This is it.

Bismillah.

Bersawang blog ni. Besa ada cakap, update la. It kind seems a bit weird I guess, me not writing with this amount of free time on my hands.

So.. it is a Monday evening, I'm listening to Cigarette by The Wreckers, the singer's ranting about being cheated or leaving someone again. 'Someday I dont have to prove, but until then I'll just do fine on my own, with my cigarettes and this old dirt road'. It's raining, and now Cee Lo's singing F*uck you. Apparently this is my emo playlist.

I just got home, and I was sitting on the floor, listening to good music while staring at my engagement dress. I was scrutinizing on the details, how I asked the tailor to make it loose, now I think it's a bit too loose, but it's fine because I just want to be comfortable in it. I was texting my fiance'-to-be, when The Wreckers came into my playlist and it hit me.

This dress, (duh) means that I'm getting engaged. This week insya Allah. And listening to my playlist, I remembered all my past relationships, the ones that didn't work out, how I felt drained, the tears and fights, dramas and how sick I was with every one of them. And then, looking at the dress, with all its glory, (it looked a bit like what Lady Galadriel would have worn on a daily basis) thinking that I'm here, right now, I've found someone who I want to be with for the rest of my life, and if I'd get a bit more mushy, my other half, my team mate, that soon, I'd be one half of two.

What's more important, I've came this far.

Things have been surreal for a long time, for 2 months to be exact but it feels right. And looking at this dress, another wave of surrealism hits me, with splashes of flashbacks and a glimpse of who I was a few years ago.

And on this note, I cannot thank Allah enough. I can never ever ever  thank Allah enough for there are billions of things that He has blessed me with, and it is way way way incomparable to what I have done in His cause. There was a saying, if Allah grants someone Jannah, it is not because of his or her good deeds because it will never be enough. It will be, purely out of the mercy of Allah.

And right here, right now, with this mossy-green Lady Galadriel apparel I have in my room, with this person whom I'll be sharing my life with,  a second family to call my own, and along with every beauty and flaw that comes with it, is purely purely purely out of the will, and mercy of the Ar Rahman.

And to think, I was this crazy (still am) young fierce emotional (wait, I'm still all of those) girl. I guess, macam ayah cakap, I'll be turning into a woman next year. It has been.. One. Heck. Of a. Ride.
And again, I cannot thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah

PDA

And of course I need to do this now, right in the heat of composing my proposal, my dateline less than 36 hours.

I wonder why people keep on posting stuff about their marriages online.

I also know that by right if there is anything annoying me right in the gut, I can just unfollow or hide them and life will be simpler. But being me, overthinking as always, becoming philosophical on the side, I think I now know why.

I was thinking, why people don't post pictures of themselves going out with their parents or their siblings as much as when they're married. Or maybe they do and I'm just someone that doesn't notice these things. Sometimes I wonder why people over expose their love lives on the media. Why publicize something so special and private?

Why tell everyone you're dating?

Why show your marriage pictures again and again and again and again and AGAIN?

Maybe I'm not as extroverted as I think but for god sakes people, your love life is yours and yours alone.

inspiration

I guess, I can somewhat call my blog sedikit bersawang. And I hope, that's a good sign of myself enjoying life.

It's been a month and a week since I came home from Glasgow. A lot has happened but the reason why I'm writing now is solely because of what happened 3 days ago.

So, I was in Kelantan. Went there to visit old friends, lecturers and just untuk lepas rindu. Allah tahu betapa sayangnya aku kat Kelantan. That night aku sampai, I was jagged, tired but happy as hell. it was 11.30 pm and the moment aku masuk kereta Samah,  I screamed with joy. (Mah, thank you sbb jerit skali) Man, it feels good to be home.

The next day, I went to see Dr. Wan Amir. I hugged my best sarcastic friend/ex-roommate Farah and went up to his office and gave him the surprise I intended to. He was with a Biomedical student. A third year I think. And doc said, "Ni lah penulis nobaggage tu" And this guy looked up at me with (dare I say.. awe?) and said "Oh! ni la!! sekarang kerja ke??" I told him I'm in pursuit for a PhD and he said whoa and left..

Dr. Wan Amir told me, he's been telling his students about my blog, that I was an inspiration to some. Golly gee whizz! (Ayah would have said that!)

So, if you're reading and if you do think I am all that, Thank you. Heck, thank you for reading my blog anyway! I was a bit embarrassed sebab I know there's also crap to what I write. Macam pasal kasut basketball la, ex la, emotional rants and anger management. But I think that's essential to life. I'm just like anybody else, I have my stupid problems, I do stupid things, I'm irrational at times. It's kinda stupid that I share that on the internet but I think, it gives a sense of familiarity to everyone else. To let other people know that its okay to be stupid.

And now, being where I am now, I think it's more important to have a dream and to work for it. Somehow somewhere, I realized that some of my dreams are insignificant and that I can actually forget about them. But the big important macam-susah-je-nak-dapat kind of dreams are worth holding onto and worth working for.

So, thanks doc for telling your students about me. I'll be honest, I want to be remembered by, especially in a good way. And to know that someone somewhere looks up to me makes my day.

To the people I met last week, (you know who you are) you're my inspiration. gtuu :P

the only thing I ever loved

I used to love only two things.

1. My siblings
2. My basketball shoes

When I was somewhat younger, I used to think these two things would never hurt me. Im not close enough with my siblings for them to hurt me, I only need to take care for them. When I go out, I come back with food for them. Whatever they need, I provide. Hence, why I'm pushing myself to work and get good money so that I can provide for them when they grow up so that they wont have to rely on my parents and such. Hence why i need to find someone who can they rely upon and like and count on when Im not here. But now, as I have limited time to spend with them, I was hoping for some good old bonding session with them. The thing is, they're all grown up and I realized that I'm too attached to them. When I came home, no one is ever really there to talk to. Semua busy lepak or playing with the computer. Tonight Im busy with the computer. Because that's what they have been doing to me for the past few days. I finished 2 books while Im here and Im going to finish my third one. No one ever talks to anyone. and this is why i like to spend time at feefa's place. no one really understands why I go there but, this is why. this is why I seldom spend my time home.


My second and only love are my basketball shoes. Basketball is hands down, my deep deep die hard passion. But it can hurt me and already did. Physically, mentally, financially haha. I didnt really mind. Because it was all worth it. But shoes? Sure they cost a lot. But my shoes, never hurt me. NEVER. I wore them to the brim. I wore them through rain and shine, on the scorching court, through games, to places. Shoes, to me are valuable and tonight, I learnt that my last pair of basketball shoes, a blue-white nike, has been stolen. and because of that, I choose to isolate myself from the world.

I dont know if anybody will ever understand what this means to me. But I am really really really sad.

Head over heels

Sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever fall head over heels for someone again

Looking back to yester-days

bismillah

I'm back in Malaysia and it's that time of the month so I'm feeling extra emotional. I'm reading 'Letters from Skye', a birthday book I bought for myself in Portree. And I was scrolling though the pictures from my last trip up in Skye. Man how I miss it.

I can't complain much. Sure the air here is hazy. Polluted with carbon monoxide and sounds of honks and tonks. Malaysia is getting over populated at a slow rate but it is home. And home is where the heart is. Isn't it? Alas, my heart is up in Quiraing, on top of the hills, over looking the sea.

I'm waiting for Feefa to come back. One of the good memories I have of home. I ate cake with Besa, but she's already back now and everybody is busy with their own lives. I realize, the faster I get in check with reality, the better it is for me.

The other thing that keeps popping up my mind is this fluff of relationship issues I hate to think about. Time is a luxury which I now can afford and it is being used somewhat in a wrong way. By thinking, and over-thinking of my past, present and future relationships. But apart from that, I'm doing pretty good. I'm reading books and getting scared of being fat.

Najah, what I promised you what I would write here, I take it back. It's too personal and I think the people involved deserves a smaller audience, one that I know and trust.

ape ko kerje tu??

Bismillah.

Bagi aku, pekerjaan yang paling mulia, aku fikir macam mana pun x nampak calit nak menyimpang dapat dosa kat situ, adalah menjadi ustazah/ustaz yang mengajar tajwid, mengajar Al-Quran. Lagi2 kalau faham maksud Al-Quran tu, ajar budak2 apa kata-kata Allah. Mengingatkan orang tentang Allah dan Rasulullah saw. Dulu, masa kecik, aku selalu mengaji dengan Ustazah Rozihan kat BJ5. Aku rasa kerja dia simple, dan dapat pahala banyak.


Fast forward next 15 years.


Masing-masing kerja gedebak-gedebuk kemain hebat lagi. Master sana sini, kejar PhD. Buat apa.. aku buat structural biology, looking for targets on proteins that can be used for drug development. I hope, my studies will be fruitful in a sense that at the end of it all, I find a protein site or that my compounds can actually function as a drug that can be used to save lives. Punya panjang long-term goal.


Kau kerja apa?


Kadang-kadang, aku rasa kerja aku susah sangat, I go into philosophical mode. Contoh, aku masuk bas, aku fikir. Bus driver ni lagi berguna dari aku. Kalau xd bus driver aku x sampai tempat kerja. So does everyone else. Pengutip sampah lagi mulia dari aku. Dia kutip sampah, bersihkan tempat, ikut sunah, aku pulak kadang2 buang sampah rata-rata.


Kau kerja apa?


Macam mana nak sumbang kat ummah? Macam mana nak jadikan kerja tu ibadah? Penat aku fikir arini. Free time banyak sangat. Kalau architecture, bina masjid or bina bangunan cantik-cantik, kasi ingat kat Allah. Macam mana architect tu nak revert ingatan manusia tu kat Allah? Kalau dia boleh buat, memang hebat. Engineer, geologist. Belajar tentang bumi Allah. Doktor, selamat nyawa manusia. Sampai masa untuk diri sendiri pun xda. Subhanallah. Cikgu. Ni lagi la banyak pahala. Aku rasa gomen kena naikkan gaji ckgu ni banyak-banyak. Lagi-lagi yang kat pedalaman tu. Kalau tak ada cikgu, kita semua close to bodoh.


Kalau tak ada ustazah macam ustazah rozihan, aku mungkin takkan lancar mengaji Al-Quran. Mungkin aku malas mengaji. Mungkin aku malas nak kenal Allah.


Kau kerja apa?


Tuhan bagi kudrat. Bagi tanggungjawab. Sebelum kita lahir dah janji kat Allah. Nak jadi khalifah kat muka bumi sampai mati. Darjat kita diangkat lagi tinggi dari malaikat. Berat tu.


Sayang, sekarang orang kerja keramaiannye niat nak cari duit berkepuk-kepuk je. Lupa tujuan hidup. Aku pun kadang-kadang lupa. Tapi, dah aku teringat. Mungkin dapat mengingatkan orang lain. Kalau kerja tu, pusingkan arah pekerjaan tu supaya kita ingat kat Allah. Tak pun, buat orang lain ingat kat Allah.


That way, bila kerja apa pun, sampai bila pun, jadi ibadah. Mati kat mana-mana, bila-bila pun, tak rasa menyesal.