bismillah.
I thought I'd be so happy and/or busy taht I would find no time at all to write. at one point, I thought my passion of ranting to a blank space on the computer would die.
Again, I always question myself, what is the point of writing here? no one reads it. and somebody does, would they even care? or ponder about what I'm writing. If I am writing to change minds or SHAPE minds for that matter, why not make it public. Because its too personal. so I continue to rant here.
married life, is truly a different dimension altogether. I refuse to submit myself into those women who dress like they're 40s dengan tudung indon and unfashionable clothing. I intend to look my best for my husband, in and outdoors. I also intend to think and be young at heart. and thus, brings me to why I am writing today.
Being young at heart, I still have a mind of a highschooler. I care about what my colleagues think, I'm scared of saying the uncool things. Scared of asking. Scared of being left out.
you'd think, that I won't have any speaking or writing problems in English. Well folks, I do.
again and again, I can't think in English when I'm nervous. and sometimes, I try to say something cool but end up saying something stupid in the end. Why do I have to say something cool in the first place? Because I want to be part of the group, blend in, be in a lab family. Because that's what those science articles tell me what I should be. Because that's what my mother had when she did her PhD. Because I wanted to belong somewhere.
And now I have this miserable problem of making my science to work, but trying, struggling somehow. breaking my ego everytime I do something stupid or ask something stupid. I know it's a scientist list of phases-to-go-through. But, not feeling like I belong, and having an English/cultural problem is affecting me. I know this and I hate it that it affects me.
Sometimes, watching people who don't care, who are oblivious, who are comfortable in their own skin envies me to the core. I wish so much that I have more of that.
My husband says I shouldnt care. That I'm not in highschool anymore. He's right. Always is and will be.
But in the end, all in all, writing this out DOES relief me to some point.
Monday, 7 September 2015
Saturday, 4 April 2015
3 Death-y books
bersawang dah blog aku.
Amazingly, I have passed 6 months of holiday, my longest holiday yet. And if you ask me what I did over the past 6 months, I'd say to you son; I. have. no. idea. Upfront, I'm really ashamed I cant come up with a good excuse except getting engaged and preparing for PhD, but deep down, I'm enjoying every minute of the nothingness I've created. There is no such thing as time wasted, after-all, time wasted is equivalent to time spent.
I'm heading back to the UK in 20 more days. So, I'll be stocking up on ridiculously delish, fattening, not-good-for-you, local delicacies. And yes, the past 6 months was the most pressured months I've ever had my entire life. No kidding.
Why?
Well, mainly because I was somewhat told and expected to be pretty and flawless. Being pretty was never my concern until now, when I wanna get hitched to an insanely good-looking man. But whatever to that. What I really wanted to talk about was the 3 books I read to pass the time.
Boring.Boring. Shoo if you're not interested! But now, I understand a little bit of the minds of introverts. Books really take you into a different world and if you are what you eat, well, you are what you read.
I'd usually take on an interesting, funny, quirky book. My favorite would and always be the Gilmore Girls series; I love you, you idiot. Never fails to pick me up. Maybe I should re-read it..
But I spent my time on Mahathir's A doctor in the house, and it gave me a spending epiphany. Moved on to Letters to the Dead, If I Stay, and Looking for Alaska. And ALL of them had something to do with death innit! Don't wanna be a spoiler for y'all but every single one of these books had someone who died and it was amazingly depressing for me. And I have never been so depressed after reading a book. And my fiance's away. and Thank you very much books for making me VERY HAPPY when I needed it most. But anyway, in the end, death must come to everyone and somehow, it made me into a darker person but being able to look at death at a different perspective.
So, if I dont enlighten myself with a better book in the near future, I'd continue to be a deep philosophical dark death-y person. That's all. Any suggestions for a perky book is highly appreciated thanks! :)
Amazingly, I have passed 6 months of holiday, my longest holiday yet. And if you ask me what I did over the past 6 months, I'd say to you son; I. have. no. idea. Upfront, I'm really ashamed I cant come up with a good excuse except getting engaged and preparing for PhD, but deep down, I'm enjoying every minute of the nothingness I've created. There is no such thing as time wasted, after-all, time wasted is equivalent to time spent.
I'm heading back to the UK in 20 more days. So, I'll be stocking up on ridiculously delish, fattening, not-good-for-you, local delicacies. And yes, the past 6 months was the most pressured months I've ever had my entire life. No kidding.
Why?
Well, mainly because I was somewhat told and expected to be pretty and flawless. Being pretty was never my concern until now, when I wanna get hitched to an insanely good-looking man. But whatever to that. What I really wanted to talk about was the 3 books I read to pass the time.
Boring.Boring. Shoo if you're not interested! But now, I understand a little bit of the minds of introverts. Books really take you into a different world and if you are what you eat, well, you are what you read.
I'd usually take on an interesting, funny, quirky book. My favorite would and always be the Gilmore Girls series; I love you, you idiot. Never fails to pick me up. Maybe I should re-read it..
But I spent my time on Mahathir's A doctor in the house, and it gave me a spending epiphany. Moved on to Letters to the Dead, If I Stay, and Looking for Alaska. And ALL of them had something to do with death innit! Don't wanna be a spoiler for y'all but every single one of these books had someone who died and it was amazingly depressing for me. And I have never been so depressed after reading a book. And my fiance's away. and Thank you very much books for making me VERY HAPPY when I needed it most. But anyway, in the end, death must come to everyone and somehow, it made me into a darker person but being able to look at death at a different perspective.
So, if I dont enlighten myself with a better book in the near future, I'd continue to be a deep philosophical dark death-y person. That's all. Any suggestions for a perky book is highly appreciated thanks! :)
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Shift of Focus
Bismillah.
Alhamdulillah I'm someone's fiancee now!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be someone's wife, daughter in law and sister in law!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be part of my husband's family!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be fulfilling mine and my fiance's deen!
Alhamdulillah for both happiness and trials that will come, and please Dear Allah, give me and my future husband and our families the strength and patience to overcome this.
Alhamdulillah for having mercy upon me and my fiance, for blessing us with the love that has now and hopefully continue to bloom for each other, for generations to come, right to the hereafter.
Alhamdulillah for the countless blessings You have bestowed upon me and my family and my friends.
Alhamdulillah, for now, I have shifted my focus.
Before I got engaged to my fiance, I didn't really acknowledge the fact that maybe I am in love irrevocably, head over heels for him. But I had faith that Allah is those with good niat and those who put their faith in Him. And I took that leap of faith. We took that leap of faith. And what came after was a beautiful feeling that made me forget all my past, that felt as if all my mistakes were pardoned, was forgotten. It was as if, now, with this guy in my life, I have a new paper to start on, a new life to build, together with him. And that meant the whole world to me. For he a God-loving person as well and I am forever thankful for that. I can never ever take this for granted, for everything I ever asked for in my prayers, as of now, is exactly what I see in my future husband. Allah is Great.
Before I got engaged, I was single, lived a single life. I hated weddings and the fuss, I even said some crappy stuff about people who were too obsessed with their weddings. I dissed them, I couldn't understand what the big deal was. But now, being here, with my own wedding coming up within a couple of months, I understand. I understand why they don't care about everyone else, I understand why they have shifted their focus.
It's a bit hard to explain how being in love with someone makes you put everything else aside. I never really thought I could love someone and do that. Never thought that I actually would give in, calm myself down or be patient for someone. If I gave this post to my single person I would probably go Bah! What poppycock is this. some stupid fluff and stuff.
But I guess, when Allah has gave you that kind of love for someone, you don't really want to let it go to waste, you'd do anything to protect it, you put everything else aside. Priorities change, and in time, who knows insha Allah it will change again, probably for my child. It is certainly something only understandable when you're in that position.
But nevertheless, to love the gift, is to love the Giver more. Again, Alhamdulillah for the shift of focus :)
Alhamdulillah I'm someone's fiancee now!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be someone's wife, daughter in law and sister in law!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be part of my husband's family!
Alhamdulillah I'm going to be fulfilling mine and my fiance's deen!
Alhamdulillah for both happiness and trials that will come, and please Dear Allah, give me and my future husband and our families the strength and patience to overcome this.
Alhamdulillah for having mercy upon me and my fiance, for blessing us with the love that has now and hopefully continue to bloom for each other, for generations to come, right to the hereafter.
Alhamdulillah for the countless blessings You have bestowed upon me and my family and my friends.
Alhamdulillah, for now, I have shifted my focus.
Before I got engaged to my fiance, I didn't really acknowledge the fact that maybe I am in love irrevocably, head over heels for him. But I had faith that Allah is those with good niat and those who put their faith in Him. And I took that leap of faith. We took that leap of faith. And what came after was a beautiful feeling that made me forget all my past, that felt as if all my mistakes were pardoned, was forgotten. It was as if, now, with this guy in my life, I have a new paper to start on, a new life to build, together with him. And that meant the whole world to me. For he a God-loving person as well and I am forever thankful for that. I can never ever take this for granted, for everything I ever asked for in my prayers, as of now, is exactly what I see in my future husband. Allah is Great.
Before I got engaged, I was single, lived a single life. I hated weddings and the fuss, I even said some crappy stuff about people who were too obsessed with their weddings. I dissed them, I couldn't understand what the big deal was. But now, being here, with my own wedding coming up within a couple of months, I understand. I understand why they don't care about everyone else, I understand why they have shifted their focus.
It's a bit hard to explain how being in love with someone makes you put everything else aside. I never really thought I could love someone and do that. Never thought that I actually would give in, calm myself down or be patient for someone. If I gave this post to my single person I would probably go Bah! What poppycock is this. some stupid fluff and stuff.
But I guess, when Allah has gave you that kind of love for someone, you don't really want to let it go to waste, you'd do anything to protect it, you put everything else aside. Priorities change, and in time, who knows insha Allah it will change again, probably for my child. It is certainly something only understandable when you're in that position.
But nevertheless, to love the gift, is to love the Giver more. Again, Alhamdulillah for the shift of focus :)
Monday, 22 December 2014
This is it.
Bismillah.
Bersawang blog ni. Besa ada cakap, update la. It kind seems a bit weird I guess, me not writing with this amount of free time on my hands.
So.. it is a Monday evening, I'm listening to Cigarette by The Wreckers, the singer's ranting about being cheated or leaving someone again. 'Someday I dont have to prove, but until then I'll just do fine on my own, with my cigarettes and this old dirt road'. It's raining, and now Cee Lo's singing F*uck you. Apparently this is my emo playlist.
I just got home, and I was sitting on the floor, listening to good music while staring at my engagement dress. I was scrutinizing on the details, how I asked the tailor to make it loose, now I think it's a bit too loose, but it's fine because I just want to be comfortable in it. I was texting my fiance'-to-be, when The Wreckers came into my playlist and it hit me.
This dress, (duh) means that I'm getting engaged. This week insya Allah. And listening to my playlist, I remembered all my past relationships, the ones that didn't work out, how I felt drained, the tears and fights, dramas and how sick I was with every one of them. And then, looking at the dress, with all its glory, (it looked a bit like what Lady Galadriel would have worn on a daily basis) thinking that I'm here, right now, I've found someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life, and if I'd get a bit more mushy, my other half, my team mate, that soon, I'd be one half of two.
What's more important, I've came this far.
Things have been surreal for a long time, for 2 months to be exact but it feels right. And looking at this dress, another wave of surrealism hits me, with splashes of flashbacks and a glimpse of who I was a few years ago.
And on this note, I cannot thank Allah enough. I can never ever ever thank Allah enough for there are billions of things that He has blessed me with, and it is way way way incomparable to what I have done in His cause. There was a saying, if Allah grants someone Jannah, it is not because of his or her good deeds because it will never be enough. It will be, purely out of the mercy of Allah.
And right here, right now, with this mossy-green Lady Galadriel apparel I have in my room, with this person whom I'll be sharing my life with, a second family to call my own, and along with every beauty and flaw that comes with it, is purely purely purely out of the will, and mercy of the Ar Rahman.
And to think, I was this crazy (still am) young fierce emotional (wait, I'm still all of those) girl. I guess, macam ayah cakap, I'll be turning into a woman next year. It has been.. One. Heck. Of a. Ride.
And again, I cannot thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah
Bersawang blog ni. Besa ada cakap, update la. It kind seems a bit weird I guess, me not writing with this amount of free time on my hands.
So.. it is a Monday evening, I'm listening to Cigarette by The Wreckers, the singer's ranting about being cheated or leaving someone again. 'Someday I dont have to prove, but until then I'll just do fine on my own, with my cigarettes and this old dirt road'. It's raining, and now Cee Lo's singing F*uck you. Apparently this is my emo playlist.
I just got home, and I was sitting on the floor, listening to good music while staring at my engagement dress. I was scrutinizing on the details, how I asked the tailor to make it loose, now I think it's a bit too loose, but it's fine because I just want to be comfortable in it. I was texting my fiance'-to-be, when The Wreckers came into my playlist and it hit me.
This dress, (duh) means that I'm getting engaged. This week insya Allah. And listening to my playlist, I remembered all my past relationships, the ones that didn't work out, how I felt drained, the tears and fights, dramas and how sick I was with every one of them. And then, looking at the dress, with all its glory, (it looked a bit like what Lady Galadriel would have worn on a daily basis) thinking that I'm here, right now, I've found someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life, and if I'd get a bit more mushy, my other half, my team mate, that soon, I'd be one half of two.
What's more important, I've came this far.
Things have been surreal for a long time, for 2 months to be exact but it feels right. And looking at this dress, another wave of surrealism hits me, with splashes of flashbacks and a glimpse of who I was a few years ago.
And on this note, I cannot thank Allah enough. I can never ever ever thank Allah enough for there are billions of things that He has blessed me with, and it is way way way incomparable to what I have done in His cause. There was a saying, if Allah grants someone Jannah, it is not because of his or her good deeds because it will never be enough. It will be, purely out of the mercy of Allah.
And right here, right now, with this mossy-green Lady Galadriel apparel I have in my room, with this person whom I'll be sharing my life with, a second family to call my own, and along with every beauty and flaw that comes with it, is purely purely purely out of the will, and mercy of the Ar Rahman.
And to think, I was this crazy (still am) young fierce emotional (wait, I'm still all of those) girl. I guess, macam ayah cakap, I'll be turning into a woman next year. It has been.. One. Heck. Of a. Ride.
And again, I cannot thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah
Friday, 21 November 2014
PDA
And of course I need to do this now, right in the heat of composing my proposal, my dateline less than 36 hours.
I wonder why people keep on posting stuff about their marriages online.
I also know that by right if there is anything annoying me right in the gut, I can just unfollow or hide them and life will be simpler. But being me, overthinking as always, becoming philosophical on the side, I think I now know why.
I was thinking, why people don't post pictures of themselves going out with their parents or their siblings as much as when they're married. Or maybe they do and I'm just someone that doesn't notice these things. Sometimes I wonder why people over expose their love lives on the media. Why publicize something so special and private?
Why tell everyone you're dating?
Why show your marriage pictures again and again and again and again and AGAIN?
Maybe I'm not as extroverted as I think but for god sakes people, your love life is yours and yours alone.
I wonder why people keep on posting stuff about their marriages online.
I also know that by right if there is anything annoying me right in the gut, I can just unfollow or hide them and life will be simpler. But being me, overthinking as always, becoming philosophical on the side, I think I now know why.
I was thinking, why people don't post pictures of themselves going out with their parents or their siblings as much as when they're married. Or maybe they do and I'm just someone that doesn't notice these things. Sometimes I wonder why people over expose their love lives on the media. Why publicize something so special and private?
Why tell everyone you're dating?
Why show your marriage pictures again and again and again and again and AGAIN?
Maybe I'm not as extroverted as I think but for god sakes people, your love life is yours and yours alone.
Saturday, 8 November 2014
inspiration
I guess, I can somewhat call my blog sedikit bersawang. And I hope, that's a good sign of myself enjoying life.
It's been a month and a week since I came home from Glasgow. A lot has happened but the reason why I'm writing now is solely because of what happened 3 days ago.
So, I was in Kelantan. Went there to visit old friends, lecturers and just untuk lepas rindu. Allah tahu betapa sayangnya aku kat Kelantan. That night aku sampai, I was jagged, tired but happy as hell. it was 11.30 pm and the moment aku masuk kereta Samah, I screamed with joy. (Mah, thank you sbb jerit skali) Man, it feels good to be home.
The next day, I went to see Dr. Wan Amir. I hugged my best sarcastic friend/ex-roommate Farah and went up to his office and gave him the surprise I intended to. He was with a Biomedical student. A third year I think. And doc said, "Ni lah penulis nobaggage tu" And this guy looked up at me with (dare I say.. awe?) and said "Oh! ni la!! sekarang kerja ke??" I told him I'm in pursuit for a PhD and he said whoa and left..
Dr. Wan Amir told me, he's been telling his students about my blog, that I was an inspiration to some. Golly gee whizz! (Ayah would have said that!)
So, if you're reading and if you do think I am all that, Thank you. Heck, thank you for reading my blog anyway! I was a bit embarrassed sebab I know there's also crap to what I write. Macam pasal kasut basketball la, ex la, emotional rants and anger management. But I think that's essential to life. I'm just like anybody else, I have my stupid problems, I do stupid things, I'm irrational at times. It's kinda stupid that I share that on the internet but I think, it gives a sense of familiarity to everyone else. To let other people know that its okay to be stupid.
And now, being where I am now, I think it's more important to have a dream and to work for it. Somehow somewhere, I realized that some of my dreams are insignificant and that I can actually forget about them. But the big important macam-susah-je-nak-dapat kind of dreams are worth holding onto and worth working for.
So, thanks doc for telling your students about me. I'll be honest, I want to be remembered by, especially in a good way. And to know that someone somewhere looks up to me makes my day.
To the people I met last week, (you know who you are) you're my inspiration. gtuu :P
It's been a month and a week since I came home from Glasgow. A lot has happened but the reason why I'm writing now is solely because of what happened 3 days ago.
So, I was in Kelantan. Went there to visit old friends, lecturers and just untuk lepas rindu. Allah tahu betapa sayangnya aku kat Kelantan. That night aku sampai, I was jagged, tired but happy as hell. it was 11.30 pm and the moment aku masuk kereta Samah, I screamed with joy. (Mah, thank you sbb jerit skali) Man, it feels good to be home.
The next day, I went to see Dr. Wan Amir. I hugged my best sarcastic friend/ex-roommate Farah and went up to his office and gave him the surprise I intended to. He was with a Biomedical student. A third year I think. And doc said, "Ni lah penulis nobaggage tu" And this guy looked up at me with (dare I say.. awe?) and said "Oh! ni la!! sekarang kerja ke??" I told him I'm in pursuit for a PhD and he said whoa and left..
Dr. Wan Amir told me, he's been telling his students about my blog, that I was an inspiration to some. Golly gee whizz! (Ayah would have said that!)
So, if you're reading and if you do think I am all that, Thank you. Heck, thank you for reading my blog anyway! I was a bit embarrassed sebab I know there's also crap to what I write. Macam pasal kasut basketball la, ex la, emotional rants and anger management. But I think that's essential to life. I'm just like anybody else, I have my stupid problems, I do stupid things, I'm irrational at times. It's kinda stupid that I share that on the internet but I think, it gives a sense of familiarity to everyone else. To let other people know that its okay to be stupid.
And now, being where I am now, I think it's more important to have a dream and to work for it. Somehow somewhere, I realized that some of my dreams are insignificant and that I can actually forget about them. But the big important macam-susah-je-nak-dapat kind of dreams are worth holding onto and worth working for.
So, thanks doc for telling your students about me. I'll be honest, I want to be remembered by, especially in a good way. And to know that someone somewhere looks up to me makes my day.
To the people I met last week, (you know who you are) you're my inspiration. gtuu :P
Sunday, 5 October 2014
the only thing I ever loved
I used to love only two things.
1. My siblings
2. My basketball shoes
When I was somewhat younger, I used to think these two things would never hurt me. Im not close enough with my siblings for them to hurt me, I only need to take care for them. When I go out, I come back with food for them. Whatever they need, I provide. Hence, why I'm pushing myself to work and get good money so that I can provide for them when they grow up so that they wont have to rely on my parents and such. Hence why i need to find someone who can they rely upon and like and count on when Im not here. But now, as I have limited time to spend with them, I was hoping for some good old bonding session with them. The thing is, they're all grown up and I realized that I'm too attached to them. When I came home, no one is ever really there to talk to. Semua busy lepak or playing with the computer. Tonight Im busy with the computer. Because that's what they have been doing to me for the past few days. I finished 2 books while Im here and Im going to finish my third one. No one ever talks to anyone. and this is why i like to spend time at feefa's place. no one really understands why I go there but, this is why. this is why I seldom spend my time home.
My second and only love are my basketball shoes. Basketball is hands down, my deep deep die hard passion. But it can hurt me and already did. Physically, mentally, financially haha. I didnt really mind. Because it was all worth it. But shoes? Sure they cost a lot. But my shoes, never hurt me. NEVER. I wore them to the brim. I wore them through rain and shine, on the scorching court, through games, to places. Shoes, to me are valuable and tonight, I learnt that my last pair of basketball shoes, a blue-white nike, has been stolen. and because of that, I choose to isolate myself from the world.
I dont know if anybody will ever understand what this means to me. But I am really really really sad.
1. My siblings
2. My basketball shoes
When I was somewhat younger, I used to think these two things would never hurt me. Im not close enough with my siblings for them to hurt me, I only need to take care for them. When I go out, I come back with food for them. Whatever they need, I provide. Hence, why I'm pushing myself to work and get good money so that I can provide for them when they grow up so that they wont have to rely on my parents and such. Hence why i need to find someone who can they rely upon and like and count on when Im not here. But now, as I have limited time to spend with them, I was hoping for some good old bonding session with them. The thing is, they're all grown up and I realized that I'm too attached to them. When I came home, no one is ever really there to talk to. Semua busy lepak or playing with the computer. Tonight Im busy with the computer. Because that's what they have been doing to me for the past few days. I finished 2 books while Im here and Im going to finish my third one. No one ever talks to anyone. and this is why i like to spend time at feefa's place. no one really understands why I go there but, this is why. this is why I seldom spend my time home.
My second and only love are my basketball shoes. Basketball is hands down, my deep deep die hard passion. But it can hurt me and already did. Physically, mentally, financially haha. I didnt really mind. Because it was all worth it. But shoes? Sure they cost a lot. But my shoes, never hurt me. NEVER. I wore them to the brim. I wore them through rain and shine, on the scorching court, through games, to places. Shoes, to me are valuable and tonight, I learnt that my last pair of basketball shoes, a blue-white nike, has been stolen. and because of that, I choose to isolate myself from the world.
I dont know if anybody will ever understand what this means to me. But I am really really really sad.
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