panic attack

bismillah

I'm a week from my dissertation dateline and I have ALL the reasons to be cuak and have a panic attack!

So I realized I don't really know how to explain all my data like a pro and i feel like cursing all the time and i fell like 'what am I doing?? how is this going to help the human mankind??' like macam bus drivers take people for here to there everyday and without them our lives will be ruined and here I am, riding the bus everyday and I'm doing my masters and I dont know what I'm doing 

Ok la aku harap PhD will be something significant and i get to play with big computers and x-rays and have a cool life filled with travelling things and awesome good science. Oh. My. God. cuak.

I hope I'll be fine. and you know what? I hate talking about this. but this is the reason why i work hard because i hate it when my brain wanders to the forbidden land of teenage/20s love.

And I dont know if you're reading this, but ooooh my god. I've been trying for 7 years to forget you and then you come back, bergolek-golek into my life and you ruin all my future plans to set the world on fire! I realized that you are my stupid stupid kryptonite and I hate and love you at the same time, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to explain how I feel about you (or this guy) it IS! it's like, im almost there, almost perfect in my own ways, and you have to come and make me DON'T care about my dreams and make new ones with you in it! Damn you!

Oh Allah... *sad face*
I hate worrying about insignificant things. I hate worrying about my life when there are people DYING almost everyday. I hate being stupid. ok sometimes i love being stupid. I love getting up late, eating chocolates and being irresponsible. but writing always puts me back on my feet like suddenly I have a revelation of what I'm supposed to do with my life.

I wish, I had:

1. more time to understand my project
2. someone to teach me properly how to analyse and present my data
3. my supervisor hadn't gone to 3 weeks of holiday
4. someone to be stupid with me (right now its najah)
5. someone who has enough courage, common sense, stupidity, money to marry me and relive my teenage life of travelling and help me go through my PhD

going home

bismillah.

its the 2nd of august. and Im left with 16 more days upon completion of my masters insya Allah. I'm supposed to book a flight home, back to malaysia. the funny thing is, i'm scared to go back home.

there's so many things i'm afraid of facing. family. friends. malaysia. but at the same time, those are the things  i miss. im afraid to go back and find that things have changed, or are still the same. im afraid to go back and have the answers like when am i going to get married or if i have found anyone special yet. im afraid to go back and now, i know for sure im responsible for my family and now ill have to 'man up'. i dont want to see my aunt and hear her ramblings of how ive been spending my time here. or how i might have wasted my dad's money. or how i haven't achieved enough. i hate it that i have to face everyone and smile when i don't want to. or be quiet when i really feel like retaliating and proving them wrong.

im afraid of going to weddings. im afraid to see my dear friends, and facing the fact that their already married, having jobs and are now busy with other things in life. no more stupid roadtrips or jokes or being silly.im afraid to go back and see my best friend going away. im afraid to go back and have my best friends busy.

im afraid to go back and  play basketball. ill definitely be worn out. ill definitely wont be able to dribble or shoot as much. im afraid to go back and meet people.

im afraid to go back and see malaysia. im afraid to face our rude road culture. to face stereotypes. to care about how i look. to mold with the  norm. im nervous and going back really made me realize, what an escape glasgow must have been for me.

sesal

bila dah buat sesuatu, lepas tu menyesal tak sudah.

bila masa dah dilaburkan untuk sesuatu, dan tak nampak hasil dia.

bila Melayu is just being Melayu.

bila Melayu, sebenarnya bukan Islam.

bila masa, tak dapat nak diundurkan.

kokurikulum

bismillah

aku secara lahiriah, sejak sekolah lagi ada tendency untuk join aktiviti-aktiviti yang ada unsur sukan dan musik. I guess that's my passion, my interest. Kalau mintak aku join aktiviti-aktiviti business ke, volunteer ke, wakil pelajar ke keagamaan ke, honestly aku lambat sikit. i don't know if that is a bad thing. And that's just me being honest.

I don't know how true this might be; but the sterotype or stigma is, budak sukan/music ada sifat nakal, mungkin kena cop jahat ke sosial ke. I think that could also be true untuk budak2 yang aktif drama or any other activities yang mungkin bunyi macam 'tak ada hala tuju or faedah or duniawi' I'm not going to start on saying budak-budak yang slalu join hal-hal keagamaan 'takdela baik sangat' but let's get on to the main point here.

I wish people weren't so judgmental? Because what people choose to do in their lives just don't portray if someone is a nice or a bad person. I guess, what I'm trying to say in a raw sense is, just because I don't join as much volunteer programs or religious activities, doesn't mean I'm someone who parties all the time, mingle dengan lelaki tanpa batasan or am a bitch. I think you can say the same for other people who does these kind of activities as well.

Asal budak musik je sosial. Mungkin stigma masyarakat yang menjadikan budak musik tu sosial. Mungkin fitrah dia, nak jadi orang baik tapi mungkin ramai tak mengajak dia untuk jadi baik sebab 'stereotype' budak musik slalu lepak, main musik dan lalai dengan hal duniawi. Mungkin, fitrah dia nak join jugak some ceramah2 yang interesting tapi take geng nak pergi. Kalau dia pergi ceramah tu tak ada member yang takkan judge dia.

Asal budak sukan je mungkin dia tak menitik berat hal solat. Okay la hal seluar pendek, lengan lipat sampai siku tu ada la tunjuk dia mungkin slack bahagian menutup aurat. Tapi orang tak fikir, mungkin tak ada orang nak tegur dia elok2 or galak dia tutup aurat elok without judging them. Mungkin sebab tu dia fikir, "what the heck. aku tutup ke tak tutup ke people will still see me as someone yang sosial, xsempurna sebab tak tutup aurat" Memang hukum-hakam agama is black and white. But we, humans are born with a grey mind, and an even more unstable heart.

Tak tahu la macam mana. Tapi ni pendapat seorang perempuan yang main sukan, yang minat musik, yang sedang berjinak-jinak untuk mendekatkan diri dengan hal-hal keagamaan tapi agak slow-slow lagi. Kata lah apa nak kata. But an opinion is just an opinion. Like a wisp of air that's written, once read can be remembered or forgotten for the rest of your and my lives.

wednesday 3 am

this made me delete all my crap posts

crossroads

Bismillah.

So, I'm standing on a crossroad. And it's actually the first, first, first time I'm missing my family. My whole  family.


Ayah.
Ma.
Akmal.
Hanna.
Aiman.
Amir.
Amin.
Tok.

The house, the rain, the TV, the piano, the table top, the house door, the windows, the trees, the atmosphere.

I miss the times, and the chances that I could have used to cook for them. Watch TV with them. Or maybe just hear them, their quarrels or their singing. Aiman's guitar. Akmal playing the piano. Hanna or Amin singing in the shower. Amir, even his silence makes me miss him.

Aku rindu nak dengar Ayah bercerita over breakfast, over nasi lemak. Aku rindu nak teman Mak shopping raya, gossip about the family, about her friends and mine.

But mostly, what triggered me to miss them was this crossroad. And its something I need to decide on within this week, something that could determine the next 4, 10 years of my life. And I need my biggest supporters for this, my mak and ayah.

I know what they will say. They've always thought highly of me. I never understood why. Istikharah, tawakal, all those things. I know but somehow the physical presence, or maybe just a pat on the back by my mother or an honest piece of advice from my father could just make everything right.

Being a grown up sucks. I just want to reverse time and never have to make any life changing decisions. Hah! Such is life. When you're an adult it's bad. When you're too young it's bad too.

If you're reading this, please pray for me? Whatever's best. Thank you.

rollercoaster

Bismillah,

phew.

So the last week has been one heck of a ride! Najah came, and yes I got my results (turns out my results were somewhat the talk of the lab, people came to me and mentioned their sympathies, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing)

To put things in an orderly way,

• Friday, we went for The Fault in Our Stars despite work. Augustus Waters is awesome. full-stop. He's intelligent, interesting, grabs life by the collar and I loved him, his character in every adorable way. Team-Augustus!

• Sunday we went berry picking. The freshest, juiciest berries ever and I wore this skirt and makeup and someone said I looked stupid. Big-deal. My friends were the real savious and I loved them hard.

• Sunday we went cycling in Arran. Arran was awesome. the bikes weren't. heck, Scotland is awesome. I really don't have any idea why people won't come here for a good outdoor experience. all they want to do is amsterdam and france their lives away. Come to Scotland! I'll treat you like Kings and Queens :)

• Monday we went rolling down the hills for 3 hours despite work. Tuesday we went frolicking on the fields despite work. And I mean real frolicking around with cakes and berries and rice and picnicking and being crazy girls and running on grass barefoot and just being that 90-s kid.

• Wednesday we went for karaoke despite work. Karaoke will be the death of me. It was the day I got my results but it was also the day my brother came and we practically sang our lives away. I'm exaggerating but everyone was good fun and funny and so... in character! 

• Thursday we went Fencing DESPITE WORK. Now this day, I hurt myself, by giving me self sore muscles. hurt my good friend with by bad bad mouth, and insensitivenes. And it is this day, that I learnt that, being here, getting carried away with work, has somehow turned me into a cold person. but putting that away, fencing was awesome. 

• Friday (I'm wearing out desperately) we went for Ili's graduation. She's a doctor now. Saturday we went to Stirling castle and got ourselves a buffet dinner right before Ramadhan. Things are pretty great and hectic for the moment ;)

But man, did  many things escalate quickly! And the emotional roller-coaster! When I'm mighty happy and when my scrummy results hit me. And being surrounded by girls all the time is just so refreshing and sets an estrogen-y atmosphere.

Being with them, Najah, Amira, Fairuz, Sarah  for some time I guess did expose some of my insecurities. Especially with Najah. Just because she knows me for almost 10 years already. And the post I wrote before, about feeling unpretty and all that crap? sometimes it feels really unrelevant and stupid. It should be that way though for 24/7. But I'm going to leave that post as that just to remind me how immature and silly I can be sometimes. I still feel.. well, not gorgeous just because I have other things on my mind that needs more worrying. But I guess being beautiful is not the most important thing in the world. Besides, I have my friends to tell me white lies and to be gedik around me just so that I feel girly enough.. to be a girl.

There's this saying; the part which I remember, don't let the bitterness or pain of life take your sweetness away. I really don't intent to be a grumpy old woman so, moving on.. to Ramadhan, I put this on paper, on the internet where things goes around and is forgotten and unforgotten at the same time.. There will be one goal for me and that is to purify my heart. Of jealousy. and everything else that comes with it, or are associated with it.

Now, for part 2.

I would write this in a separate post, entitled 'Sharing'. But I'm too lazy to bother since I'm writing now anyway.

we share so many things in our lives. Air, food, love. Its funny when you share a friend or a person though. like, a person, or a relation ship is not an object. But there is such a term or a thing as sharing friends. Like I have a friend, but she or he is so great and awesome, I'm keeping 'em for myself and I don't want to 'share' them with the world so that their awesomeness stays only with me.

I used to think of it that way.

Until I shared Amira. Najah. and the rest of the world. It turns out, I think, only girls have this stupid problem? I'm too young for all this.
But anyway, when I shared them, people tell me 'hey, you're friend is an awesome guy or gal! why didn't you introduce us to them earlier??' and I can only grin sheepishly. Sincerely, I'm sorry. I guess I'm a bit possessive.

So like, I have best friends. like Their MY best friend. for reasons only I can relate to. I hate that part of me that feels like I don't want to share them but.. humans, or relationships are not objects. And, heh. I thought I'd stop liking this particular person. But I guess I'm gullible that way. He said, Allah literally only borrows us with everything in our lives. Even life itself. So, I'll be damned if I can't share a friend.