ustazah fatimah

#2 minit, by prof. muhaya

Ye aku segan nak mengaku, dulu aku punya skeptikal kat orang-orang yang dok post video-video macam ni. La ni, aku yang buat.

Dah nama start dari bawah, dulu banyak mengarut lagi dari ingat Allah.

Sekarang? wallahualam, ikhlas takat mana hati aku pon Allah yang lebih Mengetahui.

Aku jugak segan nak mengaku, aku mencari jugak.

Umoq nak cecah 25 dah. 

Uci dah risau, tapi mak aku tetap the coolest.

Katanya, trust in Allah, jodoh itu Dia akan sampaikan pada masa yang betul.

Ada la, orang dok ejas aku.

Tapi wallahualam, Allah dah tautkan hati aku kat seseorang yang tak kenal aku sangat pun.

Bila aku tengok video ni, rasa tenang sikit.

Adala rasa kurang cool post benda-benda macam ni.

Tapi fikir balik, aku bukan budak.

Mati tu bila-bila masa.

Elok la post benda berfaedah.

Apa la sangat pandangan orang.

Bukan depa yang jamin aku akhirat selamat ke, bagi makan kat aku ke.