bismillah.
I thought I'd be so happy and/or busy taht I would find no time at all to write. at one point, I thought my passion of ranting to a blank space on the computer would die.
Again, I always question myself, what is the point of writing here? no one reads it. and somebody does, would they even care? or ponder about what I'm writing. If I am writing to change minds or SHAPE minds for that matter, why not make it public. Because its too personal. so I continue to rant here.
married life, is truly a different dimension altogether. I refuse to submit myself into those women who dress like they're 40s dengan tudung indon and unfashionable clothing. I intend to look my best for my husband, in and outdoors. I also intend to think and be young at heart. and thus, brings me to why I am writing today.
Being young at heart, I still have a mind of a highschooler. I care about what my colleagues think, I'm scared of saying the uncool things. Scared of asking. Scared of being left out.
you'd think, that I won't have any speaking or writing problems in English. Well folks, I do.
again and again, I can't think in English when I'm nervous. and sometimes, I try to say something cool but end up saying something stupid in the end. Why do I have to say something cool in the first place? Because I want to be part of the group, blend in, be in a lab family. Because that's what those science articles tell me what I should be. Because that's what my mother had when she did her PhD. Because I wanted to belong somewhere.
And now I have this miserable problem of making my science to work, but trying, struggling somehow. breaking my ego everytime I do something stupid or ask something stupid. I know it's a scientist list of phases-to-go-through. But, not feeling like I belong, and having an English/cultural problem is affecting me. I know this and I hate it that it affects me.
Sometimes, watching people who don't care, who are oblivious, who are comfortable in their own skin envies me to the core. I wish so much that I have more of that.
My husband says I shouldnt care. That I'm not in highschool anymore. He's right. Always is and will be.
But in the end, all in all, writing this out DOES relief me to some point.
