Nightmares

In the name of Allah, The Protector, The Most Powerful and The Greatest.

I've been having nightmares for a week now. Its all about people trying to kill people. One of it involves a Chinese man trying to break in my old house and kill everyone in it using a lawnmower. I escaped, barely.

Another one involves a haunted house, where someone just kills everyone, stabbing madly and hiding their bodies and in the end, the house is actually a graveyard.

Another one involves Rihana flying on a magic carpet trying to kill the customers in a retail outlet.

This is tiring.

I always do dhikr at night before I sleep. I even prayed that Allah prevents me from dreaming. Now I'm just afraid to sleep. I take wudhu, I try to think of happy thoughts, but I don't know. Now I'm just tired. I have tons to do at the lab, I want to sleep but I'm scared.

Last night, our neighbor banged on our neighbor's door and there was some small commotion. The night before, he banged on our house's door at 12.40 am, for 10 minutes or so. He tried to enter our house. But it was locked. I was too afraid but annoyed at the same time so as I got up to answer the door, turns our Fairuz already did and gave him a piece of her mind. He was looking for an Asif person. Yesterday there was also a stabbing in our neighborhood area. And someone just shouted at an old man in the bus he wished the old man would just die because he was taking his space to sit.

Things are not very nice at the moment and I don't know what to do.

how I got to Glasgow

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful. And with the beginning of everything.

The road to where I am now:

I think the role of facebook now is to show the highlights of our lives, ones which we think are important, and that we need to share or, OR showoff to the public. Whichever appeals to you best. Lately, I have been posting some of the things that had happened to me here during my post-graduate experience, in Great Glasgow, Scotland. And I think, because of facebook, our lives are exposed more than ever. And more people know what’s going on to others. That is, if they update it regularly.

And because of that, I get some messages from my juniors asking how did I get here? Where does my money come from? Who do I apply to? And what not. So, dear people who are genuinely, really interested in doing masters, the second level of higher education, a whole new level of stress and independence, and a whole new life, here is my story.

My results

I am 25 years old. I just finished my undergraduate studies as a biomedical student in USMKK in June 2013. I graduated with a CGPA of 3.45. A very average CGPA if I compare this result to my other classmates whom I think, have pointers of roughly 3.5 above.  My IELTS is 8.0 out of 9 but that was just by luck I swear. I had an easy-going examiner who asked me this question for my speaking test.

‘Tell me about your study place’

And Kelantan was rich of culture, experience, and since it was close to my heart, I scored easily.

Applying

I started applying for masters programs in January 2013. I applied them online when I was doing my final year project. Most of them required me to write a personal statement. Personal statements that asks me why I am interested to study, why should they pick me as their student, what do I hope to learn and gain from the course when I graduate, what do I want from the course.. etc. You get the idea.

 I also had to get reference letters from my lecturers. At this point, you will wish you are close to your lecturers and you need them to write nice, honest things about you. And most of the reference letters, you won’t get to read them. You go to a lecturer, say Prof. A, you ask her to write a reference letter for you so that you can go to Uni A for masters, she writes the letter and emails it directly to the Uni A. You won’t get to see what she wrote about you, unless it is an open reference letter format.

Funding

I am self-funded. Originally, I didn’t want to study overseas because this would burden my family. But, My mother told me, Allah dah bagi peluang and not many people get offers. Money is just an object and it comes from Allah. She also told me that, it is jihad to be searching for knowledge lillahi taala and that my friends, is one of the strongest reason why I came here, what kept me going through the tough times, and what makes me feel better in the end.

Offers

Offer wise, just apply for as many universities as you can. In my case, I got three offers, and got rejected by a university once. I chose the one recommended by a close lecturer of mine. It was a good choice.

MARA

My friends are mostly sponsored by MARA. That year, MARA did an advertisement for those who are interested to pursue for their masters oversea. It was phenomenal. I think the advertisement opened late December and closed somewhere in February. It was a matric test; you have to answer questions on paper that question your intelligence, your integrity and your personality.  I didn’t score the test and here, is where I fail to secure my funding.

Accommodations

You need to figure this one out thoroughly. Most people, when they get their offers, go to their designated areas and find their houses, (private) with the people they have agreed to live with (housemates). There are some who choose to live in student accommodations too. There are some pros and cons to this. 

First, student accommodations are mixed with international students and you need to consider living with people who come from different countries, and live with their way of living as well. Their hygiene, party habits, cooking habits, food, soal halal dan haram, you name it. Secondly, they are a wee bit expensive than private houses. The pros; they are closer to the campus (big plus point), you enjoy all the student facilities (gym-huge plus point!) and you get your own room, a comfortable study table, etc. 

If you live in an apartment/house, you need to control your budget, and remember to put aside some money for monthly rent, bills, and if it is not furnished, you need to furnish it. A second issue to this, is your housemate. You choose your housemate wisely. It’s the second closest thing to choosing a husband. I swear.  I am lucky, very lucky to have met my housemate, by chance and Alhamdulillah we get along well. You need to be with someone who is nice to be with, can compromise and discuss, not stingy, and hygienic. And it’s a bonus if you can find someone who can be your friend in good and bad times, a person who can listen and talk to you, give and take, and have the same taste of music as you (karaoke purposes).

Your house and street is a big issue. It needs to be safe, preferably close to the uni. If not, you’re going to spend approx. 40 pounds on transport issues, hustle with the crowd at office hours when you’re dead tired and fight the cold when you’re walking home or waiting for the bus. Safety issues; I live in a quite slum area, kena usik dengan orang yang kurang tamadun/drunk at nights, and I’ve almost got robbed of my phone in broad daylight. It can be dangerous at times but this means that you need to be prepared for this before you come here.

Studying

People here are down-right smart. They also expect you to be smart. And when I mean smart, get ready to spend 10 hours in the library/lab/studio (whatever it is your doing). The hours I put in my study here, is.. incomparable to the hours I put into my study back in Malaysia. And I’m just an average student here, I barely made it through my exams and I work hard. All my friends work hard. And we don’t get to complain because we signed up for this. This is postgraduate.  And you don’t want to give the impression of Malaysians being dimwits or lazy asses.

What else.. I think I got most of the basics covered up. If anything, just ask me here. I’m really sorry that I don’t reply to the messages as best as I could because honestly, I don’t really have the time to explain properly unless I put it to paper like this. Trust me, I never imagined myself being like this, this busy, my social life turned upside down, being independent, and having most of my time alone. But here’s the other thing. Being in another country, like this, has taught me to be alone with Allah. That’s what I meant when I said, ‘Forever alone no more’.  I’m still single and I spend most of my time alone. Be prepared for that too. J

Deep constant secrets

In the name of Allah, the All Compeller, The Protective Friend, The Most Loving and Merciful.

There are times in life, when you need someone to talk and to listen to. Friends, family can only do so much. 

But everyone has their own limits. 

Allah doesn't. And its almost funny and sad that i forget that, many times. 

Everything, in life. Relationships, feelings, property, beauty, youth, talent, intelligence. Will not last forever. Nothing lasts. 

Allah does. 

'Dan cukuplah Allah bagiku' 

Work Ethics

Dengan Nama Allah, The Most Merciful, The Righteous Teacher, The All-Compassionate.

I never thought I would enjoy or love doing what I'm doing, or being where I am now.

I've said this before, and as much as I'm afraid of jinxing it, I'll say it again. The work ethic here is fantastic. Research here is 10 times faster than in Malaysia. And I love, my lab. My floor at least.
There were times I didn't feel like I quite fit in. But if I compared this to the lab back home, I mean, I'm staying in my own country where we speak the same language. By right we should be able to mix around and help each other.

It's not that I'm complaining or trying to prove anything here. But back home, the ice box is not meant to be shared. Between different groups.  When I faced this situation back then I was like, Oh. Okay.

But here, my supervisor took out an icebox for me, filled it with ice and watched me do PCR  just to make sure I did it right. And today, he called me a good scientist, despite all the hurdles I'm having, inconsistent digestions and having wasting buckets of plates for colony transformation.

I had learnt, more things within these 2 months here than I had learnt for 2 of my final years back in Malaysia. And subhanallah the people are so encouraging. I mean, Anne, Sile, Hannah, Heather, Khuram, Shira. I don't know.. basically the whole lab sort of, wants  to help if if they know you're in need of something. The Spaniards were really helpful, lending their gel machines, combs or any machine (when you think of it) you name it! And they're in a different group!

Everyone smiles at you, the technicians say good morning, asked about your weekend, and when it snows, they'll all encourage you to go out and play in the snow because they know you're Asian and never had snow before. I don't want to be too gullible, blindly thinking everyone is nice and has rainbows in their heads and hearts. But so far, alhamdulillah. Everyone is friendly here. The whole floor is about 6 blocks wide, and just about everyone knows everyone in it.

I really don't want to compare this to the scene back in Malaysia but people here, are just really into their stuff, genuinely interested in what their doing, passionate and open minded. I mean, if you have a problem and you just go to anyone with a good nature, ask for their opinion, they'll just try to help. Even if they're from a different group. And if they can't they'll just say sorry and suggest someone who can.

Oh and did I mention, they open doors for you, cook stuff like desserts and briyani for you every now and then? Its awesome. Its Islam to me. Pure and straightforward. They're not muslims. But what I can say, when I hear that Islam is evident, more apparent in the overseas, can be true. 

Science has bad and good days. People cheer for you on the good ones, and give you support on the bad ones. And my English is a bit weird here but they just laugh at me and say its okay.

I wish Malaysia could have a good work atmosphere just like what I'm having now. I mean, we're lean mean working machines, straight from 9-5. At least from 9-5. But I see people coming on weekends and earlier in the morning. Sometimes at 7. Sile has amazing results and she comes in at 7, leaves at 6 pm, comes in weekends, and she's the best. I think almost everyone loves her because she's just friendly and helpful. It's kind of apparent here that, the most hardworking person, is the most celebrated one in the lab. 

Work. I never thought I would be immersed by it. My prayers has even shifted a bit. I mean like, I pray I make good work in the end. Meet good people in the end. Have a good ending.

To Dr Wan Amir, thank you for recommending me Glasgow as a study place. My supervisor asked me, "How do you find Glasgow?"
"I find it alright. I like it better than London and other parts of England. The people here are nice and friendly"
and he said, "Yeah. That's why I stayed too."

Moga-moga kita ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang baik-baik di dunia dan di akhirat. Insya Allah

THE day. I've been waiting for

In the name of Allah, The Greatest, All-Knowing, The Reliever, The Generous and The Most Merciful.

I've been waiting for today. For quite a long time. There are some many words that i need to put into detail but I'd just skip the descriptions and what not, and go straight to the point.

1. I got my bands from the gradient PCR. It sounds so insignificant, but I swear it is important to me. Because that means now, I can move on with my project and that I'm one step closer to getting results and start my writing. That ALSO means that, THERE IS NOTHING wrong with my lab skills. That ALSO means, that it wasn't my fault I didn't get results before. Someone misplaced my samples and forgot to tell me they did. I was too happy to get annoyed anyway. I literally teared up at the desktop. And sort of start 'Yeeeesssss!!!' and the technician looked at me in a weird way, and I did a little jump across the lab corridor, squealed in my supervisor's room, Donal was like 'you're noisy, get out' shocked face but he thought it was funny. But I got it anyway. It was clear, nice bands.
   
2. It snowed. Like, HALE snow. And I thought I wasn't excited but on the brink of the event, a lecturer stood beside me, and said. Oh my, it's snowing. Everyone was literally stamping their faces on the lab window. The Spaniard group in front of me were ecstatic. I dropped my stuff, pipettes and all, ran into the office, grabbed my phone and was like 'OMG its snowing! I'm gonna call my mom!' I ran, and Anne followed after me, (she thinks I'm hilarious, never seeing snow) and called after me "Don't forget to get Shira with yeh!!" And I'm like 'Yeah! Yeah!' I stood outside, and it was this soft white slush on the grounds, And suddenly.. BAM! I got hit by a snowball. Maria and her lab mates were already there. They were laughing and gushing. We snapped some good pictures, and for quite awhile, we didn't chat about our projects, we talked about how soft snow was, how our home didn't have snow, and how we forgot how cold it was then. At this point, Anne, told me,  "You got yer bands today, and it snowed on the same day. This day has been perfect so far". I got scared because I didn't want to be TOO happy. But I was thankful nonetheless. And I thought.. if only he  would text me..
3. The trick was, He did. In the morning. And when I came home, we chatted for awhile. I wasn't as hyped or as crazy as I was about him like last year. But, it just made my day better. And when I thought it couldn't get any better..
4. I was in the bus, on my way home, making playlists of what songs I want to play on the piano, with my dad and my siblings when I get back home. And then, I came across a song, Aizat gave to me. And I'm like, oh. No one would play this for me but him. And I started to think that maybe I should text him to play this again for me. (its one of my stupid random thoughts. I never did anything THAT stupid again now. Alhamdulillah) but anyway, I tried recalling his number.. BUT I CAN'T. I don't remember. it was 0193612433 or 2433? I'm not sure. I really don't remember, I'm not sure, it's vague and a WAVE of happiness surged upon me. I. Forgot. His. Number. I'm finally moving on, and now, I'm at peace with myself.
5. I rewarded myself with another round of movie. This time, 'Unbeatable' and the soundtrack theme, 'The Sound of Silence' keeps playing on and on. This feels nice. 

I know it's not fair to only remind myself of Allah at times of extreme happiness and sadness. I know I do that. I'm not perfect, I'm eons, miles away from it. But Allah has a way of pulling me closer back to Him. Subhanallah. I almost gave up, felt like giving up so many times. But He is always there. And He promised. 

" If my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

I meant to write this a week ago

In the Name of Allah, THE Most Gracious, Merciful, Able and Great.

A week ago, I went to Istanbul with my high-school friends, Najah and Feefa. It was the trip to remember and oh for so many reasons.

We are turning 25, single, finishing our studies insya Allah by the end of this year and we are, miles and miles away from home. 

The reason why I wrote this: Was a message to our remaining, tight-knit, close friends in Malaysia.

It is what we (what I felt, at least) when we were together. 

Istanbul, was beautiful for me because of the people. They were nice, generally speaking for all Turkish people, (we met good ones during our trip). It was most beautiful because of my friends.

And we stayed at the dormitories. So we got a feeling of high-school all over again. And before we doze off to sleep, we talk and did so many funny things like we used to when we were studying together back in high-school.

One of the topics were, that you guys, (girls) are getting married when we're still here. 

And that we're missing out on the conversation all the time because of both time difference and our hectic schedule. This time, I'm not crapping around, it's so busy, we forget to eat. 

Being friends, with my girls in high-school has been THE best experience of my childhood. And for girls like us, it is only imperative that we dream of bachelorette parties, gushing over wedding dresses, the last single-ism hugs, watching that akad, realizing that you're gonna lose part of your girlfriend to a guy, a great guy that's gonna marry and take care of her. And you realize, you can't kidnap her from her house for burgers or mamak or karoke anytime you want to anymore.

You realize, she's going to be someone's wife. And your argument is now invalid. 

You're still friends, good, close friends but lets face it.

 We're all heading our own ways sometime later in our lives.

And I wish, more than anything that I could be part of this big step in your (you guys know who you are) lives especially in this big, big, BIG moment. It's not like its happening tomorrow but you get what I mean.

Us, here, we think about 'that special someone' most of the time too. But we're okay. For now. Ha Ha.

We, will do our best, wherever we are, to pray for your happiness.. and our friendship.

To all the stupid, sweet and unforgettable memories we had, and ones we're gonna make in the future.

And this is a Rumi poetry that Najah once told me,

She said: Niat itu penting. Saidina Ali pernah cancel nak bunuh opponent dalam perang sebab opponent dia ludah kat dia. Dia takut dia bunuh sebab marah. 

Najah used a particular sentence at the end of this poetry that describes the friendship with my long high-school friends, perfectly. 

It is the one highlighted and italic at the end of this poetry.

To the ones I miss back home.

Ali in Battle-Rumi

Learn from Ali how to fight
without your ego participating.

God's Lion did nothing
that didn't originate
from his deep center.

Once in battle he got the best of a certain knight
and quickly drew his sword. The man,
helpless on the ground, spat
in Ali's face. Ali dropped his sword,
relaxed, and helped the man to his feet.

"Why have you spared me?
How has lightning contracted back
into its cloud? Speak, my prince,
so that my soul can begin to stir
in my like an embryo."

Ali was quiet and then finally answered,
"I am God's Lion, not the lion of passion.
The sun is my lord. I have no longing
except for the One.

When a wind of personal reaction comes,
I do not go along with it.

There are many winds full of anger,
and lust and greed. They move the rubbish
around, but the solid mountain of our true nature
stays where it's always been.

There's nothing now
except the divine qualities.
Come through the opening into me.

Your impudence was better than any reverence,
because in this moment I am you and you are me.

I give you this opened heart as God gives gifts:
the poison of your spit has become
the honey of friendship.

Unforgettable Rumi Poetry

Bismillah.

These are just some poems from 'Rumi-Selected Poems' by Penguin Classics that I find interesting and that I can relate to. There are also some which I find, disturbing to my mind. And that I can't comprehend to. But it was interesting anyway and gave me new insights. Just didn't want to forget them. And if you happen to read this, you might want to try reading some of the poems I've listed out. The last few are easier to relate, and personally one that I find best is 'Ali in Battle'

1. Sexual urgency, what a woman's laughter can do, and the nature of true virility.
2. Muhammad (SAW) and the huge eater.
3. The dream that must be interpreted
4. Zikr
5. Childhood friends
6. The mouse and the camel
7. Body intelligence
8. Nasuh
9. Moses and the shepherd (Good one.)
10. Joy at sudden disappointment
11. Two kinds of intelligence
12. The importance of gourdcrafting (if someone could explain this to me, that'd be great)
13. The Far mosque
14. On gambling
15. The three fish
16. There's nothing ahead
17. In Baghdad, dreaming of Cairo,in Cairo, dreaming of Baghdad
18. Sheikh Kharraqani and his wretched wife
19. The snake catcher and the frozen snake
20. Ali in Battle
21. The king, the handmaiden and the doctor
22. Green Ears (also a good one)
23. On being woven
24. A basket of fresh bread

04/02.2014

I haven't finished the book yet but I'm almost at the end. Since I came back from Istanbul, I can understand Rumi and appreciate his poems better. I think (since I'm marking more of his poems in the end of the book)

Anybody who reads Rumi and knows any good poems from him please share? And if you find any of this poems that you can relate to and explain more, please do. Thanks :)