crossroads

Bismillah.

So, I'm standing on a crossroad. And it's actually the first, first, first time I'm missing my family. My whole  family.


Ayah.
Ma.
Akmal.
Hanna.
Aiman.
Amir.
Amin.
Tok.

The house, the rain, the TV, the piano, the table top, the house door, the windows, the trees, the atmosphere.

I miss the times, and the chances that I could have used to cook for them. Watch TV with them. Or maybe just hear them, their quarrels or their singing. Aiman's guitar. Akmal playing the piano. Hanna or Amin singing in the shower. Amir, even his silence makes me miss him.

Aku rindu nak dengar Ayah bercerita over breakfast, over nasi lemak. Aku rindu nak teman Mak shopping raya, gossip about the family, about her friends and mine.

But mostly, what triggered me to miss them was this crossroad. And its something I need to decide on within this week, something that could determine the next 4, 10 years of my life. And I need my biggest supporters for this, my mak and ayah.

I know what they will say. They've always thought highly of me. I never understood why. Istikharah, tawakal, all those things. I know but somehow the physical presence, or maybe just a pat on the back by my mother or an honest piece of advice from my father could just make everything right.

Being a grown up sucks. I just want to reverse time and never have to make any life changing decisions. Hah! Such is life. When you're an adult it's bad. When you're too young it's bad too.

If you're reading this, please pray for me? Whatever's best. Thank you.