panic attack

bismillah

I'm a week from my dissertation dateline and I have ALL the reasons to be cuak and have a panic attack!

So I realized I don't really know how to explain all my data like a pro and i feel like cursing all the time and i fell like 'what am I doing?? how is this going to help the human mankind??' like macam bus drivers take people for here to there everyday and without them our lives will be ruined and here I am, riding the bus everyday and I'm doing my masters and I dont know what I'm doing 

Ok la aku harap PhD will be something significant and i get to play with big computers and x-rays and have a cool life filled with travelling things and awesome good science. Oh. My. God. cuak.

I hope I'll be fine. and you know what? I hate talking about this. but this is the reason why i work hard because i hate it when my brain wanders to the forbidden land of teenage/20s love.

And I dont know if you're reading this, but ooooh my god. I've been trying for 7 years to forget you and then you come back, bergolek-golek into my life and you ruin all my future plans to set the world on fire! I realized that you are my stupid stupid kryptonite and I hate and love you at the same time, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to explain how I feel about you (or this guy) it IS! it's like, im almost there, almost perfect in my own ways, and you have to come and make me DON'T care about my dreams and make new ones with you in it! Damn you!

Oh Allah... *sad face*
I hate worrying about insignificant things. I hate worrying about my life when there are people DYING almost everyday. I hate being stupid. ok sometimes i love being stupid. I love getting up late, eating chocolates and being irresponsible. but writing always puts me back on my feet like suddenly I have a revelation of what I'm supposed to do with my life.

I wish, I had:

1. more time to understand my project
2. someone to teach me properly how to analyse and present my data
3. my supervisor hadn't gone to 3 weeks of holiday
4. someone to be stupid with me (right now its najah)
5. someone who has enough courage, common sense, stupidity, money to marry me and relive my teenage life of travelling and help me go through my PhD