Bismillah
Just a note to myself. Tonight, and for the days to come.
Jangankan nak bangun pukul 4 untuk Qiam, bercinta dengan Allah susah, nak bangun untuk Boxing day lebih senang.
Jangan nak ingat kat lelaki idaman, jodoh, lebih banyak dari ingat ajal.
Jangan duit lebih susah nak keluar untuk amal jariah, Syria, umat islam dari keluar untuk beli baju, barang branded yang kejar status manusia, kekal di dunia je.
Jangan kalau tak boleh tidur malam, habiskan masa scroll instagram, facebook lebih mudah dari baca bahan ilmiah, dari ingat kat Allah, dari membaca Al-Quran.
Duit, masa, perasaan dan hati semua pemberian Allah. Jangan kedekut nak spend semua tu untuk Allah, bila Allah yang memberi semua ni, dunia aku, kat aku.
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Nabilah
Bismillah
Nabilah is a girl I met during MASUM training. She started basketball when she entered USM and entered MASUM in her first year. Pretty impressive for a first timer. She trains with the chinese, plays with them, and dia sometimes hang out with them although dia tau sometimes, dia tak se-power chinese. Ho lah. State/national players vs what.. 1 year of playing experience?
But the thing is, she's not afraid of stepping out her comfort zone of being friends with only malays and learning new things, learning basketball.
Satu benda aku observe basketball ni, kalau melayu, nak jadi jaguh kampung, and only jaguh kampung. I can't say thats the case for UITM men because they've earned bragging rights for being national champs for 2 consecutive years already. But I notice.. Kebanyakan melayu, lelaki or perempuan, bila main basketball nak main dengan melayu je.
Tak macam Nabilah. She knows she can learn more from
Chinese, so she plays with them.
Sometimes, I see like a group of players yang kononnya gah tapi aku tak pernah tengok depa main dengan chinese. Spreading the word, sharing basketball messages macam 'basketball is my life' lah ape la.. I mean, c'mon lah. When its your passion, you don't have to keep on telling the world it is. And then you stay at the same spot, not wanting to get out of your comfort zone, and stay jaguh kampung. Boleh la trash talk, cakap besar sesama orang melayu. Cuba test skill dengan orang bangsa lain? A different league?
Man its really a turn off how some people have the nerve to talk big when they're only half of what they really are. Itu tak masuk attitude dalam court bila nampak perempuan/lelaki observing them from outside!
Nabilah is a real girl, with real passion for basketball. And its sad why some malays see her based on the exterior. Maybe because she doesnt play with them, dont always post basketball stuff, they dont see her as a passionate player. She's really, one in a million.
Nabilah is a girl I met during MASUM training. She started basketball when she entered USM and entered MASUM in her first year. Pretty impressive for a first timer. She trains with the chinese, plays with them, and dia sometimes hang out with them although dia tau sometimes, dia tak se-power chinese. Ho lah. State/national players vs what.. 1 year of playing experience?
But the thing is, she's not afraid of stepping out her comfort zone of being friends with only malays and learning new things, learning basketball.
Satu benda aku observe basketball ni, kalau melayu, nak jadi jaguh kampung, and only jaguh kampung. I can't say thats the case for UITM men because they've earned bragging rights for being national champs for 2 consecutive years already. But I notice.. Kebanyakan melayu, lelaki or perempuan, bila main basketball nak main dengan melayu je.
Tak macam Nabilah. She knows she can learn more from
Chinese, so she plays with them.
Sometimes, I see like a group of players yang kononnya gah tapi aku tak pernah tengok depa main dengan chinese. Spreading the word, sharing basketball messages macam 'basketball is my life' lah ape la.. I mean, c'mon lah. When its your passion, you don't have to keep on telling the world it is. And then you stay at the same spot, not wanting to get out of your comfort zone, and stay jaguh kampung. Boleh la trash talk, cakap besar sesama orang melayu. Cuba test skill dengan orang bangsa lain? A different league?
Man its really a turn off how some people have the nerve to talk big when they're only half of what they really are. Itu tak masuk attitude dalam court bila nampak perempuan/lelaki observing them from outside!
Nabilah is a real girl, with real passion for basketball. And its sad why some malays see her based on the exterior. Maybe because she doesnt play with them, dont always post basketball stuff, they dont see her as a passionate player. She's really, one in a million.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Full Moon
Bismillah.
First time blogging via phone.
Strictly a feminist post, this time around, I wonder for the millionth time why some women have to habdle hormone imbalances during periods. And that moody emotional rage, the tears, the overthinking, the sugar craving, the bloody pain (literally). Yes, I know I'm complaining, I should stop. But the funny thing is, I know its the hormones, and Im using it to act irrationally. And I say like, oh its the hormones thats why Im like this and emotional and crazy and crying and whatever! To the point, I don't really know how to keep myself in check everytime this happens! Its almost like, I'll DEFINITELY lose it ONCE a month.
This month's emotional drama.
Whats the point of studying all this? Yes Im passionate about education, and the kids and changing the system and teaching what's REALLY important. I should just become a kindergarden teacher. Sometimes (OK many times) I wished life was simpler, and I could just write books for kids, and teach young people, jual goreng pisang. But yes, manusia tak pernah bersyukur.
Second rant, I totally HATE it when someone says I'm not family oriented or put it bluntly, I prioritize my friends over family. Especially when that person saying don't even know the half of me. First of all, I don't like to make a LIST of the sacrifices I make for family but If I did, then MAYBE people wouldnt take me for granted as much. For once, think. You werent there for me during my hard times, you criticize me, you compare my LOOKS, brains and TASTE (even in men for godsakes) with my SISTER, you always say IM NEVER good enough, and you expect me to suck it all up and be close to you? I tried. Because you're family. And there is a NEED to LOVE and respect you. But understand that when you DO all this, when I'm having my FULL MOON, its bloody hard. And Im still confused if this is just a hard situation or just my hormones.
Ive been wanting so say this out loud for so long, so badly. But never had the courage to do it. Because it would break some hearts. So yeah, I sucked it all up. And try to throw it away. Really, I did. But eventually, some of my resentment ended up leaking here and Im sorry for that.
O Allah. I trust that You know better. Maybe it IS hormones. Maybe it gives me flaws, or makes me cute? (Who the heck thinks an emotional monthly woman is cute?!) ugh.
O Allah. Help me.
First time blogging via phone.
Strictly a feminist post, this time around, I wonder for the millionth time why some women have to habdle hormone imbalances during periods. And that moody emotional rage, the tears, the overthinking, the sugar craving, the bloody pain (literally). Yes, I know I'm complaining, I should stop. But the funny thing is, I know its the hormones, and Im using it to act irrationally. And I say like, oh its the hormones thats why Im like this and emotional and crazy and crying and whatever! To the point, I don't really know how to keep myself in check everytime this happens! Its almost like, I'll DEFINITELY lose it ONCE a month.
This month's emotional drama.
Whats the point of studying all this? Yes Im passionate about education, and the kids and changing the system and teaching what's REALLY important. I should just become a kindergarden teacher. Sometimes (OK many times) I wished life was simpler, and I could just write books for kids, and teach young people, jual goreng pisang. But yes, manusia tak pernah bersyukur.
Second rant, I totally HATE it when someone says I'm not family oriented or put it bluntly, I prioritize my friends over family. Especially when that person saying don't even know the half of me. First of all, I don't like to make a LIST of the sacrifices I make for family but If I did, then MAYBE people wouldnt take me for granted as much. For once, think. You werent there for me during my hard times, you criticize me, you compare my LOOKS, brains and TASTE (even in men for godsakes) with my SISTER, you always say IM NEVER good enough, and you expect me to suck it all up and be close to you? I tried. Because you're family. And there is a NEED to LOVE and respect you. But understand that when you DO all this, when I'm having my FULL MOON, its bloody hard. And Im still confused if this is just a hard situation or just my hormones.
Ive been wanting so say this out loud for so long, so badly. But never had the courage to do it. Because it would break some hearts. So yeah, I sucked it all up. And try to throw it away. Really, I did. But eventually, some of my resentment ended up leaking here and Im sorry for that.
O Allah. I trust that You know better. Maybe it IS hormones. Maybe it gives me flaws, or makes me cute? (Who the heck thinks an emotional monthly woman is cute?!) ugh.
O Allah. Help me.
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Tribute
Bismillah
They orang nih, are the people who I miss, but don't have the heart to tell them. Bukan sebab marah ke ape.
Sebab segan.
#Anty and Lyechee. Anty tu memang stick with me through thick and thin. Sanggup teman aku, harung training dalam kesibukan Msc dia, tahan karenah coach, ikot aku jogging bila dia penat, dengar keluh-kesah aku, my faithful senior and friend in need. Lychee, is one of the most thoughtful, and considerate person I've ever met. Dia baik. Memang baik. Bila orang lain see me as a weak link or I don't know.. Dia tak kisah bergaul dengan siapa pun. One of the best person I know.
Alhamdulillah for both of them.
#MunMun. Legend. I know her for like what, 4,5 months? Dia, dia, pujuk aku.. when I almost quit. In many times that I wanted to quit. She reminded me why I love basketball. Taught me basketball. Yes she can be hard at times. Tapi, berkali-kali aku memang kena berterima kasih kat dia. Alhamdulillah untuk dia.
#Lyechee & Nabila. OK. Aku bagi kasut hijau aku kat budak Nabila ni. Dia kepoh, tapi Masha Allah semangat dia kental. I mean really kental. She's the only Malay who stayed through the team, started basketball at zero, and stayed through until MASUM. She was there for me in times of need. Dia kasar, tapi hati lembut. Dia macam adik dah masa MASUM tu. Alhamdulillah untuk dia.
I don't know when I'll see them, (if I'll ever see them again) But truly, they are one of the best people I know in basketball. Playing, training with them has been; amazing.
Alhamdulillah for them.
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Obsession
Bismillah.
To cover things up, I've been spending some time, about two weeks or so having free time and giving myself a new hobby.
Music.
Music has always always been part of my life. Who doesn't like music? OK maybe there are some who don't; there's a condition in the brain where some people are born musicophobic.Or are not musically inclined. Or just tone deaf. Or just. are. not. into. music.
I've been practicing piano since I was 7. And ever since, I learnt that not many Malay girls can play the piano. And it sort of became an identity for me. Enter high school, I didn't have much time to practice for my piano, failed my piano exam, started learning guitar. The basic strumming. Just enough so that I can sing Taylor Swift songs when I'm really down. But, I met basketball back then and I didn't focus much on music for some years to come.
And so.. for about 4 or 5 years, I alternated between piano and guitar. Not learning much but I just learnt some really favorite songs over the years. Like To Zanarkand and City. Ok. Really, that's just it. I was really into basketball back then. It became, an obsession for me.
And now, after Masum, and with winter, and Scotland.. has cut the ties for me with balling. I've accepted the fact. I had my run and it was a good one. It was then I realized, I missed my piano that much. So, bought a keyboard, just to cure some of the 'missing syndrome' (shared the money with a friend), and here we are; a keyboard in my flat.
Truthfully, it was a hard decision for me to make. To buy or not. This keyboard. But I'm glad I did. Like I said; rindu.
Living in Glasgow, I met some other people who were, as desperate as I am. Finding new obsessions, and hobbies. (And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not sebab yes kadang2 tersyok sangat jamming, jadi lalai) But it sure has become the new thing for me. Or just coming back. Then, I found a mash-up software pulak. I know definitely I could be reading so many other books now but I've been spending my time rediscovering my piano, music, playing all the songs I wanted to, been keeping and saving since undergraduate times.
I'm still far from youtube celebrities. Haha. Sometimes they're so good they even make me feel like I wanna stop trying. But music has always been just for me. I just haven't found anybody who has the same appreciation for the kind of music I like. Yet.
To cover things up, I've been spending some time, about two weeks or so having free time and giving myself a new hobby.
Music.
Music has always always been part of my life. Who doesn't like music? OK maybe there are some who don't; there's a condition in the brain where some people are born musicophobic.Or are not musically inclined. Or just tone deaf. Or just. are. not. into. music.
I've been practicing piano since I was 7. And ever since, I learnt that not many Malay girls can play the piano. And it sort of became an identity for me. Enter high school, I didn't have much time to practice for my piano, failed my piano exam, started learning guitar. The basic strumming. Just enough so that I can sing Taylor Swift songs when I'm really down. But, I met basketball back then and I didn't focus much on music for some years to come.
And so.. for about 4 or 5 years, I alternated between piano and guitar. Not learning much but I just learnt some really favorite songs over the years. Like To Zanarkand and City. Ok. Really, that's just it. I was really into basketball back then. It became, an obsession for me.
And now, after Masum, and with winter, and Scotland.. has cut the ties for me with balling. I've accepted the fact. I had my run and it was a good one. It was then I realized, I missed my piano that much. So, bought a keyboard, just to cure some of the 'missing syndrome' (shared the money with a friend), and here we are; a keyboard in my flat.
Living in Glasgow, I met some other people who were, as desperate as I am. Finding new obsessions, and hobbies. (And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not sebab yes kadang2 tersyok sangat jamming, jadi lalai) But it sure has become the new thing for me. Or just coming back. Then, I found a mash-up software pulak. I know definitely I could be reading so many other books now but I've been spending my time rediscovering my piano, music, playing all the songs I wanted to, been keeping and saving since undergraduate times.
I'm still far from youtube celebrities. Haha. Sometimes they're so good they even make me feel like I wanna stop trying. But music has always been just for me. I just haven't found anybody who has the same appreciation for the kind of music I like. Yet.
Kedah dan Isi Jantung
Bismillah
Done with 'Cun' 2011. I always wanted to watch the movie. Yes I know it sounds cheesy. The movie was darn right cheesy but it somehow portrayed what I wanted, or haha.. lets face it.. I use to like, maybe still do.. men like that. My dad was like that.
I used to dream I could live somewhere kat Kedah. Have a simple life, ajar kanak-kanak kat sekolah, balik mengaji, masak, malam solat berjemaah. Betul-betul bertemankan Gunung Jerai. Pui angan-angan.. haha.
I used to.. be.. lost.
As I'm writing this, I'm reminiscing my old memories with someone who used to be close to me, mean more to me than my principles and feelings and I gave up so much, ego and whatnot.. Ni semua kesan cerita Cun tu lah. He's exactly or somewhat macam Atan dalam Cun tuh. And what I wanted to write was about how I liked or missed a realtionship, or a guy like that. But coming to.. 'I used to be..' made me realize that I'm way, so so much better with what I am now.
People say it's hard to break the chain of relationships but here I am and I did it. I never acknowledge myself for doing it, never wrote about it. Never thought about it much. But wow.. Here I am, thinking.. and writing about it. And this heart feels heavy.
Yes, there will always be that lingering feeling of 'I wish this would happen.. that would happen..' But manusia memang tak pernah bersyukur kan? And yes its the weddings and facebook and the group, and my highschool friends are getting hitched and I'm happy about it.. Truly, I am. And I've come to the realization, that, hati aku dah terikat. It's a bit early to say what I'm saying now. But by God, Wallahi; perasaan ini lah yang menyelamatkan, menjauhkan aku dari buat perkara-perkara yang melalaikan. Most of the times. Sebab hati aku, tertaut pada seseorang yang baik, way out of my league, and it is in this feeling, I realize what ikhlas means again.
It's early. Too early. And I don't even know him. Kedah bukan dengan dia. I don't know what is. But as Najah told me, if he can motivate me to become a better person, let it be. I rather stay like this. Than lose the motivation. I rather be unknown, than risking of losing what I believe to be could be true. It's funny. Really it is. I really should stop writing about this mushy stuff Haha. But.. wow.. kuasa Allah. Subhanallah.
Thank you for the strength to break the chains. For changing me. I'm not there yet. I'm FAR from where I should or want to be. But help me, get there.
Done with 'Cun' 2011. I always wanted to watch the movie. Yes I know it sounds cheesy. The movie was darn right cheesy but it somehow portrayed what I wanted, or haha.. lets face it.. I use to like, maybe still do.. men like that. My dad was like that.
I used to dream I could live somewhere kat Kedah. Have a simple life, ajar kanak-kanak kat sekolah, balik mengaji, masak, malam solat berjemaah. Betul-betul bertemankan Gunung Jerai. Pui angan-angan.. haha.
I used to.. be.. lost.
As I'm writing this, I'm reminiscing my old memories with someone who used to be close to me, mean more to me than my principles and feelings and I gave up so much, ego and whatnot.. Ni semua kesan cerita Cun tu lah. He's exactly or somewhat macam Atan dalam Cun tuh. And what I wanted to write was about how I liked or missed a realtionship, or a guy like that. But coming to.. 'I used to be..' made me realize that I'm way, so so much better with what I am now.
People say it's hard to break the chain of relationships but here I am and I did it. I never acknowledge myself for doing it, never wrote about it. Never thought about it much. But wow.. Here I am, thinking.. and writing about it. And this heart feels heavy.
Yes, there will always be that lingering feeling of 'I wish this would happen.. that would happen..' But manusia memang tak pernah bersyukur kan? And yes its the weddings and facebook and the group, and my highschool friends are getting hitched and I'm happy about it.. Truly, I am. And I've come to the realization, that, hati aku dah terikat. It's a bit early to say what I'm saying now. But by God, Wallahi; perasaan ini lah yang menyelamatkan, menjauhkan aku dari buat perkara-perkara yang melalaikan. Most of the times. Sebab hati aku, tertaut pada seseorang yang baik, way out of my league, and it is in this feeling, I realize what ikhlas means again.
It's early. Too early. And I don't even know him. Kedah bukan dengan dia. I don't know what is. But as Najah told me, if he can motivate me to become a better person, let it be. I rather stay like this. Than lose the motivation. I rather be unknown, than risking of losing what I believe to be could be true. It's funny. Really it is. I really should stop writing about this mushy stuff Haha. But.. wow.. kuasa Allah. Subhanallah.
Thank you for the strength to break the chains. For changing me. I'm not there yet. I'm FAR from where I should or want to be. But help me, get there.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
12.12.13
Bismillah.
#fynnjamal as background music
Again, I was let down by people. I hate it when I try to impress other people. I'm done with high school and trying to fit in. So I shut down all notifications and started reading my journals.
Then I realized I'ms till upset and being the depressed-so-I-eat kind of girl I am, cooked myself a bowl of Meggi that I saved up for emergency situations (this is definitely not one of the occasions where I'm qualified to eat Meggi). So I'm impulsive, and fickle. And at times slow. So what? I hate it when I'm slow.
Najah said something about loving someone for the sake of Allah; makes your love lasts forever. Yasmin Mogahed said by loving someone for the sake of Allah your relationship becomes better. Not neglecting them or judging them by thinking you're better than them. And finally, when you leave someone for the sake of Allah, Allah gives you someone better.
Okay Yana. WHY all this love crap? This is totally personal. I've been listening to Joe Brooks, Fynn Jamal, and I miss my dad and I just wished I had someone who could totally listen to me, understand me and not judge me when I'm slow. And all this while I'm thinking of a person who barely knows me. And it feels freakingly stupid. And I did tell Najah, that we, humans, have the nerve to think that we are better than Allah by wanting a particular person to keep or (start for that matter)... on loving or want us.
God, Allah I feel so lonely. It's been awhile since I ranted here. And I guess it's been the loneliest moment since I've been here. I know, know for sure that I should turn to Allah. I know for Sure that I have a dirty heart because I forget Him so often. I know for SURE double-whammy sure that I'm super weak because even now, at the point of writing, I'm subconsciously wanting attention. From humans.
Padahal kalau ingat kat Allah dah komfem Allah ingat kat kita.
I know tak perlu tulis sini untuk mintak kepada Allah. Sejadah ada terbentang depan mata. Aku tahu, Tuhan deprives, to give. I keep on asking for that person. Maybe Allah wants me to keep on asking. And begging. So that I am closer to Him. Masha Allah. jiwa jiwa..
#fynnjamal as background music
Again, I was let down by people. I hate it when I try to impress other people. I'm done with high school and trying to fit in. So I shut down all notifications and started reading my journals.
Then I realized I'ms till upset and being the depressed-so-I-eat kind of girl I am, cooked myself a bowl of Meggi that I saved up for emergency situations (this is definitely not one of the occasions where I'm qualified to eat Meggi). So I'm impulsive, and fickle. And at times slow. So what? I hate it when I'm slow.
Najah said something about loving someone for the sake of Allah; makes your love lasts forever. Yasmin Mogahed said by loving someone for the sake of Allah your relationship becomes better. Not neglecting them or judging them by thinking you're better than them. And finally, when you leave someone for the sake of Allah, Allah gives you someone better.
Okay Yana. WHY all this love crap? This is totally personal. I've been listening to Joe Brooks, Fynn Jamal, and I miss my dad and I just wished I had someone who could totally listen to me, understand me and not judge me when I'm slow. And all this while I'm thinking of a person who barely knows me. And it feels freakingly stupid. And I did tell Najah, that we, humans, have the nerve to think that we are better than Allah by wanting a particular person to keep or (start for that matter)... on loving or want us.
God, Allah I feel so lonely. It's been awhile since I ranted here. And I guess it's been the loneliest moment since I've been here. I know, know for sure that I should turn to Allah. I know for Sure that I have a dirty heart because I forget Him so often. I know for SURE double-whammy sure that I'm super weak because even now, at the point of writing, I'm subconsciously wanting attention. From humans.
Padahal kalau ingat kat Allah dah komfem Allah ingat kat kita.
I know tak perlu tulis sini untuk mintak kepada Allah. Sejadah ada terbentang depan mata. Aku tahu, Tuhan deprives, to give. I keep on asking for that person. Maybe Allah wants me to keep on asking. And begging. So that I am closer to Him. Masha Allah. jiwa jiwa..
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