going home

bismillah.

its the 2nd of august. and Im left with 16 more days upon completion of my masters insya Allah. I'm supposed to book a flight home, back to malaysia. the funny thing is, i'm scared to go back home.

there's so many things i'm afraid of facing. family. friends. malaysia. but at the same time, those are the things  i miss. im afraid to go back and find that things have changed, or are still the same. im afraid to go back and have the answers like when am i going to get married or if i have found anyone special yet. im afraid to go back and now, i know for sure im responsible for my family and now ill have to 'man up'. i dont want to see my aunt and hear her ramblings of how ive been spending my time here. or how i might have wasted my dad's money. or how i haven't achieved enough. i hate it that i have to face everyone and smile when i don't want to. or be quiet when i really feel like retaliating and proving them wrong.

im afraid of going to weddings. im afraid to see my dear friends, and facing the fact that their already married, having jobs and are now busy with other things in life. no more stupid roadtrips or jokes or being silly.im afraid to go back and see my best friend going away. im afraid to go back and have my best friends busy.

im afraid to go back and  play basketball. ill definitely be worn out. ill definitely wont be able to dribble or shoot as much. im afraid to go back and meet people.

im afraid to go back and see malaysia. im afraid to face our rude road culture. to face stereotypes. to care about how i look. to mold with the  norm. im nervous and going back really made me realize, what an escape glasgow must have been for me.